NT 016 - Bear Cop

So here we are. We've gotten

through the spooky season. Not

just hypothetically, but in

actuality.

We are currently recording this.

Well, do you know what? It's

not important when we're

recording this. What's

important is that it's December.

Or should I say December? Yeah,

at least it's December when you're

hearing this.

Probably. Now, somebody,

somebody got us a gift. An

early Christmas gift, if you

will. Did you know we got

another donation? Yeah.

We got another donation. So we

want to take the time to

recognize D1MC3 or Dimce for

another $5 donation.

Yippee. Bringing us to a total

of 1% of our hypothetical. $1,000.

Yeah, we're 1% there. Yippee.

So Dimshay once again says to

keep up the great work, which

we will strive to do as best as

we can.

You know what this time of year

makes me think of? What? Being

warm and sleeping a lot. Do you

know what animals are warm and

sleep a lot this time of year?

The bears. The bears. Now, you

had some thoughts. This may or

may not be a story episode. Now,

normally we come up with

stories. Yeah. That's what we

do. Yeah. And then we have our

deal with Hollywood.

Of course. Which is a certain

amount of money and then 5% of

the gross profits or not gross

profits, the gross income

across all mediums. You know,

digital, theaters, streaming,

the works. In perpetuity, of

course. Yeah. But this may or

may not end up being a story.

Oh no. So you had some thoughts

about bears. Yes, indeed.

Yes indeed. What are your

thoughts about bears? Well

bears are pretty sure all

things considered. Yes. They

know how to open doors. This is

true they know how to open

doors. We saw this on us

watching Mythbusters not too

long ago. Yeah. So then I don't

think it's too far fetched to

say what if they could drive. I

do remember we started having

this conversation the other day

and I thought

it would be interesting that so

imagine you know there's a

police officer just country

police officer you know like

rural area and he's sitting on

like that dirt road like right

next to a billboard so people

can't see that he's sitting

there. He has like a speed trap

set up. He's drinking his

coffee you know just like

sitting there like expecting

some like kid to go by.

And this car like zooms past

and like causes him to spill

his coffee stereotypically of

course. Just like vroom. So he

flips the lights on and he also

like notices the side of the

car is all scratched up so he

figures like maybe there was an

accident or something. And this

car is swerving all over the

place. It's really really like

just all over the road. And

finally.

You know he's on this car. You

know he's on this car's tail.

You know he has lights going

everything. And the car finally

runs into the guardrail. Yep.

And it can't go any further

like it's all smashed up. And

so the cop you know comes up to

the car.

And then the car knocks on the

car knocks on the window. And

somehow the bear manages to

roll down the window. And it's

just like there's a bear. It's

like license and registration

please.

I don't know. That would be

kind of crazy. Wait. Just got a

movie idea. Well the bear needs

to have shades. Yes the bear

has to have shades but then.

The movie idea has taken root.

Oh no. Oh here we go. Oh no.

Bear cop.

So from that day forward. The

officer like realizes the bear

you know he's a good guy bear.

He was just hungry. And so you

know he happened to have like a

spare donut in his car. Feeds

it to the bear. It turns out

the bear is. Well to borrow

from a famous Hanna-Barbera

cartoon. Smarter than the

average bear. He can talk.

Now we have bear cop. Now we

have bear cop. Oh no. The next

Kung Fury. No. Although that.

Hmm. Hmm. Well that would have

to be Kung Fury versus the

Russians in that case. Because

the bear would. Like represents

Russia. Okay. So. We have the

opening to bear cop. Now.

So this is going to be a buddy

cop movie. Obviously. And we

have to figure out now. There

are definitely going to be some

stereotypical elements just

like there were in say Kung

Fury. Yeah. We have to figure

out first of all who's the bad

guy. Let's workshop this a bit.

And Hollywood the deal is now

on.

Oh no. So we're starting at.

You know this is a new and

original idea that maybe Asylum

Pictures could make. Yeah. I

was going to say it sounds like

a B film.

Yeah. So you know maybe we'll

aim on the low end for the cost

of the script and the story.

What do you say like 75k?

Okay. 75k is reasonable for a

new authentic idea by two randos.

So. And then 5% of the gross as

is our usual deal.

Yep.

All right. So. Bear cop. We

have the opening scene is this

bear gets pulled over. We never

explain why the bear is driving

the car. How the bear is

driving the car. It's not

important.

Don't worry. If it makes enough

money there will be three sequels.

Yeah. And one of them will be a

prequel. But it's not important.

They met because the bear was

speeding. And let's just say it

wasn't just because the bear

was hungry or was the bear

speeding to get somewhere.

Uh huh. I mean why would a bear

want to get anywhere besides

the honey factory. Like. Well.

That'd be the stereotype. Well

yeah that would be the

stereotype. But we now have.

This bear has a sense of sapience.

You know. This bear is smart.

So was like a bear cub taken.

Was there somebody poaching

that took his nephew or

something. For what reason. We

have to think of something that

would motivate this bear.

And would kick off. And would

kick off. The story. Of him

pairing up with this cop and.

