NT 013 - The Cat in the Hat: He's Evil!

It's spooky month. It's spooky

month or at least it will be

when this releases and well so

this is

releasing if my math is correct

one week before Halloween it's

the Saturday before Halloween

even

though you know the Saturday

after Halloween would be closer

to Halloween that's not the

point we're

staying on schedule damn it.

Happy spooky time. It's a

spooky month. Spooky month or

spooky month

whatever you like to call it.

Happy spookiness. Happy episode

13 and yeah it just happened to

fall that

way. We didn't plan this. We

didn't plan episode 13 around

Halloween. Around Halloween it

just worked

out that way. You really think

that we're gonna plan that much

for this show? We're too lazy.

Yeah no that's

not gonna happen. We aren't

paid enough for this. But if

you do want to pay us go to

http://ko-fi.com/nontopical

And then maybe you'd

be paying us enough for this.

Yeah maybe. Maybe. So we're

coming upon the

spooky season. Time for me to

take out all of my favorite

horror films and watch them

back to back

back. We got the Evil Dead

series. Well and we've got the

Alien series. We've got Friday

the 13th. We've got

Nightmare on Elm Street. We've

got Hellraiser. Of course none

of these films are films you

could watch

so we'll have to stick with Tremors

and Tremors 2. And I guess The

Nightmare Before Christmas is a

Christmas movie. Well we can

watch that too. And Corpse Ride.

Witches Night Out which is an

animated feature

that we have a strange

amusement with. Meh. But yeah.

So however you choose to enjoy

spooky season or

if you are practicing of the

the the arts hopefully you'll

have a great Samhain if if you

are in fact

practicing. Or if you're

Christian or Catholic All Hallows

Eve All Saints Day All Souls

Day and all that.

Or if you're in Mexico or

Hispanic Dia de los Muertos.

Dia de los Muertos. Oh. Coco

and Book of Life. Those are

other movies we could watch.

Anyway. So yes. No matter how

you celebrate the spooky time

of year we hope that you do

celebrate and have a great time.

Yep. Hey. I thought of a great

way that we could celebrate. Oh

no.

With your favorite food. Cheese

case. There we go. I knew I

wanted to shoehorn that in. So.

Does that mean that we have to

shoehorn inflation in now? Well

that just happens naturally.

Yeah. Anyway. I had a

collection of Dr. Seuss classic

animated features on DVD. Yep.

And. Kit. In the

past and you know more recently

has brought up the fact that

there there is a great evil in

Dr. Seuss stuff. Shockingly.

And it's it's not the Grinch.

It's not the humans that kidnap

Horton. It's not the Lorax who

speaks for the trees. Nor the

one slur who cut down those

trees. It's not the dogs who

have parties up in the trees.

