NT 008 - The George Lucas Severed Limb Museum

Hey everybody, Editor Chris

here. Just letting you know

that Kit's microphone for some

reason or

another did not work properly

during this recording. I've

done all I can to boost his

audio,

but we wanted to keep this

conversation and release it as

a podcast because it was still

an amusing concept that we came

up with. With that, enjoy the

show as much as you can.

Yeah, this is one of the nicer

days we've had this summer. I

mean, it's still a bit warm,

but it's not like as humid as

it was the past few weeks. I

actually feel like I can get

outside.

Now, don't you love the outside?

Maybe. We were on vacation

recently and we went to this

awesome store

and I'm going to say it is an

awesome store. They got some

pretty cool stuff there. They

make their

own fudge. Oh yeah. This is, it

was a great place. They've got

all like the gifts that you

would expect

for like a vacation area. So

they got like the keychains.

They got the t-shirts. They got

the magnets. They got squishy.

They got squishy potato cats.

Potato cats. Uh, stress ball

things. They got, they got ukuleles.

They got shells. They got

people things made out of

shells.

Yeah, those were kind of creepy,

not going to lie.

I mean, they had everything.

I mean, they had everything

from unique things that you

could say,

hey, you know what, like, I

will definitely remember this

place,

to, like, stuff like the super

spicy bean-boozled jelly bellies,

which take you, like, two weeks

to eat because they're actually

really spicy.

Surprisingly.

Surprisingly spicy.

Yeah, we made the mistake of

eating some of those in the car

on the way up.

It was not good.

Anyway.

Way back.

Yeah, on the way back.

So, but one thing they had that

nobody expected,

not me, not Kit, not the

friends I was there with,

nobody.

Not people thinking about what

they had.

Well, I mean, but you wouldn't

expect this.

We weren't really thinking

actively about what they would

have,

except for the fact that we

knew they had fudge, which is

delicious.

Anyway.

Anyway.

But one thing they had.

So I'm just walking along.

We're just walking along.

We're looking around.

Yep.

Oh, don't, don't do this.

We don't want to get a

copyright strike.

But anyway.

Nah, they can't hear it.

They can't hear it.

So.

I mean, you could go.

So.

Thank.

I walk by this shelf.

And it didn't hit me right away.

So we're walking to where the

shelves are.

Because this is near the beach.

And so they have a bunch of

shelves that are cataloged, the

specific types of shelves.

And some that are fake.

And some that are fake.

And so I passed the shelf.

And then, like, I sat there and

I thought about it.

I was like, huh.

So, like.

At first I thought that they

sold, like, a shark stuffed

animal.

That was kind of shoved into,

like, a little jar.

Maybe a plastic jar.

Whatever.

So that's all I thought at

first, the first time that I

saw this.

Like, and then I was like, wait

a minute.

That's a little odd.

Why would you have a stuffed

animal shark in a jar shape?

Like, I can understand being in

a little box.

I could understand it.

You know, being in some kind of

display case.

And so I went back to check it

out.

They were not stuffed animals.

I mean, yeah, they were.

No.

Technically.

No, they weren't stuffed.

They, they, so.

Well, they don't eat a lot.

They're in formaldehyde.

What we actually found.

Were literal dead baby sharks

in embalming fluid.

With lovely, lighted out eyes.

I mean, that's their eyes.

Yeah.

I, I was just.

I was like, no way.

Yeah, that's right.

No way.

There's no way this is, like.

So I actually picked up the jar.

I was like, this can't be real.

And then, like, I'm turning the

jar around.

And it's just, it's just

sitting there on the shelf.

$17.

$16.99 or $98.

Whatever it was.

That's cool.

Yeah, there were like six of

them.

And on the bottom of the jar,

in blue letters, it just says

shark.

That's.

That's it.

It just says shark.

Like, this is an everyday thing.

Hey, um, yeah.

So I noticed you sell fudge

here.

And you have t-shirts.

Do you happen to have sharks?

I've always wanted a shark in a

jar.

To put on my desk.

So that I can scare the crap

out of people who walk by.

Make for a great Halloween

decoration.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, that's just not

something you expect to see.

Now just imagine if they sold

adult sharks in jars.

I think that would be

problematic.

I mean.

