So here we are. We've gotten
through the spooky season. Not
just hypothetically, but in
actuality.
We are currently recording this.
Well, do you know what? It's
not important when we're
recording this. What's
important is that it's December.
Or should I say December? Yeah,
at least it's December when you're
hearing this.
Probably. Now, somebody,
somebody got us a gift. An
early Christmas gift, if you
will. Did you know we got
another donation? Yeah.
We got another donation. So we
want to take the time to
recognize D1MC3 or Dimce for
another $5 donation.
Yippee. Bringing us to a total
of 1% of our hypothetical. $1,000.
Yeah, we're 1% there. Yippee.
So Dimshay once again says to
keep up the great work, which
we will strive to do as best as
we can.
You know what this time of year
makes me think of? What? Being
warm and sleeping a lot. Do you
know what animals are warm and
sleep a lot this time of year?
The bears. The bears. Now, you
had some thoughts. This may or
may not be a story episode. Now,
normally we come up with
stories. Yeah. That's what we
do. Yeah. And then we have our
deal with Hollywood.
Of course. Which is a certain
amount of money and then 5% of
the gross profits or not gross
profits, the gross income
across all mediums. You know,
digital, theaters, streaming,
the works. In perpetuity, of
course. Yeah. But this may or
may not end up being a story.
Oh no. So you had some thoughts
about bears. Yes, indeed.
Yes indeed. What are your
thoughts about bears? Well
bears are pretty sure all
things considered. Yes. They
know how to open doors. This is
true they know how to open
doors. We saw this on us
watching Mythbusters not too
long ago. Yeah. So then I don't
think it's too far fetched to
say what if they could drive. I
do remember we started having
this conversation the other day
and I thought
it would be interesting that so
imagine you know there's a
police officer just country
police officer you know like
rural area and he's sitting on
like that dirt road like right
next to a billboard so people
can't see that he's sitting
there. He has like a speed trap
set up. He's drinking his
coffee you know just like
sitting there like expecting
some like kid to go by.
And this car like zooms past
and like causes him to spill
his coffee stereotypically of
course. Just like vroom. So he
flips the lights on and he also
like notices the side of the
car is all scratched up so he
figures like maybe there was an
accident or something. And this
car is swerving all over the
place. It's really really like
just all over the road. And
finally.
You know he's on this car. You
know he's on this car's tail.
You know he has lights going
everything. And the car finally
runs into the guardrail. Yep.
And it can't go any further
like it's all smashed up. And
so the cop you know comes up to
the car.
And then the car knocks on the
car knocks on the window. And
somehow the bear manages to
roll down the window. And it's
just like there's a bear. It's
like license and registration
please.
I don't know. That would be
kind of crazy. Wait. Just got a
movie idea. Well the bear needs
to have shades. Yes the bear
has to have shades but then.
The movie idea has taken root.
Oh no. Oh here we go. Oh no.
Bear cop.
So from that day forward. The
officer like realizes the bear
you know he's a good guy bear.
He was just hungry. And so you
know he happened to have like a
spare donut in his car. Feeds
it to the bear. It turns out
the bear is. Well to borrow
from a famous Hanna-Barbera
cartoon. Smarter than the
average bear. He can talk.
Now we have bear cop. Now we
have bear cop. Oh no. The next
Kung Fury. No. Although that.
Hmm. Hmm. Well that would have
to be Kung Fury versus the
Russians in that case. Because
the bear would. Like represents
Russia. Okay. So. We have the
opening to bear cop. Now.
So this is going to be a buddy
cop movie. Obviously. And we
have to figure out now. There
are definitely going to be some
stereotypical elements just
like there were in say Kung
Fury. Yeah. We have to figure
out first of all who's the bad
guy. Let's workshop this a bit.
And Hollywood the deal is now
on.
Oh no. So we're starting at.
You know this is a new and
original idea that maybe Asylum
Pictures could make. Yeah. I
was going to say it sounds like
a B film.
Yeah. So you know maybe we'll
aim on the low end for the cost
of the script and the story.
What do you say like 75k?
Okay. 75k is reasonable for a
new authentic idea by two randos.
So. And then 5% of the gross as
is our usual deal.
Yep.
All right. So. Bear cop. We
have the opening scene is this
bear gets pulled over. We never
explain why the bear is driving
the car. How the bear is
driving the car. It's not
important.
Don't worry. If it makes enough
money there will be three sequels.
Yeah. And one of them will be a
prequel. But it's not important.
They met because the bear was
speeding. And let's just say it
wasn't just because the bear
was hungry or was the bear
speeding to get somewhere.
Uh huh. I mean why would a bear
want to get anywhere besides
the honey factory. Like. Well.
That'd be the stereotype. Well
yeah that would be the
stereotype. But we now have.
This bear has a sense of sapience.
You know. This bear is smart.
So was like a bear cub taken.
Was there somebody poaching
that took his nephew or
something. For what reason. We
have to think of something that
would motivate this bear.
And would kick off. And would
kick off. The story. Of him
pairing up with this cop and.
By the end becoming an honorary
officer.