What? Go

all go yeah it's not the green

eggs and ham although those are

suspicious because they they

they're probably out of date it's

not the box and socks either

but the very mascot of dr seuss

himself the cat in the hat the

cat in the hat he's evil all

right now shall we explain i i

think we

need to explain this i i want

to i want people to understand

where you're coming from so i

did at

one point first of all i have

not to my knowledge shown kit

the live action cat in the hat

starring

mike myers at this point in

time at this point in time we're

recording this last month which

is which

is even more evil let's be

honest the mike myers cat in

the hat is disturbing yeah and

he only

did it because he was mandated

to by the courts yeah so we're

talking about the original

animated

cat in the hat yep and even the

book yep

so the premise is kids are home

by themselves yep on a rainy

day yep nothing better to do

yep

bored out of their friggin mind

they also have a talking fish i

think the talking fix

is more featured in the

animated feature but i think it's

mentioned in the book yes yeah

but and

cat in the hat shows up they

have hijinks cat in the hat

cleans everything up and leaves

before mom

gets home that's basically the

story yep now how do we get

from that to he's evil well you

see first of all

the cat in the hat comes in

uninvited which uh trespassing

second uh he's a cat i mean how

can you say no to such a cute

cat

cute uh for all we know he's a

skinwalker i mean he is kind of

terrifying if you think about

it you have like a six-foot cat

walking up to your door

uh what did they teach kids

back in the 60s or 70s i think

it was the 70s when that well

yeah 60s when the book was

written

yeah i think they they they

unfortunately like smart

children even though they open

the door for him or he let

himself in they they have them

leave and then he comes in

saying hey i left my three-pronged

family grudanza or whatever it's

called

your your three-hand of moss

covered family grudanza yeah

yes which by the way we may get

mixed up

between the the animated

feature and the book i don't

think it matters yeah so he he

says i left it in there

and obviously no one knows what

that is and they all think that

that's ridiculous and he still

comes right in he's not really

breaking and entering but he is

still trespassing

but how does that make him evil

like that's that's criminal i

mean and property damage i mean

that's that's also criminal he

does guilt trip the children

that's manipulative but he also

tortures the fish i mean who

hasn't tortured a fish in time

to time

he also brings in uh two stowaways

and we can presume that they

are not citizens of the united

states

so look you don't know if they

have a green card or not i mean

they are called things yeah but

they're good things

i mean that's debatable they

cause chaos they deface

property so they'd be perfect

for the government

okay now seriously why these

these things not just the

things of the of in terms of

the characters of things

but the things you are

mentioning the actions that the

cat in the hat took do not

necessarily prove evil

so where do you get where is

the line that demonstrates true

evality or evilness or ev

validity murder murder yeah all

this took a turn

i smell a movie coming so you

see judging by the new cat in

the hat movie trailer at least

it's newer at this time

yeah if you're listening to

this five years you know the

movie's been off for like three

years already or four years

already

either that or they ran out of

budget and got bought off by

disney

yeah it's possible oh my gosh

it's a cyber truck no talk

about evil uh yeah that's true

evil oh we've seen things that

should not be seen

you know i i bet you anything

that the cat in the hat was

driving that cyber truck yeah i

wouldn't doubt it not for a

moment

all right continue though now

uh based on this new movie

trailer the not only is the cat

in the hat

clearly part of his own nation

i mean i mean he has his own

world he has his own own world

that he's part of so

clearly he's part of some other

nation so but that doesn't mean

he's here deleted i mean

what do go on let's let's get

let's get to the real cat in

the hat as in the cat in the

hat when the cat in the

hat say for example goes out of

copyright well you see it's

very simple like cat in the hat

runs an

underground gang gang yes okay

but what does this gang do well

they spread how did he turn to

this this life of

cram well you see he was all

teaching his kids their abc's

and one two threes and how to

rhyme and have fun in the

the rain where do things go so

horribly wrong i mean first of

all he's teaching the kids how

to be

manipulated but you see

obviously the cat in the hat

has tons of things and he

spreads those things to

all the houses that he trespasses

upon and those things spy from

and if there's anyone anyone

that dare do

anything to say no to their

child the things go and they

tear out their throats but then

the cat the cat

in the hat doesn't really do

his own dirty work despite

having you know a magical hat

that he could

pull stuff out of magical crates

to store things in well i mean

that's just for all all the

ordinary children

but you see the the children

that the cat has visited

personally oh he keeps special

eye on those you see

not only that's that's not

creepy sounding at all not only

does he send as many things as

there are people