By the end becoming an honorary

officer.

I mean the poaching sounds

reasonable. The what. The poaching

sounds reasonable. Poaching

sounds reasonable. Now. And you

never know the town might be

trying to get all the bears out

of there.

Hmm. That's right. Okay. We. We.

That's. That's the second level.

So level A is. There's poachers.

Coming in.

And they're. They're. Not just

killing the bears. But they're

killing other wild animals. But

this time it's personal.

Because the bear. You know. His

nephew was kidnapped.

Well. Is it a guy bear or a

girl bear? That's the question.

Well. Or does it not matter?

Hmm. You know. I think. I think

that in this case it'll be a

guy bear. I think for the

sequel.

You know. He gets married and

then something happens. He

finds a lady bear at the end of

this one.

Like that's kind of like the.

You know. Like she sees him on

the news or something. I don't

know.

But. But. Or he meets her at

the end. You know. As a. As a.

Like after he gets his honorary

police stone or whatever.

Yeah. Or he meets her in the

forest like during the course

of the movie. Yeah.

And then at the end they're.

They're together. But.

Regardless.

So. The second. The second

movie. Will be like. Don't mess

with mama bear. Like that'll be

the tagline.

Bear cop 2. Don't mess with

mama bear. So. All right. Now

there's a second level to this.

Yeah. So level one is poaching.

And this time. You know. It was

the nephew of this bear that

got kidnapped.

Or poached. Or poached. Or

whatever. Yeah. But level two.

Is like where the real evil is.

The real evil is that. We have

to be as stereotypical as

possible here. It's not just.

Like they want to bulldoze down

the forest. For condos or some

junk. Although that. That would

be great.

Nah. We're going to go back. We're

going to go full 80s here.

They want to dump toxic waste

in the woods. Without anybody

knowing.

They. And maybe that's. That

explains how the bear is the

way that he is. Is that he was

exposed to toxic waste.

And now like you have a forest

that is starting to become semi-intelligent

in terms of the animals.

And the bad guys don't know

this yet. But when they find

out that makes them want to

destroy the forest even worse.

Like even more. Is that a good

B level plot. Is that a good

enough plot for you sir. Yeah.

Okay. Alright. Bear got pulled

over.

And you know had sunglasses on

somehow.

Somehow fit in the car. Because

like bears are pretty big.

And cop had pulled him over.

And then we cut to bear cop.

You know like we cut to like

some kind of opening.

Okay. We have the bear with the

shades.

And then the bear like uses his

claw to lower the shades a

little bit.

And goes.

Yo.

Like just says something stupid

like that.

And then you cut to the opening.

Like the police officer falls

over.

And then you cut to the.

After the opening title

sequence.

You now cut to the bear like

kind of slapping.

Slapping the officer in the

face.

You know.

Trying to wake him up.

You know.

It's stereotypical.

Again comedy.

You know.

And he wakes up once.

Takes one look.

Sees it's the bear.

And then he passes out again.

So then.

You cut to the bear driving the

cop car.

And the police officer is in

the back.

And the police officer comes to.

And it's like.

What the hell is going on?

And the bear is like.

Yeah.

Sorry about that.

But you kind of.

Fainted on me there buddy.

What the hell?

There's.

What are you doing in my car?

Well you couldn't drive.

But.

But you're a bear.

Yeah.

Tell me about it.

Well but how.

Look.

It probably doesn't help to ask

any questions right now.

So.

Are you going to eat me?

No.

You moron.

We normally eat stuff that's

easy to get a hold of.

And I have no reason to eat you.

At least not right now.

Unless you want to give me a

reason.

And he turns back and like

gives him like a big like beefy

grin.

Like.

And the guy's like no no no.

And this is where some of the

exposition takes place.

And he's like.

The guy's like well where are

we going?

How the hell am I supposed to

know?

I just know how to drive this

car.

Well how do you know how to

drive a car?

Once again.

Probably best not to ask too

many questions.

Where should we be going?

Well why were you driving a car?

Yeah funny story about that.

You see.

I was sent to get help.

Well what do you mean you were

sent to get help?

Well you see.

There's been some shit going

down in my forest lately.

What kind of shit?

Like.

Kidnappings and shit.

Like.

Poacher type shit.

It would be cubnappings.

Cubnappings and other.

Let's just say Bambi's mother

and father might have gone

missing under mysterious

circumstances too.

How would he know about Bambi?

Don't.

Don't ask questions.

But.

Okay.

Alright.

So we've got.

We've got the setup.

So you do this flashback of

like.

You know.

His nephew got captured.

And then they hear like noise.

And he hears one of his bear

friends like way in the

background going.

What do we call this bear?

What's bear cop's name?

Joe.

Joe.

I don't know.

Do you have a better idea?

Joe.

Go get help.

And like the cop's like.

Wait.

They can talk?

Yeah.

About that.

We're not quite sure when it

happened.

Or why it happened.

But.

But.

There came a time.

Relatively recently.

Where we all got much smarter.

Now that doesn't mean that we're

not animals.

I mean we'll still kill each

other.

But.