I mean the poaching sounds
reasonable. The what. The poaching
sounds reasonable. Poaching
sounds reasonable. Now. And you
never know the town might be
trying to get all the bears out
of there.
Hmm. That's right. Okay. We. We.
That's. That's the second level.
So level A is. There's poachers.
Coming in.
And they're. They're. Not just
killing the bears. But they're
killing other wild animals. But
this time it's personal.
Because the bear. You know. His
nephew was kidnapped.
Well. Is it a guy bear or a
girl bear? That's the question.
Well. Or does it not matter?
Hmm. You know. I think. I think
that in this case it'll be a
guy bear. I think for the
sequel.
You know. He gets married and
then something happens. He
finds a lady bear at the end of
this one.
Like that's kind of like the.
You know. Like she sees him on
the news or something. I don't
know.
But. But. Or he meets her at
the end. You know. As a. As a.
Like after he gets his honorary
police stone or whatever.
Yeah. Or he meets her in the
forest like during the course
of the movie. Yeah.
And then at the end they're.
They're together. But.
Regardless.
So. The second. The second
movie. Will be like. Don't mess
with mama bear. Like that'll be
the tagline.
Bear cop 2. Don't mess with
mama bear. So. All right. Now
there's a second level to this.
Yeah. So level one is poaching.
And this time. You know. It was
the nephew of this bear that
got kidnapped.
Or poached. Or poached. Or
whatever. Yeah. But level two.
Is like where the real evil is.
The real evil is that. We have
to be as stereotypical as
possible here. It's not just.
Like they want to bulldoze down
the forest. For condos or some
junk. Although that. That would
be great.
Nah. We're going to go back. We're
going to go full 80s here.
They want to dump toxic waste
in the woods. Without anybody
knowing.
They. And maybe that's. That
explains how the bear is the
way that he is. Is that he was
exposed to toxic waste.
And now like you have a forest
that is starting to become semi-intelligent
in terms of the animals.
And the bad guys don't know
this yet. But when they find
out that makes them want to
destroy the forest even worse.
Like even more. Is that a good
B level plot. Is that a good
enough plot for you sir. Yeah.
Okay. Alright. Bear got pulled
over.
And you know had sunglasses on
somehow.
Somehow fit in the car. Because
like bears are pretty big.
And cop had pulled him over.
And then we cut to bear cop.
You know like we cut to like
some kind of opening.
Okay. We have the bear with the
shades.
And then the bear like uses his
claw to lower the shades a
little bit.
And goes.
Yo.
Like just says something stupid
like that.
And then you cut to the opening.
Like the police officer falls
over.
And then you cut to the.
After the opening title
sequence.
You now cut to the bear like
kind of slapping.
Slapping the officer in the
face.
You know.
Trying to wake him up.
You know.
It's stereotypical.
Again comedy.
You know.
And he wakes up once.
Takes one look.
Sees it's the bear.
And then he passes out again.
So then.
You cut to the bear driving the
cop car.
And the police officer is in
the back.
And the police officer comes to.
And it's like.
What the hell is going on?
And the bear is like.
Yeah.
Sorry about that.
But you kind of.
Fainted on me there buddy.
What the hell?
There's.
What are you doing in my car?
Well you couldn't drive.
But.
But you're a bear.
Yeah.
Tell me about it.
Well but how.
Look.
It probably doesn't help to ask
any questions right now.
So.
Are you going to eat me?
No.
You moron.
We normally eat stuff that's
easy to get a hold of.
And I have no reason to eat you.
At least not right now.
Unless you want to give me a
reason.
And he turns back and like
gives him like a big like beefy
grin.
Like.
And the guy's like no no no.
And this is where some of the
exposition takes place.
And he's like.
The guy's like well where are
we going?
How the hell am I supposed to
know?
I just know how to drive this
car.
Well how do you know how to
drive a car?
Once again.
Probably best not to ask too
many questions.
Where should we be going?
Well why were you driving a car?
Yeah funny story about that.
You see.
I was sent to get help.
Well what do you mean you were
sent to get help?
Well you see.
There's been some shit going
down in my forest lately.
What kind of shit?
Like.
Kidnappings and shit.
Like.
Poacher type shit.
It would be cubnappings.
Cubnappings and other.
Let's just say Bambi's mother
and father might have gone
missing under mysterious
circumstances too.
How would he know about Bambi?
Don't.
Don't ask questions.
But.
Okay.
Alright.
So we've got.
We've got the setup.
So you do this flashback of
like.
You know.
His nephew got captured.
And then they hear like noise.
And he hears one of his bear
friends like way in the
background going.
What do we call this bear?
What's bear cop's name?
Joe.
I don't know.
Do you have a better idea?
Joe.
Go get help.
And like the cop's like.
Wait.
They can talk?
Yeah.
About that.
We're not quite sure when it
happened.
Or why it happened.
But.
There came a time.
Relatively recently.
Where we all got much smarter.
Now that doesn't mean that we're
not animals.
I mean we'll still kill each
other.
But.
There's a little bit more of a
hierarchy to things now.