But it begs the question, like.

What are the things in jars?

In terms of, like, animal

specimens?

Might people want to have?

And whose idea was it?

I'm not saying it's a bad idea.

Because we're obviously talking

about it.

And that was part of the reason

why my friends ended up going

to the store.

Besides the fact that they

wanted souvenirs.

And fudge.

Yeah.

Was that I told them.

This place.

Sells preserved baby sharks in

a jar.

And they're like, no.

And I'm like, here's the

picture.

So the marketing ploy worked.

But, like.

I mean, what.

What drives somebody to decide

that's something that they want

to sell?

Think about it this way.

We're efficient.

We could keep that in our home.

So we caught it.

This is true.

It would be a complete lie.

But, you know.

There I was.

Night fishing on the banks of

the Atlantic Ocean.

It was me and my buddy.

I was trying for striped bass.

And all of a sudden.

I felt a tug on my line.

Like nothing.

Nothing I've ever felt before.

This thing was hauling.

I thought maybe.

Maybe this is like a 15, 20

pound fish.

Maybe it's a 45.

Maybe it's a 100 pound fish.

I don't know.

But this thing is booking it.

And I sat there and fought that

fish.

For hours.

And just as the sun started

coming up over the horizon.

It finally got tired.

And I discovered it wasn't no

normal fish.

It was a shark.

A baby shark.

So I went to get my hook out of

its mouth.

And let me tell you.

That baby shark bit my finger

off.

Like the grandfather like lost

his finger in some like stupid

accident.

Like he was just trying to cut

something.

In his wood shop.

And had actually cut his finger

off.

And uses the baby shark as like

a scapegoat.

Then Grandma Wanderson.

Oh you hush up.

You big old liar.

You bought that shark at a

store on the coast.

Dang it woman.

I told you never to ruin my

stories.

But I don't know.

It's like.

Somebody thought that was a

good idea.

I mean clearly we're talking

about it.

It works.

But somebody thought it was a

good idea.

So like.

What other thing.

If you saw it in a glass jar.

For sale at a curio shop of

some kind.

Would.

Potentially draw your attention.

As much as.

A baby shark.

Picture of Jeff Gordon.

In a jar.

From out of hot.

What?

Yeah.

What in a jar?

A picture of Jeff Gordon.

In a jar from out of hot.

You wouldn't expect to see that.

It's true.

I mean like.

What other crazy things though.

So like.

I'd get an axolotl in a jar.

Yeah.

Poor axolotl.

They're cute.

Yeah.

But if it's dead.

Yeah.

But if it died of natural

causes.

No.

You should.

You should have an axolotl in a

bucket.

Why in a bucket.

Mine.

Crap.

Oh.

Yeah.

Boo.

You know what like.

Like.

What else though.

Like.

If you saw it in a jar.

You would be like.

That's worth talking about.

I mean.

A human hand or human fingers

are always good.

I mean.

That's creepy.

Especially like.

If you're George.

That'd be a large jar.

But it could work.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Or it could be a baby alligator.

That'd still be a pretty large

jar.

Like.

That'd be like.

Probably a half gallon jar.

At least.

You know.

All we gotta do.

I figured it out.

Well.

That's been done.

Not a real alien.

Probably.

To our knowledge.

Here's what we gotta do.

I figured out.

The ultimate.

Money making scheme.

You ready for this?

Okay.

You figure out where George

Lucas lives.

And.

And you buy like.

A random shack.

That's been abandoned.

Up the road.

Now.

He obviously lives in

California.

So.

You'd have to have at least

like.

Two million dollars.

To pull this off.

Because a random shack.

In Marin County.

California.

Is going to be really expensive.

But.

You buy this random shack.

You fix it up.

You turn it into a curio shop.

And do you know what you have.

You have.

Nothing but paws.

And hands.

In jars.

Like.

You know.

You have a monkey paw.

You have.

You have like.

You know.

Of course.

All these animals.

Would have died from natural

causes.

But.

Like you have alligator.

Like stumps.

You got.

You got monkey stumps.

You got.

You got cat stumps.

Dog stumps.

Human stumps.

Like.

You know.

Human hands.

Everything.

And you rotate the stuff that

you have.

You know.

On a regular basis.