There's a little bit more of a

hierarchy to things now.

And.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So we can talk.

Yeah.

So we can talk.

Yeah.

So we can talk.

And like the officer's like.

I'm guessing you know where the

unicorns are too.

Unicorns?

This is serious.

What the hell are you talking

about unicorns?

What kind of a fairy tale do

you think you're living in?

Do I look fake to you?

Do I look like Disney bullshit

bears to you?

I'll kick your ass if I need to.

I'll point your face right off.

You know.

Bear's still reminding him of

the pecking order.

Well.

So that's why you were speeding.

Yeah I guess.

I mean I kind of came across

these campers.

And.

Maybe I put a little scare into

them you know.

They're fine.

I didn't hurt them or nothing.

I even left them their cooler

food.

Which by the way.

Took an excessive amount of

willpower.

They had smoked salmon in there.

So.

So.

That's why you were driving.

Yeah I was going to get help.

And you expect me.

To go to the precinct.

And to tell this story of yours.

Well.

It'd be a start.

Now meanwhile you got to cut to.

Like.

Poacher headquarters or

something.

We're not going to show the

real baddie yet.

You have like the band of.

I won't say.

We can't have them be fully inept.

Like.

Yeah.

Clearly they've been wreaking

havoc.

But.

You have like these three semi

dummy poachers.

Yeah.

And none of the animal.

The animals are smart enough

that they've captured.

That.

They're not talking.

Like they're still acting like

animals.

Like they're still acting like

animals.

Even though they clearly.

Have a sense of what's going on.

And obviously these guys.

Only have so many cages.

And only have so many buyers

for you know.

Exotic forest animals.

Like deer and raccoons and

whatnot.

So.

They're obviously killing them

too.

Yeah.

Taking them in the back room

and whatnot.

Especially the raccoons for

hats.

And then you cut to like the

lead poacher guy.

Looking at a computer screen.

But like it's the reverse angle

of the computer screen.

So you can just hear the sound.

You can't see the screen.

And it's like.

Are we still on schedule?

Of course it's got to be a

British guy.

Yeah.

It has to be an evil British

voice.

Yeah.

Mr.

Mr. So and so.

Like whatever.

Whatever.

Mr.

Whatever the name is.

Yeah.

We're on schedule.

Good.

I want that forest cleared as

soon as possible.

By the end of next week.

Wait.

Wait.

Wait.

By the end of next week.

You said we had till the end of

the month.

Yeah.

Well.

Timetables have.

Shifted a bit.

Yeah.

Or.

Things have.

We've gotten in a bit of a time

crunch here.

We're going to have to move

more quickly.

Move more quickly.

You gave me three guys.

What do you expect us to do to

clear out the entire forest in

a week?

Well.

I've got something that'll help.

And it's like.

You know.

It cuts to like this machine.

That's kind of like the machine

from Fern Gully.

You know.

It's just a machine that'll

like start like burning down

things.

And like.

Has auto targeting.

Like can shoot out nets.

And stuff.

It's like a combination of.

Okay.

It's a combination of the leveler

from Fern Gully.

And whatever that thing McLeach

drives.

In the rescuers down under.

Hmm.

Yeah.

And the guy's like.

Oh.

Yeah.

That's the ticket.

When will it be here?

It'll be there.

By tomorrow.

You know.

Or something.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Now where do we take things?

Uh.

All right, well, you've had

your moment to try to

contribute to the story, sir.

Now it's going to be an epically

lame episode where it's just me

talking.

I don't know.

I don't know how the police

stuff work.

Okay, so police officer.

Maybe they try to buy him

clothes or something.

Who knows?

Police officer and bear.

Well, I mean, maybe eventually

the bear has like a police

outfit,

but right now he's just Joe Q

Bear,

which is funny because you said

his name was Joe.

So now his name is Joe Q Bear.

So officer instructs bear on

how to get to the precinct

headquarters.

Or maybe it's not even a precinct.

Maybe it's not a city.

It's like a more rural town or

whatever.

But still, there's a police

office.

He's like, you know I can't

bring you in there, right?

And the bear's like, the fuck

you're not.

I need to, you know, like we

got to look up these poacher

people and see if we can find

them.

Well, yeah, but like, how am I

going to sneak you in?

And they look across the street

and there's a donut shop.

And the bear goes, hmm.

And the bear goes, hmm.

Cut to the bear carrying like

eight dozen donuts and a box of

Joe.

You know, they walk in and it's

like, you know, the cops walk

in next to them.

They're like, hey.

What's the cop's name now?

Uh.

Well, Macaulay could be his

last name.

Macaulay.

Yeah.

I don't know.

So.

Do you have a better idea?

Kevin Macaulay.

Okay.

Yeah.

Or Kevin Macaulay.

Yeah.

It was, you know, a little bit

of a Home Alone reference or

whatever.

Because Macaulay poking.

Anyway.

Hey, Kevin.

It's like, hey, I know it's

been a long day, guys.

So I'm going to go put these in

the break room.

It's all on me.

All right.

I got to go to my office and do

some stuff.

I'll be in it.

Wow.