And.
Yeah.
So we can talk.
Yeah.
So we can talk.
Yeah.
So we can talk.
And like the officer's like.
I'm guessing you know where the
unicorns are too.
Unicorns?
This is serious.
What the hell are you talking
about unicorns?
What kind of a fairy tale do
you think you're living in?
Do I look fake to you?
Do I look like Disney bullshit
bears to you?
I'll kick your ass if I need to.
I'll point your face right off.
You know.
Bear's still reminding him of
the pecking order.
Well.
So that's why you were speeding.
Yeah I guess.
I mean I kind of came across
these campers.
And.
Maybe I put a little scare into
them you know.
They're fine.
I didn't hurt them or nothing.
I even left them their cooler
food.
Which by the way.
Took an excessive amount of
willpower.
They had smoked salmon in there.
So.
That's why you were driving.
Yeah I was going to get help.
And you expect me.
To go to the precinct.
And to tell this story of yours.
Well.
It'd be a start.
Now meanwhile you got to cut to.
Like.
Poacher headquarters or
something.
We're not going to show the
real baddie yet.
You have like the band of.
I won't say.
We can't have them be fully inept.
Like.
Yeah.
Clearly they've been wreaking
havoc.
But.
You have like these three semi
dummy poachers.
Yeah.
And none of the animal.
The animals are smart enough
that they've captured.
That.
They're not talking.
Like they're still acting like
animals.
Like they're still acting like
animals.
Even though they clearly.
Have a sense of what's going on.
And obviously these guys.
Only have so many cages.
And only have so many buyers
for you know.
Exotic forest animals.
Like deer and raccoons and
whatnot.
So.
They're obviously killing them
too.
Yeah.
Taking them in the back room
and whatnot.
Especially the raccoons for
hats.
And then you cut to like the
lead poacher guy.
Looking at a computer screen.
But like it's the reverse angle
of the computer screen.
So you can just hear the sound.
You can't see the screen.
And it's like.
Are we still on schedule?
Of course it's got to be a
British guy.
Yeah.
It has to be an evil British
voice.
Yeah.
Mr.
Mr. So and so.
Like whatever.
Whatever.
Mr.
Whatever the name is.
Yeah.
We're on schedule.
Good.
I want that forest cleared as
soon as possible.
By the end of next week.
Wait.
By the end of next week.
You said we had till the end of
the month.
Yeah.
Well.
Timetables have.
Shifted a bit.
Yeah.
Or.
Things have.
We've gotten in a bit of a time
crunch here.
We're going to have to move
more quickly.
Move more quickly.
You gave me three guys.
What do you expect us to do to
clear out the entire forest in
a week?
Well.
I've got something that'll help.
And it's like.
You know.
It cuts to like this machine.
That's kind of like the machine
from Fern Gully.
You know.
It's just a machine that'll
like start like burning down
things.
And like.
Has auto targeting.
Like can shoot out nets.
And stuff.
It's like a combination of.
Okay.
It's a combination of the leveler
from Fern Gully.
And whatever that thing McLeach
drives.
In the rescuers down under.
Hmm.
Yeah.
And the guy's like.
Oh.
Yeah.
That's the ticket.
When will it be here?
It'll be there.
By tomorrow.
You know.
Or something.
Yeah.
Now where do we take things?
Uh.
All right, well, you've had
your moment to try to
contribute to the story, sir.
Now it's going to be an epically
lame episode where it's just me
talking.
I don't know.
I don't know how the police
stuff work.
Okay, so police officer.
Maybe they try to buy him
clothes or something.
Who knows?
Police officer and bear.
Well, I mean, maybe eventually
the bear has like a police
outfit,
but right now he's just Joe Q
Bear,
which is funny because you said
his name was Joe.
So now his name is Joe Q Bear.
So officer instructs bear on
how to get to the precinct
headquarters.
Or maybe it's not even a precinct.
Maybe it's not a city.
It's like a more rural town or
whatever.
But still, there's a police
office.
He's like, you know I can't
bring you in there, right?
And the bear's like, the fuck
you're not.
I need to, you know, like we
got to look up these poacher
people and see if we can find
them.
Well, yeah, but like, how am I
going to sneak you in?
And they look across the street
and there's a donut shop.
And the bear goes, hmm.
Cut to the bear carrying like
eight dozen donuts and a box of
Joe.
You know, they walk in and it's
like, you know, the cops walk
in next to them.
They're like, hey.
What's the cop's name now?
Uh.
Well, Macaulay could be his
last name.
Macaulay.
Yeah.
I don't know.
So.
Do you have a better idea?
Kevin Macaulay.
Okay.
Yeah.
Or Kevin Macaulay.
Yeah.
It was, you know, a little bit
of a Home Alone reference or
whatever.
Because Macaulay poking.
Anyway.
Hey, Kevin.
It's like, hey, I know it's
been a long day, guys.
So I'm going to go put these in
the break room.
It's all on me.
All right.
I got to go to my office and do
some stuff.
I'll be in it.
Wow.
That's like the most donuts
that anybody.
