It's spooky month. It's spooky
month or at least it will be
when this releases and well so
this is
releasing if my math is correct
one week before Halloween it's
the Saturday before Halloween
even
though you know the Saturday
after Halloween would be closer
to Halloween that's not the
point we're
staying on schedule damn it.
Happy spooky time. It's a
spooky month. Spooky month or
spooky month
whatever you like to call it.
Happy spookiness. Happy episode
13 and yeah it just happened to
fall that
way. We didn't plan this. We
didn't plan episode 13 around
Halloween. Around Halloween it
just worked
out that way. You really think
that we're gonna plan that much
for this show? We're too lazy.
Yeah no that's
not gonna happen. We aren't
paid enough for this. But if
you do want to pay us go to
http://ko-fi.com/nontopical
And then maybe you'd
be paying us enough for this.
Yeah maybe. Maybe. So we're
coming upon the
spooky season. Time for me to
take out all of my favorite
horror films and watch them
back to back
back. We got the Evil Dead
series. Well and we've got the
Alien series. We've got Friday
the 13th. We've got
Nightmare on Elm Street. We've
got Hellraiser. Of course none
of these films are films you
could watch
so we'll have to stick with Tremors
and Tremors 2. And I guess The
Nightmare Before Christmas is a
Christmas movie. Well we can
watch that too. And Corpse Ride.
Witches Night Out which is an
animated feature
that we have a strange
amusement with. Meh. But yeah.
So however you choose to enjoy
spooky season or
if you are practicing of the
the the arts hopefully you'll
have a great Samhain if if you
are in fact
practicing. Or if you're
Christian or Catholic All Hallows
Eve All Saints Day All Souls
Day and all that.
Or if you're in Mexico or
Hispanic Dia de los Muertos.
Dia de los Muertos. Oh. Coco
and Book of Life. Those are
other movies we could watch.
Anyway. So yes. No matter how
you celebrate the spooky time
of year we hope that you do
celebrate and have a great time.
Yep. Hey. I thought of a great
way that we could celebrate. Oh
no.
With your favorite food. Cheese
case. There we go. I knew I
wanted to shoehorn that in. So.
Does that mean that we have to
shoehorn inflation in now? Well
that just happens naturally.
Yeah. Anyway. I had a
collection of Dr. Seuss classic
animated features on DVD. Yep.
And. Kit. In the
past and you know more recently
has brought up the fact that
there there is a great evil in
Dr. Seuss stuff. Shockingly.
And it's it's not the Grinch.
It's not the humans that kidnap
Horton. It's not the Lorax who
speaks for the trees. Nor the
one slur who cut down those
trees. It's not the dogs who
have parties up in the trees.
What? Go
all go yeah it's not the green
eggs and ham although those are
suspicious because they they
they're probably out of date it's
not the box and socks either
but the very mascot of dr seuss
himself the cat in the hat the
cat in the hat he's evil all
right now shall we explain i i
think we
need to explain this i i want
to i want people to understand
where you're coming from so i
did at
one point first of all i have
not to my knowledge shown kit
the live action cat in the hat
starring
mike myers at this point in
time at this point in time we're
recording this last month which
is which
is even more evil let's be
honest the mike myers cat in
the hat is disturbing yeah and
he only
did it because he was mandated
to by the courts yeah so we're
talking about the original
animated
cat in the hat yep and even the
book yep
so the premise is kids are home
by themselves yep on a rainy
day yep nothing better to do
yep
bored out of their friggin mind
they also have a talking fish i
think the talking fix
is more featured in the
animated feature but i think it's
mentioned in the book yes yeah
but and
cat in the hat shows up they
have hijinks cat in the hat
cleans everything up and leaves
before mom
gets home that's basically the
story yep now how do we get
from that to he's evil well you
see first of all
the cat in the hat comes in
uninvited which uh trespassing
second uh he's a cat i mean how
can you say no to such a cute
cat
cute uh for all we know he's a
skinwalker i mean he is kind of
terrifying if you think about
it you have like a six-foot cat
walking up to your door
uh what did they teach kids
back in the 60s or 70s i think
it was the 70s when that well
yeah 60s when the book was
written
yeah i think they they they
unfortunately like smart
children even though they open
the door for him or he let
himself in they they have them
leave and then he comes in
saying hey i left my three-pronged
family grudanza or whatever it's
called
your your three-hand of moss
covered family grudanza yeah
yes which by the way we may get