That's like the most donuts

that anybody.

Like, what do you, did you buy

like a dozen for each of us?

Look, I just know you guys have

been working like so hard

lately.

And we're coming up on the

holidays.

You deserve it.

I mean, we know that the town's

not going to pay for it.

Yeah, you're right.

So, they get to the guy's

office like a little bit sneakily.

You know, there's some communic

shenanigans like the bears tripping

over stuff.

Yeah.

You know, he runs and like gets

a waste paper basket stuck on

his foot.

Like on his rear paw.

Obviously, the bear walks on

two legs.

Yeah.

Unfortunately, this is going to

be a very heavy CG film.

Yeah.

There's no way around it.

By the way, the bear, though,

will still have cartoonish

expressions, okay?

We're not going for full

realism.

Yeah.

We want the bear to smile, to

laugh.

We want its eyes to show like

sadness and deep emotion.

None of this.

We need to make it look 100%

like a real bear.

Because guess what?

Real bears can't do that shit.

Yeah.

So, anyway.

We get to Kevin's, Officer

Kevin's, or Officer McCulley's

office.

Okay.

So, what can you tell me about

these poachers?

And the bear's like, well, I

didn't actually see it myself.

What?

What?

What do you mean you didn't see

it yourself?

So, like, you have nothing for

us to go off of.

Look, like, can't you just,

like, type in poachers in your

database?

And, like, the guy looks at the

book.

Look, we're in Northwest

Washington State.

Do you know how many reports of

poachers we get?

Like, there's forests all over

the place.

That it's not just that simple.

We can't just type in poachers

and bam.

Well, and the bear's like, well,

how the hell am I supposed to

know that?

I only started getting a base

level of intelligence, like,

two weeks ago.

I don't know what you've got.

Well, what do you mean you don't?

But you know enough to get us

this far.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But that means I know

everything about police work.

Kevin, what the hell's wrong

with you?

I'm a fucking bear.

My instincts are not at that

level with you yet.

All right.

Fine.

Is there anything you do know?

Did any of your friends tell

you anything in animal leagues?

First of all, we all speak

English.

So that's species-ish.

All right.

Maybe we won't throw that in

there.

That's a little bit dumb.

But secondly, yes.

One of the animals did mention

a symbol they saw on one of the

poachers' trucks.

Okay.

All right.

All right.

All right.

That...

We can do something with that.

All right.

Do you know what the symbol is?

And the bear, like...

The bear, like, tries to write

with a pen and a piece of paper,

but he can't because claws.

All right.

How about this?

Just describe it to me.

All right.

So he describes the symbol to

him.

And...

And they, uh...

They...

They managed to find...

A symbol for it.

And it's like, uh...

Joe, are you sure this is a

symbol that...

It's like, well, yeah, I'm sure.

What's this?

Well...

We may have a problem.

What do you mean we may have a

problem?

Well...

The symbol you're drawing...

Happens to be for one of the

biggest, like...

Paper manufacturing companies...

In...

In the United States.

Like, this company...

We won't go with Pure Chemical

Company.

We'll go with paper because,

you know...

Then it kind of covers over the

fact that they're doing toxic

waste.

They're thinking that they're

trying to get rid of the...

The log...

Like, they're trying to empty

out the forest because they

need the wood for paper.

Yeah.

All right?

Like...

Their corporate offices, in

fact, are right here in town.

Or right outside of town.

But...

But it's a paper company.

I mean, like, why would they be...

The bear's like, look...

I don't know the why...

I can only tell you what

happened.

Tell you what?

Let me take you out to the

woods.

And...

And you can talk to...

You know, my...

My friends.

And it's like...

All right.

But how are we going to sneak

out?

Like, how are we going to get

out without people noticing?

Like, we don't have donuts

anymore.

And the bear's like, yeah,

speaking of donuts, I'm getting

kind of hungry.

Maybe we could snag some of

them on the way out.

Yeah, but how are we going to

do that?

And the camera pans over to the

closet and it has, like, these

extra large, like, police

jackets and stuff and hats.

Yeah.

And the bear looks at the guy

and the guy's like, what?

So, you know, I got into better

shape recently.

Okay.

And so, they walk out, bear in

uniform.

And it's like, wait, Joe, or

wait, Kevin, like, you didn't

tell us that we were getting a

transfer and you got a partner?

No, he's more of a trainee than

a partner.

Man, that guy's, that guy's

really got to shave.

You know, some dumbass.

Like, there's no way anybody

would believe this, but it's a

movie.

Right.

So, they go out to the woods.

And, you know, eventually there

has to be something that, like,

drives a wedge between them,

but we're not there yet.

So, they go to the woods the

next day.

Meanwhile, cut back to the poachers.

And they got the machine.

And it's like, oh, man.

So excited to have this baby.

It's like, yeah, this has got

to take a little while to set

up, but by nightfall tonight,

say nighty-night, animals.

Yeah.

Wow.

You know.

So, Joe is now leading Kevin,

Officer McCauley, through the

forest.

And just, like, kind of sitting

there appreciating, oh, yeah,

this is where I used to run and

play when I was a Cub.