Like, what do you, did you buy
like a dozen for each of us?
Look, I just know you guys have
been working like so hard
lately.
And we're coming up on the
holidays.
You deserve it.
I mean, we know that the town's
not going to pay for it.
Yeah, you're right.
So, they get to the guy's
office like a little bit sneakily.
You know, there's some communic
shenanigans like the bears tripping
over stuff.
Yeah.
You know, he runs and like gets
a waste paper basket stuck on
his foot.
Like on his rear paw.
Obviously, the bear walks on
two legs.
Yeah.
Unfortunately, this is going to
be a very heavy CG film.
Yeah.
There's no way around it.
By the way, the bear, though,
will still have cartoonish
expressions, okay?
We're not going for full
realism.
Yeah.
We want the bear to smile, to
laugh.
We want its eyes to show like
sadness and deep emotion.
None of this.
We need to make it look 100%
like a real bear.
Because guess what?
Real bears can't do that shit.
Yeah.
So, anyway.
We get to Kevin's, Officer
Kevin's, or Officer McCulley's
office.
Okay.
So, what can you tell me about
these poachers?
And the bear's like, well, I
didn't actually see it myself.
What?
What do you mean you didn't see
it yourself?
So, like, you have nothing for
us to go off of.
Look, like, can't you just,
like, type in poachers in your
database?
And, like, the guy looks at the
book.
Look, we're in Northwest
Washington State.
Do you know how many reports of
poachers we get?
Like, there's forests all over
the place.
That it's not just that simple.
We can't just type in poachers
and bam.
Well, and the bear's like, well,
how the hell am I supposed to
know that?
I only started getting a base
level of intelligence, like,
two weeks ago.
I don't know what you've got.
Well, what do you mean you don't?
But you know enough to get us
this far.
Yeah.
But that means I know
everything about police work.
Kevin, what the hell's wrong
with you?
I'm a fucking bear.
My instincts are not at that
level with you yet.
All right.
Fine.
Is there anything you do know?
Did any of your friends tell
you anything in animal leagues?
First of all, we all speak
English.
So that's species-ish.
All right.
Maybe we won't throw that in
there.
That's a little bit dumb.
But secondly, yes.
One of the animals did mention
a symbol they saw on one of the
poachers' trucks.
Okay.
All right.
That...
We can do something with that.
All right.
Do you know what the symbol is?
And the bear, like...
The bear, like, tries to write
with a pen and a piece of paper,
but he can't because claws.
All right.
How about this?
Just describe it to me.
All right.
So he describes the symbol to
him.
And...
And they, uh...
They...
They managed to find...
A symbol for it.
And it's like, uh...
Joe, are you sure this is a
symbol that...
It's like, well, yeah, I'm sure.
What's this?
Well...
We may have a problem.
What do you mean we may have a
problem?
Well...
The symbol you're drawing...
Happens to be for one of the
biggest, like...
Paper manufacturing companies...
In...
In the United States.
Like, this company...
We won't go with Pure Chemical
Company.
We'll go with paper because,
you know...
Then it kind of covers over the
fact that they're doing toxic
waste.
They're thinking that they're
trying to get rid of the...
The log...
Like, they're trying to empty
out the forest because they
need the wood for paper.
Yeah.
All right?
Like...
Their corporate offices, in
fact, are right here in town.
Or right outside of town.
But...
But it's a paper company.
I mean, like, why would they be...
The bear's like, look...
I don't know the why...
I can only tell you what
happened.
Tell you what?
Let me take you out to the
woods.
And...
And you can talk to...
You know, my...
My friends.
And it's like...
All right.
But how are we going to sneak
out?
Like, how are we going to get
out without people noticing?
Like, we don't have donuts
anymore.
And the bear's like, yeah,
speaking of donuts, I'm getting
kind of hungry.
Maybe we could snag some of
them on the way out.
Yeah, but how are we going to
do that?
And the camera pans over to the
closet and it has, like, these
extra large, like, police
jackets and stuff and hats.
Yeah.
And the bear looks at the guy
and the guy's like, what?
So, you know, I got into better
shape recently.
Okay.
And so, they walk out, bear in
uniform.
And it's like, wait, Joe, or
wait, Kevin, like, you didn't
tell us that we were getting a
transfer and you got a partner?
No, he's more of a trainee than
a partner.
Man, that guy's, that guy's
really got to shave.
You know, some dumbass.
Like, there's no way anybody
would believe this, but it's a
movie.
Right.
So, they go out to the woods.
And, you know, eventually there
has to be something that, like,
drives a wedge between them,
but we're not there yet.
So, they go to the woods the
next day.
Meanwhile, cut back to the poachers.
And they got the machine.
And it's like, oh, man.
So excited to have this baby.
It's like, yeah, this has got
to take a little while to set
up, but by nightfall tonight,
say nighty-night, animals.
Yeah.
Wow.
You know.
So, Joe is now leading Kevin,
Officer McCauley, through the
forest.
And just, like, kind of sitting
there appreciating, oh, yeah,
this is where I used to run and
play when I was a Cub.