mixed up
between the the animated
feature and the book i don't
think it matters yeah so he he
says i left it in there
and obviously no one knows what
that is and they all think that
that's ridiculous and he still
comes right in he's not really
breaking and entering but he is
still trespassing
but how does that make him evil
like that's that's criminal i
mean and property damage i mean
that's that's also criminal he
does guilt trip the children
that's manipulative but he also
tortures the fish i mean who
hasn't tortured a fish in time
to time
he also brings in uh two stowaways
and we can presume that they
are not citizens of the united
states
so look you don't know if they
have a green card or not i mean
they are called things yeah but
they're good things
i mean that's debatable they
cause chaos they deface
property so they'd be perfect
for the government
okay now seriously why these
these things not just the
things of the of in terms of
the characters of things
but the things you are
mentioning the actions that the
cat in the hat took do not
necessarily prove evil
so where do you get where is
the line that demonstrates true
evality or evilness or ev
validity murder murder yeah all
this took a turn
i smell a movie coming so you
see judging by the new cat in
the hat movie trailer at least
it's newer at this time
yeah if you're listening to
this five years you know the
movie's been off for like three
years already or four years
already
either that or they ran out of
budget and got bought off by
disney
yeah it's possible oh my gosh
it's a cyber truck no talk
about evil uh yeah that's true
evil oh we've seen things that
should not be seen
you know i i bet you anything
that the cat in the hat was
driving that cyber truck yeah i
wouldn't doubt it not for a
moment
all right continue though now
uh based on this new movie
trailer the not only is the cat
in the hat
clearly part of his own nation
i mean i mean he has his own
world he has his own own world
that he's part of so
clearly he's part of some other
nation so but that doesn't mean
he's here deleted i mean
what do go on let's let's get
let's get to the real cat in
the hat as in the cat in the
hat when the cat in the
hat say for example goes out of
copyright well you see it's
very simple like cat in the hat
runs an
underground gang gang yes okay
but what does this gang do well
they spread how did he turn to
this this life of
cram well you see he was all
teaching his kids their abc's
and one two threes and how to
rhyme and have fun in the
the rain where do things go so
horribly wrong i mean first of
all he's teaching the kids how
to be
manipulated but you see
obviously the cat in the hat
has tons of things and he
spreads those things to
all the houses that he trespasses
upon and those things spy from
and if there's anyone anyone
that dare do
anything to say no to their
child the things go and they
tear out their throats but then
the cat the cat
in the hat doesn't really do
his own dirty work despite
having you know a magical hat
that he could
pull stuff out of magical crates
to store things in well i mean
that's just for all all the
ordinary children
but you see the the children
that the cat has visited
personally oh he keeps special
eye on those you see
not only that's that's not
creepy sounding at all not only
does he send as many things as
there are people
in that house but should the
parents do anything should the
parents leave the child alone
for too long
or should they leave them alone
for not long enough should they
say no to the child should they
say yes to
the child under certain
circumstances you see the cat
has his ways to make people
disappear
no evidence you see the things
are too dirty they leave too
much evidence behind so for
those cases the
cat must make them disappear
okay you know i like the
premise but obviously he does
this all over the
world after all he he speaks
many languages wait this is
this is not subtle enough let's
let's get into
us how hollywood we know that
you already love this hot
property we love that it's uh
you know something
that you're already making
another movie about so we're
gonna start the rate at a
hundred thousand
minimum and you know the our
standard five percent of the
gross proceeds from the film of
course that's
going to go up as we continue
to discuss this you already got
the free premise now we're
going to dive in
of course all right i think
your premise has merit first of
all can that is evil because i
mean he can
connect to all these different
extra-dimensional things he
clearly can you know shrink
things and
grow things and do all this
crazy stuff and there's there
this this is something that is
of another realm
yeah all right either that or