And it's like, what are you

talking about?

The road is, like, five feet

away.

That road wasn't there ten

years ago.

Yeah.

You know.

Oh, yeah.

Like, me and my brothers and my

dear mother and my dear sweet

mother, we used to come down

there all the time.

And the bear, like, walks over.

Like, now he's on all fours,

obviously.

Walks over to the river and,

like, splashes water on his

face.

It's like, we used to catch the

best salmon right here.

Oh, those were good times.

And the officer's, like,

looking around.

It's like, yeah, you know, this

place is really nice.

It's like, yeah, it was.

It's like, so, you don't have

your mom anymore?

Nah.

Someone shot her.

Oh, that sucks, man.

Yeah, it was hard growing up as

a kid without a mom.

But, you know, we took care of

each other.

We survived.

My dad was never really in the

picture.

Don't really know what happened

to him.

Yeah, so you have all this

exponential stuff.

And the cop's like, yeah.

My dad left when I was young,

too.

You know, it was my mom who,

you know, raised me and took

care of me.

It's like, yeah, it's funny.

It's funny.

We think that we're so

different.

And yet, life can be just as

hard for man or beast.

And the cop's like, so, where

do we have to head?

Well, where we really want to

head is for the center of the

forest.

Because that's where most of

the animals are.

Like your raccoons, your

squirrels, stuff like that.

Stay on the outside.

But really, it's the inner

forest where we need to go to

get the real dirt on things.

And they're walking around in

the forest.

And so, Kevin goes, you know,

so, Joe, you were talking about

instinct and all this.

And how, like, you don't know

about police business or

computers or nothing.

But yet, you knew enough to

drive a car.

You knew what a police officer

was.

Like, what do you mean that you

don't have instincts?

And it's, or you don't have,

like, the intellect to be this,

that, and the other.

And it's like, I don't know,

man.

Look, I can only tell you about

this.

I might have intelligence now.

But there's still three main

drivers to my life.

Eating, shitting, and cue sexy

music.

And the camera pans up, and

there's female bear.

And he's like, uh, uh.

And female bear is, like,

getting a bit aggressive.

Like, because, you know, there's

a cop there.

There's a man.

And the people that have been

coming in have been men.

And he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa,

no, no, no.

Like, the bear is like, no, no,

it's fine, it's fine.

He's with me.

Joe?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's me.

And then he takes off the

police hat.

See?

And he gives, like, a big,

goofy-ass grin.

Oh.

Oh, okay.

I didn't recognize you.

You look so different.

So distinguished with the hat.

Oh, well, thanks, Marla.

I think her name Marla is good.

Yeah.

That's okay.

Well, what are you doing back

here?

I thought you went to get help.

I did.

And he points to Kevin.

And he, like, just kind of

gives, like, a little wave.

You brought a human.

Well, who else was I going to

get?

I don't know.

I was expecting you to get,

like, cocaine bear or something.

Some, like, roided-out animal.

And you got a human?

Humans are the ones that are

trying to kill us.

Yeah, but not this human.

Okay.

Kevin's, like, fishing.

Look, man.

If I can call you, man.

Yeah, that's fine, I guess.

I'm here to find out what's

going on.

Because what you have here is a

forest of talking animals.

All that are being evidently

killed off or captured, we got

to figure out what's going on.

And the only link I have is

this.

And he prints out, like, he

takes a printout of the company

logo.

Yeah.

That's the only thing I...

Yeah.

That's them.

Every time a truck rolls in

here, it's that symbol.

Well, what kind of a truck?

Are we talking, like, like he

describes, like, these big,

long trucks with, like, big,

like,

side, like, metal pieces to

hold wood?

No.

No, that's not what's coming in

here.

Like, we're seeing just, like,

smaller vehicles.

You mean, like, a regular truck?

Look, I'm not going to pretend

to fully know what a truck is.

But if you're talking about a

boxy thing that looks like it's

cut in half, yeah, it's a truck.

Well, that's weird.

Did you notice if they brought

any surveying equipment out?

Are they putting any, like,

flags or anything around?

No.

But I'll tell you what they

have been bringing.

Let me show you.

And so she and the other bear

take off, and maybe they run

into some animals along the way.

And they get over to the big

steel drums with the big skull

and crossbones.

And stuff on them.

This is what they're bringing

in here.

It's like, this doesn't make

any sense.

Why would they be bringing this

stuff out here?

What the hell is going on?

And it's getting to nighttime

now.

So they hear, like, an engine

start up in the distance.

And all these bright lights

suddenly flood the entire

forest.

And it's like, what the hell is

that?

Like, and they look.

And this big machine just

starts coming through, like,

tearing through the trees.

Like, the deer start running

off.

But, like, nets are shooting

out, capturing the deer.

Yeah.

There's raccoons.

And, like, they're just being,

like, targeted and tranquilized.

And Marla runs off.

And she gets captured in a net.

And Joe's like, Marla!

Joe!

She gets right.

And meanwhile, Kevin's like,

Joe, we got to get out of here.

No, we got to go for Marla.