And it's like, what are you
talking about?
The road is, like, five feet
away.
That road wasn't there ten
years ago.
Yeah.
You know.
Oh, yeah.
Like, me and my brothers and my
dear mother and my dear sweet
mother, we used to come down
there all the time.
And the bear, like, walks over.
Like, now he's on all fours,
obviously.
Walks over to the river and,
like, splashes water on his
face.
It's like, we used to catch the
best salmon right here.
Oh, those were good times.
And the officer's, like,
looking around.
It's like, yeah, you know, this
place is really nice.
It's like, yeah, it was.
It's like, so, you don't have
your mom anymore?
Nah.
Someone shot her.
Oh, that sucks, man.
Yeah, it was hard growing up as
a kid without a mom.
But, you know, we took care of
each other.
We survived.
My dad was never really in the
picture.
Don't really know what happened
to him.
Yeah, so you have all this
exponential stuff.
And the cop's like, yeah.
My dad left when I was young,
too.
You know, it was my mom who,
you know, raised me and took
care of me.
It's like, yeah, it's funny.
It's funny.
We think that we're so
different.
And yet, life can be just as
hard for man or beast.
And the cop's like, so, where
do we have to head?
Well, where we really want to
head is for the center of the
forest.
Because that's where most of
the animals are.
Like your raccoons, your
squirrels, stuff like that.
Stay on the outside.
But really, it's the inner
forest where we need to go to
get the real dirt on things.
And they're walking around in
the forest.
And so, Kevin goes, you know,
so, Joe, you were talking about
instinct and all this.
And how, like, you don't know
about police business or
computers or nothing.
But yet, you knew enough to
drive a car.
You knew what a police officer
was.
Like, what do you mean that you
don't have instincts?
And it's, or you don't have,
like, the intellect to be this,
that, and the other.
And it's like, I don't know,
man.
Look, I can only tell you about
this.
I might have intelligence now.
But there's still three main
drivers to my life.
Eating, shitting, and cue sexy
music.
And the camera pans up, and
there's female bear.
And he's like, uh, uh.
And female bear is, like,
getting a bit aggressive.
Like, because, you know, there's
a cop there.
There's a man.
And the people that have been
coming in have been men.
And he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa,
no, no, no.
Like, the bear is like, no, no,
it's fine, it's fine.
He's with me.
Joe?
Yeah.
Yeah, it's me.
And then he takes off the
police hat.
See?
And he gives, like, a big,
goofy-ass grin.
Oh.
Oh, okay.
I didn't recognize you.
You look so different.
So distinguished with the hat.
Oh, well, thanks, Marla.
I think her name Marla is good.
Yeah.
That's okay.
Well, what are you doing back
here?
I thought you went to get help.
I did.
And he points to Kevin.
And he, like, just kind of
gives, like, a little wave.
You brought a human.
Well, who else was I going to
get?
I don't know.
I was expecting you to get,
like, cocaine bear or something.
Some, like, roided-out animal.
And you got a human?
Humans are the ones that are
trying to kill us.
Yeah, but not this human.
Okay.
Kevin's, like, fishing.
Look, man.
If I can call you, man.
Yeah, that's fine, I guess.
I'm here to find out what's
going on.
Because what you have here is a
forest of talking animals.
All that are being evidently
killed off or captured, we got
to figure out what's going on.
And the only link I have is
this.
And he prints out, like, he
takes a printout of the company
logo.
Yeah.
That's the only thing I...
Yeah.
That's them.
Every time a truck rolls in
here, it's that symbol.
Well, what kind of a truck?
Are we talking, like, like he
describes, like, these big,
long trucks with, like, big,
like,
side, like, metal pieces to
hold wood?
No.
No, that's not what's coming in
here.
Like, we're seeing just, like,
smaller vehicles.
You mean, like, a regular truck?
Look, I'm not going to pretend
to fully know what a truck is.
But if you're talking about a
boxy thing that looks like it's
cut in half, yeah, it's a truck.
Well, that's weird.
Did you notice if they brought
any surveying equipment out?
Are they putting any, like,
flags or anything around?
No.
But I'll tell you what they
have been bringing.
Let me show you.
And so she and the other bear
take off, and maybe they run
into some animals along the way.
And they get over to the big
steel drums with the big skull
and crossbones.
And stuff on them.
This is what they're bringing
in here.
It's like, this doesn't make
any sense.
Why would they be bringing this
stuff out here?
What the hell is going on?
And it's getting to nighttime
now.
So they hear, like, an engine
start up in the distance.
And all these bright lights
suddenly flood the entire
forest.
And it's like, what the hell is
that?
Like, and they look.
And this big machine just
starts coming through, like,
tearing through the trees.
Like, the deer start running
off.
But, like, nets are shooting
out, capturing the deer.
Yeah.
There's raccoons.
And, like, they're just being,
like, targeted and tranquilized.
And Marla runs off.
And she gets captured in a net.
And Joe's like, Marla!
Joe!
She gets right.
And meanwhile, Kevin's like,
Joe, we got to get out of here.