in that house but should the

parents do anything should the

parents leave the child alone

for too long

or should they leave them alone

for not long enough should they

say no to the child should they

say yes to

the child under certain

circumstances you see the cat

has his ways to make people

disappear

no evidence you see the things

are too dirty they leave too

much evidence behind so for

those cases the

cat must make them disappear

okay you know i like the

premise but obviously he does

this all over the

world after all he he speaks

many languages wait this is

this is not subtle enough let's

let's get into

us how hollywood we know that

you already love this hot

property we love that it's uh

you know something

that you're already making

another movie about so we're

gonna start the rate at a

hundred thousand

minimum and you know the our

standard five percent of the

gross proceeds from the film of

course that's

going to go up as we continue

to discuss this you already got

the free premise now we're

going to dive in

of course all right i think

your premise has merit first of

all can that is evil because i

mean he can

connect to all these different

extra-dimensional things he

clearly can you know shrink

things and

grow things and do all this

crazy stuff and there's there

this this is something that is

of another realm

yeah all right either that or

it's some kind of crazy

government experiment right one

of those two

that's always the explanation i

say what we do is we look at

the two original kids yeah but

they're

teenagers now yeah all right so

it's uh sally and i forgot what's

his face i think it's sally sally

and what's his face i forgot

his name but anyway nothing bad

has happened to their parents

or anything

should we call them sam and sally

uh it's easier to find bobby

and sally i don't know but you

know

they're of an age where they're

16 17 you know they're starting

to experience life they might

have

boyfriends or girlfriends or

whatever they're they're

getting on that sweet social

media they're having

some issues at school they're

having some issues fitting in

bobby and sally i'm not sure

but the

point is that they've they've

always kind of felt unease

since the cats visit when they

were young

you know they question whether

or not they just made it up as

a fun game

when mom was out they trashed

the house and put it back

together themselves

and there's really been no real

indicator that it happened

except for like just the

strange sense of

being watched when their

parents aren't at home and you

have to cut to you know the the

cat somewhere

in like some kind of nerve

center having either cameras or

like you said the things

sneaking into this

house yeah and there's one

weekend where mother and father

say hey kids you're old enough

where we can

leave you home alone don't go

crazy and throw a party or

anything we're gonna go out of

town and we're

gonna have a good time and that

is when the real action starts

i would also like to add

something to the cat's

character

go ahead so first of all he's

sound british most of the time

okay uh he also he also will

look friendly

he'll have like a kind of like

it will look like he has a

mustache like he's covered in

fur but like a

sticker he has to he has to

look friendly and evil yeah no

no you see he looks evil he

looks friendly to

begin with and then and then

and then if we make him angry

enough then then he changes he

becomes more evil

well in this case yeah what we

do is so because this is cliche

parents say you know be good

while we're out

yeah what's the first thing

they do don't be good they call

all their friends yeah and

their friends all show up

maybe there's some alcohol and

some some weed you know that

shows up you know and this is

this is going

to be a rager of a party they

might not get along with

everybody at school or it might

be slightly

outsiders because they're a

little bit off but nobody's

going to turn down a good party

and they do have some

friends so the party's raging

and all of a sudden sally's

cell phone rings hey you know

they're all bopping and jiving

and

drinking and drinking and you

know maybe she's grinding

against a guy who knows but her

phone rings and she

picks it up and it says unknown

number but she picks it up

anyway hello why didn't you

invite me

a party oh this will be fun a

party you know some kind of

rhyme yeah i'll be there

shortly

now sally's a little bit

freaked out and she uh you know

goes to her brother and you

know his her

brother's probably like in a

bedroom like starting to get on

with a with a girl and she's

banging on his

door he's like what i'm busy no

we need to talk now i got this

phone call he goes come on

it's somebody from school

playing a prank you know you

know it's easy to spoof or

block your caller id

it's easy to you know do a call

like that it's somebody from

school just being dumb yeah

and then at that point you know

it started raining at some

point because this is cliche

yeah she's like no you don't

understand it was him him who

the cat what do you the cat the

cat in the hat

thunder lightning power goes

out

everybody kind of like does a

quick scream and then like they

they turn on their cell phone

cameras

uh everybody starts like kind

of laughing how they freaked

out and stuff and the lights

come back on

yeah but the front door is open

and somebody's like well that's

weird and at this point

as people are doing naughty-ish