Joe, we got to get out of here.

No, we got to get Marla!

Joe, do you want to try to save

Marla now and die in the

process?

Or do you actually want to be

alive to save her?

Fine!

So they book it.

They get back to the car.

And, um, but the cop took

pictures or something.

So he has evidence.

He's going to figure out how to

do something about this.

So they get back to the car.

And the bear's like, you know,

the bear's like, well, so what

are we going to do?

Well, we can't go to the brain

state yet because we got to

save some of these animals at

least.

Yeah, you damn well better save

my Marla.

What do you mean you're Marla?

You just met her.

I've known her for years.

What, what are you two, like an

item or something?

No, not exactly.

Well, dude, she was all over

you.

Hey, shut up, okay?

It's complicated.

It's not that complicated.

Just sounds like you're not

willing to...

Shut up, okay?

Let's stop talking about me and

start talking about...

They hatch a plan.

And he has photos and stuff,

but he's like, hey, there's

only one other major road in

and out of this forest.

We can get over there.

Maybe we can like...

We can like sabotage this

machine a little bit.

So they head over, like they

sneak over to the other side of

the forest.

And sure enough, like the guys

are taking a break.

They're sitting there drinking

coffee or whatever.

They're like, ah, yeah.

Nothing like a hard night's

work.

That's great.

Yeah, we did a good job.

They're going to be so happy.

I guarantee you another night

of this and we'll have them all.

Meanwhile, like they're

sneaking around.

They're like pulling wires and

tubes off the machine.

They find Marla.

They manage to set her free.

No, wait.

They don't set Marla free.

Because we need her to go back

to headquarters.

So the bad guys have a, you

know, leverage.

But they're starting to set

animals free.

And like then, the guys catch

wind that something's wrong

because they start hearing like

animals move around and stuff.

So the animals run through,

knock their coffee over.

Like one of the guys gets like

kicked in the head by a deer,

gets knocked out.

The other guy panics, jumps

into his truck, leaves.

But the other guy, so let's say

there are three guys.

So the remaining guy gets into

the big machine and manages to

like haul off.

And the bear's like, no, no, we

didn't get Marla.

We didn't get Marla.

Kevin's like, look, look, we

know where they're going.

We know what their headquarters

are.

Like, we will get her back.

That's easy for you to say.

She could be dead by tomorrow

morning.

Maybe she was right.

Maybe I shouldn't have trusted

you.

He's like, no, I promise.

We'll take care of this.

We got the evidence.

You know, we got everything we

need.

We got pictures.

We got fingerprints.

We got the guys.

We got the company.

We got everything we need.

All we got to do is go back and

tell the chief.

Okay, fine.

I'll trust you, but we got to

get Marla back.

I know.

All right.

We cut from that moment because

there's going to be like some

kind of tension or something

there.

And we cut back to bad guy

headquarters.

And they get in a call with

like the big baddie.

Again, we don't see the big baddie.

So, how are operations going?

Well, we have a little bit of a

problem.

What do you mean a little

problem?

Well, you see, there's this guy,

local cop, showed up and sabotaged

part of the machine.

He did what?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, you blithering idiots.

How could the local cops be

there?

I don't know, sir.

All I know is that this guy

came in and like sabotaged the

equipment.

We barely got out of there.

Well, that's okay.

I'll take care of them.

Just, you just get the rest of

those animals.

Oh, and sir.

Yes.

We thought we heard something

weird.

Well, what do you mean you

thought you heard something

weird?

Well, I don't know.

It could have been just me.

So, you have to set this up,

obviously.

At some point, like one of the

bad guys actually like thinks

that like after he's been like

knocked to the ground or

something, he thinks that he

sees the officer talking to a

bear.

It's like, well, I don't know.

It could have been I was

hitting the head too hard.

Well, that's, that's, that's,

that's, that's for sure.

No, but like, I swear I saw the

officer talking to a bear.

Talking to a bear?

Yeah.

Talking to a bear.

Well, that, that does put a damper

on things.

Sir, you don't seem fazed by

this.

Yeah, don't worry about it.

Okay, sir.

You cut back to the, the, the

station.

And, and Officer McCauley goes

into the Chief's office.

Sir, I need to talk to you

right now.

You know, I'm a little busy

right now.

No, no.

This, this has to happen now.

Okay.

Well, what's going on?

Sir, I believe that our woodland

area off of like I-7.

There's something sketchy going

on there.

Oh, really?

Well, what made you believe

that?

Well, throws down like pictures

of the drums of like the, the

poachers and everything.

I was out there and here's,

here's what I'm seeing.

Interesting.

Well, you see, I know all about

this.

The Chief's the bad guy.

Yeah.

You see, I may or may not have

made a small investment in a

small company not too long ago

and needed a place to get rid

of some materials from an

experimental division that went

belly up.

And tell me, officer, how

exactly did you come to know

about this?

Now, meanwhile, keep in mind,

Joe is in the car outside or

whatever.

Yeah.

And he gets jumped.

Yeah.

He gets jumped, but he's going

to escape.

Yeah.

So I was like, well, what do

you mean?