No, we got to go for Marla.
Joe, we got to get out of here.
No, we got to get Marla!
Joe, do you want to try to save
Marla now and die in the
process?
Or do you actually want to be
alive to save her?
Fine!
So they book it.
They get back to the car.
And, um, but the cop took
pictures or something.
So he has evidence.
He's going to figure out how to
do something about this.
So they get back to the car.
And the bear's like, you know,
the bear's like, well, so what
are we going to do?
Well, we can't go to the brain
state yet because we got to
save some of these animals at
least.
Yeah, you damn well better save
my Marla.
What do you mean you're Marla?
You just met her.
I've known her for years.
What, what are you two, like an
item or something?
No, not exactly.
Well, dude, she was all over
you.
Hey, shut up, okay?
It's complicated.
It's not that complicated.
Just sounds like you're not
willing to...
Shut up, okay?
Let's stop talking about me and
start talking about...
They hatch a plan.
And he has photos and stuff,
but he's like, hey, there's
only one other major road in
and out of this forest.
We can get over there.
Maybe we can like...
We can like sabotage this
machine a little bit.
So they head over, like they
sneak over to the other side of
the forest.
And sure enough, like the guys
are taking a break.
They're sitting there drinking
coffee or whatever.
They're like, ah, yeah.
Nothing like a hard night's
work.
That's great.
Yeah, we did a good job.
They're going to be so happy.
I guarantee you another night
of this and we'll have them all.
Meanwhile, like they're
sneaking around.
They're like pulling wires and
tubes off the machine.
They find Marla.
They manage to set her free.
No, wait.
They don't set Marla free.
Because we need her to go back
to headquarters.
So the bad guys have a, you
know, leverage.
But they're starting to set
animals free.
And like then, the guys catch
wind that something's wrong
because they start hearing like
animals move around and stuff.
So the animals run through,
knock their coffee over.
Like one of the guys gets like
kicked in the head by a deer,
gets knocked out.
The other guy panics, jumps
into his truck, leaves.
But the other guy, so let's say
there are three guys.
So the remaining guy gets into
the big machine and manages to
like haul off.
And the bear's like, no, no, we
didn't get Marla.
We didn't get Marla.
Kevin's like, look, look, we
know where they're going.
We know what their headquarters
are.
Like, we will get her back.
That's easy for you to say.
She could be dead by tomorrow
morning.
Maybe she was right.
Maybe I shouldn't have trusted
you.
He's like, no, I promise.
We'll take care of this.
We got the evidence.
You know, we got everything we
need.
We got pictures.
We got fingerprints.
We got the guys.
We got the company.
We got everything we need.
All we got to do is go back and
tell the chief.
Okay, fine.
I'll trust you, but we got to
get Marla back.
I know.
All right.
We cut from that moment because
there's going to be like some
kind of tension or something
there.
And we cut back to bad guy
headquarters.
And they get in a call with
like the big baddie.
Again, we don't see the big baddie.
So, how are operations going?
Well, we have a little bit of a
problem.
What do you mean a little
problem?
Well, you see, there's this guy,
local cop, showed up and sabotaged
part of the machine.
He did what?
Yeah.
Well, you blithering idiots.
How could the local cops be
there?
I don't know, sir.
All I know is that this guy
came in and like sabotaged the
equipment.
We barely got out of there.
Well, that's okay.
I'll take care of them.
Just, you just get the rest of
those animals.
Oh, and sir.
Yes.
We thought we heard something
weird.
Well, what do you mean you
thought you heard something
weird?
Well, I don't know.
It could have been just me.
So, you have to set this up,
obviously.
At some point, like one of the
bad guys actually like thinks
that like after he's been like
knocked to the ground or
something, he thinks that he
sees the officer talking to a
bear.
It's like, well, I don't know.
It could have been I was
hitting the head too hard.
Well, that's, that's, that's,
that's, that's for sure.
No, but like, I swear I saw the
officer talking to a bear.
Talking to a bear?
Yeah.
Talking to a bear.
Well, that, that does put a damper
on things.
Sir, you don't seem fazed by
this.
Yeah, don't worry about it.
Okay, sir.
You cut back to the, the, the
station.
And, and Officer McCauley goes
into the Chief's office.
Sir, I need to talk to you
right now.
You know, I'm a little busy
right now.
No, no.
This, this has to happen now.
Okay.
Well, what's going on?
Sir, I believe that our woodland
area off of like I-7.
There's something sketchy going
on there.
Oh, really?
Well, what made you believe
that?
Well, throws down like pictures
of the drums of like the, the
poachers and everything.
I was out there and here's,
here's what I'm seeing.
Interesting.
Well, you see, I know all about
this.
The Chief's the bad guy.
Yeah.
You see, I may or may not have
made a small investment in a
small company not too long ago
and needed a place to get rid
of some materials from an
experimental division that went
belly up.
And tell me, officer, how
exactly did you come to know
about this?
Now, meanwhile, keep in mind,
Joe is in the car outside or
whatever.
Yeah.
And he gets jumped.
Yeah.