it's some kind of crazy
government experiment right one
of those two
that's always the explanation i
say what we do is we look at
the two original kids yeah but
they're
teenagers now yeah all right so
it's uh sally and i forgot what's
his face i think it's sally sally
and what's his face i forgot
his name but anyway nothing bad
has happened to their parents
or anything
should we call them sam and sally
uh it's easier to find bobby
and sally i don't know but you
know
they're of an age where they're
16 17 you know they're starting
to experience life they might
have
boyfriends or girlfriends or
whatever they're they're
getting on that sweet social
media they're having
some issues at school they're
having some issues fitting in
bobby and sally i'm not sure
but the
point is that they've they've
always kind of felt unease
since the cats visit when they
were young
you know they question whether
or not they just made it up as
a fun game
when mom was out they trashed
the house and put it back
together themselves
and there's really been no real
indicator that it happened
except for like just the
strange sense of
being watched when their
parents aren't at home and you
have to cut to you know the the
cat somewhere
in like some kind of nerve
center having either cameras or
like you said the things
sneaking into this
house yeah and there's one
weekend where mother and father
say hey kids you're old enough
where we can
leave you home alone don't go
crazy and throw a party or
anything we're gonna go out of
town and we're
gonna have a good time and that
is when the real action starts
i would also like to add
something to the cat's
character
go ahead so first of all he's
sound british most of the time
okay uh he also he also will
look friendly
he'll have like a kind of like
it will look like he has a
mustache like he's covered in
fur but like a
sticker he has to he has to
look friendly and evil yeah no
no you see he looks evil he
looks friendly to
begin with and then and then
and then if we make him angry
enough then then he changes he
becomes more evil
well in this case yeah what we
do is so because this is cliche
parents say you know be good
while we're out
yeah what's the first thing
they do don't be good they call
all their friends yeah and
their friends all show up
maybe there's some alcohol and
some some weed you know that
shows up you know and this is
this is going
to be a rager of a party they
might not get along with
everybody at school or it might
be slightly
outsiders because they're a
little bit off but nobody's
going to turn down a good party
and they do have some
friends so the party's raging
and all of a sudden sally's
cell phone rings hey you know
they're all bopping and jiving
and
drinking and drinking and you
know maybe she's grinding
against a guy who knows but her
phone rings and she
picks it up and it says unknown
number but she picks it up
anyway hello why didn't you
invite me
a party oh this will be fun a
party you know some kind of
rhyme yeah i'll be there
shortly
now sally's a little bit
freaked out and she uh you know
goes to her brother and you
know his her
brother's probably like in a
bedroom like starting to get on
with a with a girl and she's
banging on his
door he's like what i'm busy no
we need to talk now i got this
phone call he goes come on
it's somebody from school
playing a prank you know you
know it's easy to spoof or
block your caller id
it's easy to you know do a call
like that it's somebody from
school just being dumb yeah
and then at that point you know
it started raining at some
point because this is cliche
yeah she's like no you don't
understand it was him him who
the cat what do you the cat the
cat in the hat
thunder lightning power goes
out
everybody kind of like does a
quick scream and then like they
they turn on their cell phone
cameras
uh everybody starts like kind
of laughing how they freaked
out and stuff and the lights
come back on
yeah but the front door is open
and somebody's like well that's
weird and at this point
as people are doing naughty-ish
things they're slowly starting
to get picked off one by one so
this is where we we take the freddie
krueger corny campy line
approach
every time the cat in the hat
kills somebody he has to make
some kind of rhyme about it
yeah so if they're
they're doing drugs he has to
be he has to make a a rhyme
about how drugs will kill you
look if
it's somebody who is stealing
jewelry from sally's parents
bedroom it's a rhyme about
thieves and and such
and some of the deaths have to
obviously be supernatural
like maybe somebody eats like
half of a pizza by themselves
and then he makes them like
get huge and then blow along
yeah stuff like that and
obviously he uses the things to
go around and