Like, I got an anonymous tip.

Really?

An anonymous tip?

Yeah.

I mean, I was, I was doing a

routine traffic stop and a guy

told me.

Really?

What guy?

What did he look like?

Well, sir, if I, I, I can't

divulge my sources.

Officer, if you expect me to do

anything about this, I need to

know.

Well, sir, he's a bear.

Meanwhile, the bear's, like,

getting in a fist fight outside.

A bear?

Well, you know, it's too bad

for you that I already figured

out your little secret.

Let's just say your friend's

being taken care of right now.

No!

And that's for you.

And, like, he throws him into

the jail cell.

This will teach you for

interfering with local politics

or local businesses or whatever.

Ha, ha, ha.

And, like, meanwhile, the bear

beats the crap out of the two

guys that were sent to come

after him.

And he runs off.

He's like, I can't believe it.

Can't believe Kevin would turn

on me like this.

And it's like, no, Kevin wouldn't

turn on me.

Oh, yeah, because, like, one of

the guys, like, says Kevin

sends his regards.

Or something like that, you

know.

Or they could just be dressed

as cops.

They could be dressed as cops

or whatever.

He promised me.

He promised me.

And, like, so he's, like,

running off.

And meanwhile, you cut to, you

know, Officer McCauley.

He's in the jail.

It's like, man, what am I going

to do now?

And, like, I think maybe.

Thought of a new element here.

They met, at one point, a chipmunk

in the woods.

Well, yeah, because the

squirrels and chipmunks read

the news.

Yeah.

That would be their, that would

be what they do.

So.

And the birds, obviously.

They met a chipmunk in the

woods.

And the chipmunk wanted to help.

But, like, obviously they told

him, no, like, you're just a

little guy.

You can't get involved in this.

Meanwhile, he snuck.

He snuck into the officer's

pocket at one point.

And Kevin sits down on the

prison bin and you just hear

squeak.

And it's like, what?

What are you doing in there?

Well, I need, I thought I told

you I wanted to help.

Yeah, but I told you to stay

behind.

Well, it turns out I need your

help.

Yeah, and maybe, I think at

some point we need the chief to

say something like, well, then

we'll have to pay your friends

a lady bear a visit, won't we?

Yeah, or something like that.

The guy's like, look, I need

you to run and tell Joe that it

wasn't me.

And then I'm trapped in the

jail and I can't do anything.

It's my boss.

It's the chief.

I didn't know it was him.

And so the chipmunk runs off.

Meanwhile, like, the bear is

like, oh, I've got to, you know,

he's just storming around, like,

breaking into grocery stores.

Like, breaking into the, he

breaks into a grocery store.

He rips the door off of a

freezer and, like, just grabs,

like, a big bucket of ice cream

and starts, like, one pawing it.

You know, just like, oh.

I'm so depressed.

I lost, like, the one lady that

I want, my only human friend.

Ah.

What the hell am I going to do?

And then the chipmunk is like,

he shows up and is like, look,

you got it all wrong.

He's in jail.

Well, what do you mean he's in

jail?

And your lady bear, she's in

big trouble.

Well, what do you mean she's in

trouble?

Look, I can't explain.

You got to get him out of the

jail now.

Okay.

And he runs, you know, lumbers

all four legs, like, busts

through the lobby of the police

station.

They're like, oh, my gosh.

Like, you know, there's a

receptionist there.

Don't worry.

Don't worry.

I brought the donuts the other

day.

Yeah.

He's running.

He gets to jail.

Oh, my gosh.

Yeah.

Joe, I'm so happy to see you.

Kevin, I thought you betrayed

me.

No, I would never betray you,

man.

Now, get me out of here.

Well, where are the keys?

The chief has them.

Oh.

And the chief is the guy that's

working with that company,

right?

Yeah.

And he's gone, right?

Yeah.

And he said something about

visiting your lady bear friend.

You see, like, the bear, like,

start to go, and just rips the

jail cell door up.

And looks at him.

And Kevin looks at him.

He's like, remind me never to

make you angry.

He's like, damn right.

And so they go off, and they're

like, okay, we've got to come

up with a plan.

And it's like, well, what kind

of a plan?

I think on their way out, they

show, like, a big gear locker

filled with stuff.

And you have to hold the camera

for a moment to show that there's

bulletproof vests in there.

Yeah.

Because that's a setup.

So they grab a bunch of stuff.

They're grabbing weapons.

They're grabbing, like, sabotage

stuff.

And then they head out to the

chemical facility for this

paper company.

Now, they have to break in.

So they're using, like, wire

cutters to break through the

chain link fence and sneak in.

They start cutting security

cameras and whatnot.

And the bear is like, so I'm

going to bust in there.

No, you're not going to do that

because they're going to shoot

you.

Well, then what do we do?

And they're, like, trying to

sneak through these air vents.

And the bear is just like, I

have to tell you for the record,

this is a very bad idea.

Like, the air vents are just,

like, bowing out as they're

crawling through the ducts.

And so they start, like,

getting listening.

And they start hearing, like,

the bad guy monologuing.