He gets jumped, but he's going
to escape.
Yeah.
So I was like, well, what do
you mean?
Like, I got an anonymous tip.
Really?
An anonymous tip?
Yeah.
I mean, I was, I was doing a
routine traffic stop and a guy
told me.
Really?
What guy?
What did he look like?
Well, sir, if I, I, I can't
divulge my sources.
Officer, if you expect me to do
anything about this, I need to
know.
Well, sir, he's a bear.
Meanwhile, the bear's, like,
getting in a fist fight outside.
A bear?
Well, you know, it's too bad
for you that I already figured
out your little secret.
Let's just say your friend's
being taken care of right now.
No!
And that's for you.
And, like, he throws him into
the jail cell.
This will teach you for
interfering with local politics
or local businesses or whatever.
Ha, ha, ha.
And, like, meanwhile, the bear
beats the crap out of the two
guys that were sent to come
after him.
And he runs off.
He's like, I can't believe it.
Can't believe Kevin would turn
on me like this.
And it's like, no, Kevin wouldn't
turn on me.
Oh, yeah, because, like, one of
the guys, like, says Kevin
sends his regards.
Or something like that, you
know.
Or they could just be dressed
as cops.
They could be dressed as cops
or whatever.
He promised me.
And, like, so he's, like,
running off.
And meanwhile, you cut to, you
know, Officer McCauley.
He's in the jail.
It's like, man, what am I going
to do now?
And, like, I think maybe.
Thought of a new element here.
They met, at one point, a chipmunk
in the woods.
Well, yeah, because the
squirrels and chipmunks read
the news.
Yeah.
That would be their, that would
be what they do.
So.
And the birds, obviously.
They met a chipmunk in the
woods.
And the chipmunk wanted to help.
But, like, obviously they told
him, no, like, you're just a
little guy.
You can't get involved in this.
Meanwhile, he snuck.
He snuck into the officer's
pocket at one point.
And Kevin sits down on the
prison bin and you just hear
squeak.
And it's like, what?
What are you doing in there?
Well, I need, I thought I told
you I wanted to help.
Yeah, but I told you to stay
behind.
Well, it turns out I need your
help.
Yeah, and maybe, I think at
some point we need the chief to
say something like, well, then
we'll have to pay your friends
a lady bear a visit, won't we?
Yeah, or something like that.
The guy's like, look, I need
you to run and tell Joe that it
wasn't me.
And then I'm trapped in the
jail and I can't do anything.
It's my boss.
It's the chief.
I didn't know it was him.
And so the chipmunk runs off.
Meanwhile, like, the bear is
like, oh, I've got to, you know,
he's just storming around, like,
breaking into grocery stores.
Like, breaking into the, he
breaks into a grocery store.
He rips the door off of a
freezer and, like, just grabs,
like, a big bucket of ice cream
and starts, like, one pawing it.
You know, just like, oh.
I'm so depressed.
I lost, like, the one lady that
I want, my only human friend.
Ah.
What the hell am I going to do?
And then the chipmunk is like,
he shows up and is like, look,
you got it all wrong.
He's in jail.
Well, what do you mean he's in
jail?
And your lady bear, she's in
big trouble.
Well, what do you mean she's in
trouble?
Look, I can't explain.
You got to get him out of the
jail now.
Okay.
And he runs, you know, lumbers
all four legs, like, busts
through the lobby of the police
station.
They're like, oh, my gosh.
Like, you know, there's a
receptionist there.
Don't worry.
I brought the donuts the other
day.
Yeah.
He's running.
He gets to jail.
Oh, my gosh.
Yeah.
Joe, I'm so happy to see you.
Kevin, I thought you betrayed
me.
No, I would never betray you,
man.
Now, get me out of here.
Well, where are the keys?
The chief has them.
Oh.
And the chief is the guy that's
working with that company,
right?
Yeah.
And he's gone, right?
Yeah.
And he said something about
visiting your lady bear friend.
You see, like, the bear, like,
start to go, and just rips the
jail cell door up.
And looks at him.
And Kevin looks at him.
He's like, remind me never to
make you angry.
He's like, damn right.
And so they go off, and they're
like, okay, we've got to come
up with a plan.
And it's like, well, what kind
of a plan?
I think on their way out, they
show, like, a big gear locker
filled with stuff.
And you have to hold the camera
for a moment to show that there's
bulletproof vests in there.
Yeah.
Because that's a setup.
So they grab a bunch of stuff.
They're grabbing weapons.
They're grabbing, like, sabotage
stuff.
And then they head out to the
chemical facility for this
paper company.
Now, they have to break in.
So they're using, like, wire
cutters to break through the
chain link fence and sneak in.
They start cutting security
cameras and whatnot.
And the bear is like, so I'm
going to bust in there.
No, you're not going to do that
because they're going to shoot
you.
Well, then what do we do?
And they're, like, trying to
sneak through these air vents.
And the bear is just like, I
have to tell you for the record,
this is a very bad idea.
Like, the air vents are just,
like, bowing out as they're
crawling through the ducts.
And so they start, like,
getting listening.