knock people over also also the
things should look like dolls
yes creepy dolls yeah but they
move yeah
they just don't move when
people are looking directly at
them except like as you're
getting later in the film
where there's only like three
people left or four people left
yeah then then you start having
like
the dark hallways where you see
them running across and stuff
but the point is people get
picked off one by one
and sally and my brother slowly
start to realize that the cat
in the hat is in fact back
and that he wants to have all
sorts of fun with them he he
wants to play yeah for keeps i
i i i i kind of imagine
that uh referencing for now he
would have kind of like a sun
and moon thing where like there's
there's the good side and then
like if something happens that
triggers him then he'll turn
all evil
i don't know i i think it's
more that when the cat in hat
was dealing with young children
you know they were young they
were innocent and the world
that taught the world over time
has become more corrupt yeah
and so therefore the the
kindness or the forces that
created him or brought him into
being
and so therefore the people
that have twisted have
corrupted with the change of
people and their cruelty
and social media and all of
that but i think at one point
there has to be a phone call
like they're trying desperately
to reach their parents at the
resort or whatever because
everything's going on so like
there's several times they try
to reach their parents all they're
not here or we can't you know
and they call at one point it's
like your parents
your parents unfortunately died
in a fiery car wreck there were
no survivors no one else will
get that yeah that's fine that's
fine they don't need to but and
i think the fish should the
fish come in play
now the fish is long dead you
know but it was a talking fish
it could live on top yeah it it
lived long enough
but what's what's the fish
gonna do so how do you defeat
the cat in the hat let's think
about this so we obviously i
mean obviously the most obvious
way to do it is to take off his
hat
but he's taking off his hat
without being i'm saying forcefully
take off his hat and tie you
have to take off his hat and
destroy it yeah it's not just
remove the hat you have to get
the hat and destroy it so you
can't destroy it through fire
it's gonna be
it's gonna be moving to that
okay that would be too easy
they have to what do they do to
destroy the hat then if you can't
burn it hmm if you can't burn
it maybe acid but where are you
gonna get acid in the house
chemical reactions i mean we
don't know what our mom did for
a living we don't know what our
parents did for a living i
think burning should still be
acceptable yeah i just feel
like it's easy i mean like if
they have cigarettes and stuff
though they're gonna have lighters
ah but like maybe again maybe
it's not that simple maybe you
have to burn it but you have to
burn it in a really cliche way
like they have to make some
kind of a rhyme
some kind of a rhyme in order
to do it or like they and how
do they figure out that though
do they overhear the cat
talking about the hat like
somebody knocks the hat off at
one point and like well here's
an idea if if all the things
are dolls maybe you could find
something on their tags that
hints to it okay like caution
not fling do not put near open
flame but it will have to rhyme
it somehow
if if if you wish for things to
tame place us near an open or
place us in an open flame or
something like that yeah but it's
also not it's just you have to
find a way to write them about
the rhyming right so we'd have
to we'd have to do that but
eventually they end up you know
they get the cat's hat the cat
is tracking them down he kills
like the next last person so
now it's just sally and
so now it's just sally and her
brother and they're desperately
trying to like get the hat i
had an idea on how they could
learn it yeah maybe it's not
amazing but like they they
start trying to burn it okay
and it's it's not working and
then one of the things comes
along and it's humming a little
rhyme and that's when the hat
starts catch on fire oh okay
before the thing rushes them
and then they kick it into the
fire as well yeah so you have
so you have but you have the
cat and you have the cat and he's
coming after sally she's
getting trying to get the hat
going and her brother is gonna
do what's necessary to like
save her so he's getting in the
way yeah he doesn't get killed
um and then the hat burns and
the cat's like no you know
typical i'm melting yeah i don't
know about that and there also
has to be a fake out at one
point too where they think they've
beaten him but they haven't
and it has nothing to do with
the hat at that point.