Like, my dear lady, your bear

friend is dead.

And his human friend's in jail.

There's nothing, absolutely

nothing, that will get the drop

on us in this operation.

And that's when the bear falls

through the air duct right on

top of him.

He's like, oh, yeah.

And so, like, they start

fighting.

You know, his human friend,

Officer McCauley, starts, gets

in the fight, too.

And, you know, the bear, like,

at some point is, like,

flipping through the keys.

No, no, no, where's Marla's?

And he sets Marla free.

And that's, and everybody

thinks things are going well.

And then most of the bad guys

have been dispatched.

And you hear, like, a big

shotgun blast go up in the air.

And it's, and the chief turns

towards the bear, turns towards

Kevin.

Or, no, not towards Kevin,

towards Marla.

And it's like, okay.

So, I guess we're going to do

things the hard way then.

And as he's pulling the trigger,

obviously, Joe dives in front

of Marla and pushes her out of

the way.

And he gets shot point blank in

the chest.

And so, or not point blank, but,

like, he clearly gets shot.

Yeah.

And Marla's like, no.

And, and the chief is laughing.

You know, Kevin, like, his leg's

broken or something.

Yeah.

So, like, you know, maybe he,

he, so he can't get up and help.

And so, like, the chief is just

sitting there, like, gloating

and laughing and doesn't expect

the absolute ferocity and speed

of Marla.

And she just rampages, knocks

the shotgun out, and just

starts, like, slashing him.

Like, you know.

And, and meanwhile, like, the

guy's like, no, no.

And, like, the, the other,

Kevin's like, no, no, no.

You, you can't, you can't kill

him.

We got to bring him to justice.

And she's like, you're lucky

that I have enough intelligence

to respect your laws, human.

Because the justice, the

justice of the forest is very

different than what you would

do.

So this guy is, like, bleeding

out.

And you think, oh, yeah, like,

he'll end up getting true

justice.

But what you don't realize is

some of the raccoons and

squirrels that were set free

are up in the rafters.

And the guy's like, yeah.

I promise, you know, after I've

recovered, you're all gonna go

to hell.

I'll burn that forest to the

ground.

Nibble, nibble, nibble.

Funk.

Like an air duct or something

just falls right on him, cuts

him in half.

And they're like, what?

You know, just like, what?

Now, now we have to turn our

attention back to our friend

Joe, though.

Joe was clearly shot.

He's laying there on the ground.

Everybody is all sad.

Everybody gathers around him.

Heaven hobbles over.

He's like, buddy, you got to be

alive.

Like, come on, buddy.

Speak to me.

Speak to me.

And the bear borrows a line

from Yogi Bear, which is like,

how about a picnic basket, Mr.

Ranger?

And he's like, huh?

And the camera pans down.

And the bear still had, like,

on the police jacket this whole

time, the old police jacket.

And underneath it, the bulletproof

vest.

How would he know that's bulletproof?

Well, they grabbed the stuff

out of the cabinet on the way

out.

Yeah, but how would he know it's

bulletproof?

It was explained off camera.

Okay, we don't need, we just

need to set up that they took a

bulletproof vest.

They declare the forest like a

national preserve.

You know, obviously Marla and

Joe end up together.

And when they have their first

little cub, they declare Kevin

to be his godfather or whatever.

And meanwhile, Joe officially

gets a job on the force.

You know, they're celebrating,

like, you know, they're

celebrating, like, the, you

know, the birth of their child.

They're having a little party.

And then, like, Kevin, like,

gets a radio.

Oh, you know, we have a three,

you know, we have a ten

whatever in progress.

Oh, gotta go.

You know, duty calls and then,

like, Joe looks at his wife,

you know, Marla.

Well, honey, you know, gotta

get out there and take care of

things, you know, or whatever.

And it's like, oh, yeah, you

are one great bear.

No, I'm not just a bear.

I'm a bear cop.

You know, or something like

that.

And that's how we wrap it up.

So, what do you think?

Yippee.

Yippee.

So, Hollywood, now that we've

walked you through the story

and fleshed it out a bit,

now we'll keep the same price,

I'd say $75,000 for the script.

Maybe $85,000.

We'll go up to $85,000.

Plus 5% of the gross.

Yeah.

So, if you want to let us know,

I mean, we'd be happy to flesh

out this story more for you.

And if anyone else wants to let

us know what you think of the

story, there's one place you

could do that,

and that's by emailing...

feedback@nontopical.com

That's right.

And by the way, you too can be

like our good friend Dimce

and support us,

because we do believe in

something called...

Value for value.

Which means whatever value you

get out of the show,

show equal value in return.

And we appreciate any of that,

anything from $5, $3, or...

Hypothetical $1,000.

Sir, all this talk about, you

know, picnic baskets and stuff...

Did it make you hungry at all?

No.

No?

Not even hungry for...

Cheese quesadilla.

Cheese quesadilla.

All right, everyone.

Well, we appreciate you

listening, and we'll be back in

a couple of weeks, as usual.

And, yeah.

I don't have anything else.

Thanks for listening.

Bye.

Bye.