things they're slowly starting

to get picked off one by one so

this is where we we take the freddie

krueger corny campy line

approach

every time the cat in the hat

kills somebody he has to make

some kind of rhyme about it

yeah so if they're

they're doing drugs he has to

be he has to make a a rhyme

about how drugs will kill you

look if

it's somebody who is stealing

jewelry from sally's parents

bedroom it's a rhyme about

thieves and and such

and some of the deaths have to

obviously be supernatural

like maybe somebody eats like

half of a pizza by themselves

and then he makes them like

get huge and then blow along

yeah stuff like that and

obviously he uses the things to

go around and

knock people over also also the

things should look like dolls

yes creepy dolls yeah but they

move yeah

they just don't move when

people are looking directly at

them except like as you're

getting later in the film

where there's only like three

people left or four people left

yeah then then you start having

like

the dark hallways where you see

them running across and stuff

but the point is people get

picked off one by one

and sally and my brother slowly

start to realize that the cat

in the hat is in fact back

and that he wants to have all

sorts of fun with them he he

wants to play yeah for keeps i

i i i i kind of imagine

that uh referencing for now he

would have kind of like a sun

and moon thing where like there's

there's the good side and then

like if something happens that

triggers him then he'll turn

all evil

i don't know i i think it's

more that when the cat in hat

was dealing with young children

you know they were young they

were innocent and the world

that taught the world over time

has become more corrupt yeah

and so therefore the the

kindness or the forces that

created him or brought him into

being

and so therefore the people

that have twisted have

corrupted with the change of

people and their cruelty

and social media and all of

that but i think at one point

there has to be a phone call

like they're trying desperately

to reach their parents at the

resort or whatever because

everything's going on so like

there's several times they try

to reach their parents all they're

not here or we can't you know

and they call at one point it's

like your parents

your parents unfortunately died

in a fiery car wreck there were

no survivors no one else will

get that yeah that's fine that's

fine they don't need to but and

i think the fish should the

fish come in play

now the fish is long dead you

know but it was a talking fish

it could live on top yeah it it

lived long enough

but what's what's the fish

gonna do so how do you defeat

the cat in the hat let's think

about this so we obviously i

mean obviously the most obvious

way to do it is to take off his

hat

but he's taking off his hat

without being i'm saying forcefully

take off his hat and tie you

have to take off his hat and

destroy it yeah it's not just

remove the hat you have to get

the hat and destroy it so you

can't destroy it through fire

it's gonna be

it's gonna be moving to that

okay that would be too easy

they have to what do they do to

destroy the hat then if you can't

burn it hmm if you can't burn

it maybe acid but where are you

gonna get acid in the house

chemical reactions i mean we

don't know what our mom did for

a living we don't know what our

parents did for a living i

think burning should still be

acceptable yeah i just feel

like it's easy i mean like if

they have cigarettes and stuff

though they're gonna have lighters

ah but like maybe again maybe

it's not that simple maybe you

have to burn it but you have to

burn it in a really cliche way

like they have to make some

kind of a rhyme

some kind of a rhyme in order

to do it or like they and how

do they figure out that though

do they overhear the cat

talking about the hat like

somebody knocks the hat off at

one point and like well here's

an idea if if all the things

are dolls maybe you could find

something on their tags that

hints to it okay like caution

not fling do not put near open

flame but it will have to rhyme

it somehow

if if if you wish for things to

tame place us near an open or

place us in an open flame or

something like that yeah but it's

also not it's just you have to

find a way to write them about

the rhyming right so we'd have

to we'd have to do that but

eventually they end up you know

they get the cat's hat the cat

is tracking them down he kills

like the next last person so

now it's just sally and

so now it's just sally and her

brother and they're desperately

trying to like get the hat i

had an idea on how they could

learn it yeah maybe it's not

amazing but like they they

start trying to burn it okay

and it's it's not working and

then one of the things comes

along and it's humming a little

rhyme and that's when the hat

starts catch on fire oh okay

before the thing rushes them

and then they kick it into the

fire as well yeah so you have

so you have but you have the

cat and you have the cat and he's

coming after sally she's

getting trying to get the hat

going and her brother is gonna

do what's necessary to like

save her so he's getting in the

way yeah he doesn't get killed

um and then the hat burns and

the cat's like no you know

typical i'm melting yeah i don't

know about that and there also

has to be a fake out at one

point too where they think they've

beaten him but they haven't

and it has nothing to do with

the hat at that point.