So.

So like.

Over time.

You get more and more exotic

animals.

Like cheetahs.

And lions.

You know.

Again.

Lions that died at the zoo.

Naturally.

Okay.

We can't get poached lions.

That's just terrible.

Poaching.

Large gang.

Is just terrible.

But.

And then.

You know.

Every so often.

He stumbles into your store.

Your store.

And you go.

Oh.

Hey.

George.

It's good to see you.

Is there anything I can help

you with today?

Like.

Of course.

You have some Star Wars

merchandise.

Because you're near Skywalker

Ranch.

You know.

You have some.

You have some other Hollywood

memorabilia.

Because you're in the area.

But.

It's that one shelf of random.

Embalmed stuff.

That keeps George Lucas coming

in.

Hey.

George.

How's it going?

What have you been up to?

Oh.

I've just been spending time

with my grandkids.

You know.

Working on little.

Independent films.

That no one will ever see.

Are you still sore about that

Disney deal?

Oh.

It is what it is.

I got four billion dollars.

I think I'm good.

Okay.

What do you got for me today?

Well.

We just got a shipment of some

new specimens.

We'd like you to take a look at.

Oh.

Really?

Yeah.

So we got.

We got a pig hoof here.

We've got an axolotl flipper or

whatever they have.

Webbed foot.

We got.

Now this one's a little bit

interesting, George.

This one's got a story behind

it.

Because you know.

These are hard to get a hold of

without getting injured.

See that right there?

That is the webbed back foot of

a duck-billed platypus.

Now luckily this one got hit by

a car.

But you got to appreciate the

fact that that thing still has

the poison barb on the back of

it.

Oh really?

That's.

That's amazing.

I think that would be a

wonderful thing to add to my

collection.

How.

How much is it?

Well George.

Normally we would charge a

little bit more.

But for you.

It's 20 bucks.

And if you'd like.

We could take it out of the embalming

fluid.

And take a lighter and singe

the end of it.

To make it look like it

happened.

By lightsaber.

Oh that would be lovely.

You see.

This is a genius idea.

I mean until George Lucas dies.

But by then like you've endeared

yourself enough to him that

like.

Don't worry.

But once the actual George

Lucas fans take over the Star

Wars section of Disney.

There will be a man in the shop.

Yeah I mean that could be.

Or you know it could be that.

You know in his will.

You know because you got to

figure.

He's got at least another like

15-20 years in him right.

Like he's in his.

Isn't he in his like late 70s

early 80s.

So he's got at least 10 years

in him.

So maybe before he dies.

He comes by the shop and he

says.

Hey.

Look.

I'm starting to get old.

I'm starting to get really sick.

They don't think I'm going to

be around much longer.

But you know thanks to you.

I have amassed a very large

collection of preserved hands.

In addition to the ones that I've

obtained through other means.

At which point you kind of look

a little bit skeeved out.

But still.

And hey.

I'm going to leave.

A few million dollars in my

will.

For you guys.

Because you helped me with this

collection.

And I want you to start.

The George Lucas Severed Limb

Museum.

An endowment fund.

It'll be there to display my

collection of severed limbs.

And to educate people.

About why severed limbs are so

important to the world.

You can have like exhibits

about historical figures.

Who had parts of their body cut

off in battle.

And yet went on to live amazing

lives.

And we go.

You know George.

That's.

That.

That's extremely nice.

We.

We would be honored.

To.

To head up this.

This facility for you.

But I.

We.

We have one request.

Anything.

Anything.

Do you think we could get a maquette.

Of Jar Jar Binks head.

And.

And.

Put it into.

Some formaldehyde.

You know.

Just for.

Just for our own.

You know the fans want this

George.

They've been wanting this for

years.

I'll see what I can do.

Two days later.

The studio is unmarked package.

Unmarked package.

Like.

No return address.

Just shows up.

And it's a perfect square.

It's about.

Two foot by two foot by two

foot.

You cut it open.

And you're able to buy the flappy

ears.

Or whatever they are.

Lift up the Jar Jar head.

Aw George.

You came through for us.

We love you.

And there you go.

And there you go.

That's.

That's how you make money.

That's how we can.

We can make money.

By selling severed limbs.

And Harry Potter fans too.