And they start hearing, like,
the bad guy monologuing.
Like, my dear lady, your bear
friend is dead.
And his human friend's in jail.
There's nothing, absolutely
nothing, that will get the drop
on us in this operation.
And that's when the bear falls
through the air duct right on
top of him.
He's like, oh, yeah.
And so, like, they start
fighting.
You know, his human friend,
Officer McCauley, starts, gets
in the fight, too.
And, you know, the bear, like,
at some point is, like,
flipping through the keys.
No, no, no, where's Marla's?
And he sets Marla free.
And that's, and everybody
thinks things are going well.
And then most of the bad guys
have been dispatched.
And you hear, like, a big
shotgun blast go up in the air.
And it's, and the chief turns
towards the bear, turns towards
Kevin.
Or, no, not towards Kevin,
towards Marla.
And it's like, okay.
So, I guess we're going to do
things the hard way then.
And as he's pulling the trigger,
obviously, Joe dives in front
of Marla and pushes her out of
the way.
And he gets shot point blank in
the chest.
And so, or not point blank, but,
like, he clearly gets shot.
Yeah.
And Marla's like, no.
And, and the chief is laughing.
You know, Kevin, like, his leg's
broken or something.
Yeah.
So, like, you know, maybe he,
he, so he can't get up and help.
And so, like, the chief is just
sitting there, like, gloating
and laughing and doesn't expect
the absolute ferocity and speed
of Marla.
And she just rampages, knocks
the shotgun out, and just
starts, like, slashing him.
Like, you know.
And, and meanwhile, like, the
guy's like, no, no.
And, like, the, the other,
Kevin's like, no, no, no.
You, you can't, you can't kill
him.
We got to bring him to justice.
And she's like, you're lucky
that I have enough intelligence
to respect your laws, human.
Because the justice, the
justice of the forest is very
different than what you would
do.
So this guy is, like, bleeding
out.
And you think, oh, yeah, like,
he'll end up getting true
justice.
But what you don't realize is
some of the raccoons and
squirrels that were set free
are up in the rafters.
And the guy's like, yeah.
I promise, you know, after I've
recovered, you're all gonna go
to hell.
I'll burn that forest to the
ground.
Nibble, nibble, nibble.
Funk.
Like an air duct or something
just falls right on him, cuts
him in half.
And they're like, what?
You know, just like, what?
Now, now we have to turn our
attention back to our friend
Joe, though.
Joe was clearly shot.
He's laying there on the ground.
Everybody is all sad.
Everybody gathers around him.
Heaven hobbles over.
He's like, buddy, you got to be
alive.
Like, come on, buddy.
Speak to me.
And the bear borrows a line
from Yogi Bear, which is like,
how about a picnic basket, Mr.
Ranger?
And he's like, huh?
And the camera pans down.
And the bear still had, like,
on the police jacket this whole
time, the old police jacket.
And underneath it, the bulletproof
vest.
How would he know that's bulletproof?
Well, they grabbed the stuff
out of the cabinet on the way
out.
Yeah, but how would he know it's
bulletproof?
It was explained off camera.
Okay, we don't need, we just
need to set up that they took a
bulletproof vest.
They declare the forest like a
national preserve.
You know, obviously Marla and
Joe end up together.
And when they have their first
little cub, they declare Kevin
to be his godfather or whatever.
And meanwhile, Joe officially
gets a job on the force.
You know, they're celebrating,
like, you know, they're
celebrating, like, the, you
know, the birth of their child.
They're having a little party.
And then, like, Kevin, like,
gets a radio.
Oh, you know, we have a three,
you know, we have a ten
whatever in progress.
Oh, gotta go.
You know, duty calls and then,
like, Joe looks at his wife,
you know, Marla.
Well, honey, you know, gotta
get out there and take care of
things, you know, or whatever.
And it's like, oh, yeah, you
are one great bear.
No, I'm not just a bear.
I'm a bear cop.
You know, or something like
that.
And that's how we wrap it up.
So, what do you think?
Yippee.
So, Hollywood, now that we've
walked you through the story
and fleshed it out a bit,
now we'll keep the same price,
I'd say $75,000 for the script.
Maybe $85,000.
We'll go up to $85,000.
Plus 5% of the gross.
Yeah.
So, if you want to let us know,
I mean, we'd be happy to flesh
out this story more for you.
And if anyone else wants to let
us know what you think of the
story, there's one place you
could do that,
and that's by emailing...
feedback@nontopical.com
That's right.
And by the way, you too can be
like our good friend Dimce
and support us,
because we do believe in
something called...
Value for value.
Which means whatever value you
get out of the show,
show equal value in return.
And we appreciate any of that,
anything from $5, $3, or...
Hypothetical $1,000.
Sir, all this talk about, you
know, picnic baskets and stuff...
Did it make you hungry at all?
No.
No?
Not even hungry for...
Cheese quesadilla.
All right, everyone.
Well, we appreciate you
listening, and we'll be back in
a couple of weeks, as usual.
And, yeah.
I don't have anything else.
Thanks for listening.
Bye.