It's just they think they've

beaten him.

They've, you know, shot him or

they've poisoned him.

Also a cocktail.

Yeah, maybe they burned him.

And then from that point

forward, his fur is just, like,

singed.

Yeah.

Maybe he loses his whiskers.

Yeah.

He loses his whiskers.

His fur is, like, singed.

But, yeah, it's that story of

you get that fake-out moment

where you think,

oh, yeah, we've defeated him.

He's like, nah, I'm back, you

know.

And that's really where you get

into that stuff.

So what happens after that is

obviously the hat burns, the

cat disappears or catches on

fire,

like, properly this time from

the inside.

And there's a bright flash and

everything goes back to normal.

Yep.

So nobody is dead.

Their parents didn't die.

There was no party.

The parents come back early.

And it's actually the same

night.

They come back and they say, oh,

yeah, look, we forgot our

phones.

No, you've got to make it.

You've got to make it.

We forgot our mouse covered.

Three handles.

Family grandunzel.

Ah.

That would be funny.

That would be funny.

But I think it would be too

much of an in-joke.

Yeah.

But, you know, it's just one of

those typical, oh, yeah, like,

we forgot our phones.

But then, and Sally and her

brother look at each other,

kind of breathe a deep sigh of

relief.

And the camera pans over and

there, sitting on the couch, is

a little stuffed animal that

looks like one of the things.

And you hear the cats laugh.

The end.

Or you could just have, or you

could have them say, I'll be

back.

I'll be back.

Yeah.

It has to be.

More subtle.

Something more clever.

We don't want to.

But, yeah, I think, I think

that's a viable, you know.

So now we've answered the

question.

How is the cat in the hat evil?

Well, first of all.

I mean, aside from all of his

pre-existing crimes.

Aside from everything else, the

cat in the hat definitely could

be evil.

We could turn this into a

horror movie.

Easy.

Easy money as well.

Great idea, Kit.

This is a grand idea.

In Hollywood, this grand idea

could be yours.

For the low, low price, what is

it?

$500,000?

I would say at least $275,000.

Yeah.

At least $275,000 and 70% of

the gross?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's what we're up to

at this point.

So, Hollywood, if you like this

idea, you know how to reach us

the same way that anybody

else can reach us.

feedback@nontopical.com.

And if you like what you're

hearing, we do believe in value

for value.

What that means is if you get

value out of what we're hearing.

You can show us some value out

of what you're hearing by going

to Ko.

What is it, Dash Fi?

Ko-Fi.com/nontopical

Ko-Fi.com/nontopical

ko-fi.com/Nontopical.

Yes.

And any number is fine.

A one, a two, a five, or a

hypothetical.

That's eight.

$1,000.

We would take either.

Or whatever you want to give us.

We appreciate it.

We really do when people give

us a little bit of something

because it does take time

and energy to put this together.

And as you've heard in previous

episodes, sometimes technical

issues mean long, long editing

sessions

trying to figure out how to

clean up the audio.

So, anyway.

Well.

Happy spooky month.

What?

Happy spooky month.

Happy spooky month.

This is spooky season.

We hope that you have a good

time.

If you're not allergic to

peanut butter and you are able

to have chocolate, we wish you

all

peanut butter cups and no dum-dums.

And if you can't have peanut

butter, then we wish you all of

the candy that is your favorite.

And hopefully no raisins.

Yes.

Or dum-dums.

Or dum-dums.

I feel like raisins are worse

than dum-dums.

This is true.

Anyway.

That's all we have for this

episode.

Bye, everyone.

Bye.

Bye.