It's just they think they've
beaten him.
They've, you know, shot him or
they've poisoned him.
Also a cocktail.
Yeah, maybe they burned him.
And then from that point
forward, his fur is just, like,
singed.
Yeah.
Maybe he loses his whiskers.
Yeah.
He loses his whiskers.
His fur is, like, singed.
But, yeah, it's that story of
you get that fake-out moment
where you think,
oh, yeah, we've defeated him.
He's like, nah, I'm back, you
know.
And that's really where you get
into that stuff.
So what happens after that is
obviously the hat burns, the
cat disappears or catches on
fire,
like, properly this time from
the inside.
And there's a bright flash and
everything goes back to normal.
Yep.
So nobody is dead.
Their parents didn't die.
There was no party.
The parents come back early.
And it's actually the same
night.
They come back and they say, oh,
yeah, look, we forgot our
phones.
No, you've got to make it.
You've got to make it.
We forgot our mouse covered.
Three handles.
Family grandunzel.
Ah.
That would be funny.
But I think it would be too
much of an in-joke.
Yeah.
But, you know, it's just one of
those typical, oh, yeah, like,
we forgot our phones.
But then, and Sally and her
brother look at each other,
kind of breathe a deep sigh of
relief.
And the camera pans over and
there, sitting on the couch, is
a little stuffed animal that
looks like one of the things.
And you hear the cats laugh.
The end.
Or you could just have, or you
could have them say, I'll be
back.
I'll be back.
Yeah.
It has to be.
More subtle.
Something more clever.
We don't want to.
But, yeah, I think, I think
that's a viable, you know.
So now we've answered the
question.
How is the cat in the hat evil?
Well, first of all.
I mean, aside from all of his
pre-existing crimes.
Aside from everything else, the
cat in the hat definitely could
be evil.
We could turn this into a
horror movie.
Easy.
Easy money as well.
Great idea, Kit.
This is a grand idea.
In Hollywood, this grand idea
could be yours.
For the low, low price, what is
it?
$500,000?
I would say at least $275,000.
Yeah.
At least $275,000 and 70% of
the gross?
Yeah.
Yeah, that's what we're up to
at this point.
So, Hollywood, if you like this
idea, you know how to reach us
the same way that anybody
else can reach us.
feedback@nontopical.com.
And if you like what you're
hearing, we do believe in value
for value.
What that means is if you get
value out of what we're hearing.
You can show us some value out
of what you're hearing by going
to Ko.
What is it, Dash Fi?
Ko-Fi.com/nontopical
ko-fi.com/Nontopical.
Yes.
And any number is fine.
A one, a two, a five, or a
hypothetical.
That's eight.
$1,000.
We would take either.
Or whatever you want to give us.
We appreciate it.
We really do when people give
us a little bit of something
because it does take time
and energy to put this together.
And as you've heard in previous
episodes, sometimes technical
issues mean long, long editing
sessions
trying to figure out how to
clean up the audio.
So, anyway.
Well.
Happy spooky month.
What?
Happy spooky month.
This is spooky season.
We hope that you have a good
time.
If you're not allergic to
peanut butter and you are able
to have chocolate, we wish you
all
peanut butter cups and no dum-dums.
And if you can't have peanut
butter, then we wish you all of
the candy that is your favorite.
And hopefully no raisins.
Yes.
Or dum-dums.
I feel like raisins are worse
than dum-dums.
This is true.
Anyway.
That's all we have for this
episode.
Bye, everyone.
Bye.