You know they're obsessed with

hands.

Because like Harry had a thing.

Like with a couple different.

In the books at least.

Or a couple different

situations.

With hands.

And us.

And rings.

Yeah.

You see.

Like.

You know.

If they weren't already married.

Or whatever.

Maybe George Lucas.

And JK Rowling.

Would be perfect for each other.

I mean.

They're both like.

Insanely rich.

They both.

At one time or another.

Had control over like.

Huge franchises.

Worth millions.

If not billions.

Of dollars.

They both have artistic vision.

That may or may not.

Have been compromised.

Over time.

They both have made.

Unpopular.

Statements or decisions.

At some time.

Or another.

You see.

It.

All you got to do.

Is like.

Have creepier creatures.

Like.

That have hands.

I don't know what creatures.

Would be creepy.

But you know.

To fit the Harry Potter vibe.

Like.

You'd have to like.

Go to like.

You know.

Colleges.

That receive dead bodies.

For research purposes.

And like.

You have like.

This severed.

Like.

Gnarled.

Arthritic hand.

With like.

Nails.

That are like.

Two inches long.

That would get some money.

Oh.

Oh.

Like a vulture.

Or Ravenclaw.

Ravenclaw.

Oh.

Oh.

That was unintentional.

On my part.

But it works.

You know.

This could be the ultimate.

This could be the ultimate.

For Harry Potter.

And.

You know.

Star Wars fans.

I think this is a great idea.

Do you have anything to add sir?

Besides cheese quesadilla.

Are we going to have anything

up with any of these?

No.

Are we going to have any of

these?

But...

Yeah, Count Dooku gets his head

shot down.

Yeah, but...

He cuts off his own head in the

frame sequence.

I've thought of it. This is

brilliant.

We get replicas only of C-3PO's

arms.

And we... Let me finish. We

mount them on the wall with a

plaque that reads,

"He was so happy that he

finally won."

You know, we could do a replica

of, like, the creepy...

We could do a couple of replicas.

Like, we could do one of, like,

the creepy, like, Skeletor hand

of Anakin

before they had good technology.

We could have a replica of,

like, Lieutenant Commander Data's

hand,

which always can, like, be

twisted off and removed from

Star Trek.

We could have a replica of Luke's

hand from, like, after he takes

the blaster bolt to the back of

it.

And you could see all the

mechanics inside.

So, yeah, we could have some

fun with it.

Count Dooku's hands, because

both get sliced off.

And what we'll do is, they won't

be severed, per se, but we do a

mock-up.

That's like a little bit of an

exhibit of Emperor Palpatine's

hands, like, in the lightning

zap position.

"You shall pay for your lack of

vision."

And then you just, like, have

it making, like, sparking sound

effects and stuff when people

walk by.

And then, like, it's brilliant.

It's brilliant.

Absolutely brilliant.

And then all this becomes a

museum when George Lucas dies,

because he's gonna, you know,

want that in his will.

And we put him an exhibit in

California, where, like, it's

expensive to live, but people

pay a lot of money.

And the coup de grace, the

icing on top, is that George

Lucas, in his final endowment

to the Severed Limbs Museum and

Collection,

will donate his own severed

hands when he dies.

It doesn't get much better than

that.

Well, I mean, like, he says the

severed hands, the severed body,

but...

No, no, no, we have to be, we

have to be honorable.

If he's, if he's paying for

this, we gotta be honorable.

Yeah.

The hands that wrought Star

Wars.

I think this is a workable plan.

Uh...

I'm just saying it's a workable

plan for someone.

Unless, of course, somebody who's

listening right now is getting

a good amount of value for the

show and wants to donate us the

$2 million we need to get

started.

If you want to do that, it's ko-fi.com/non-topical.

And we'll accept whatever value

you get from the show.

If you get value in, like, the

form of a dollar, $5, $10, we'd

be very grateful for that.

If you want to give us a

hypothetical $1,000 or a

hypothetical $2 million that we

need to get this store opened,

then please do so.

If you think this idea is also

crazy enough to work, please

let us know by emailing

feedback@nontopical.com so that

we can hear your opinion about

the severed limb curio shop

that later becomes the George

Lucas Memorial Severed Limb

Museum.

So, yeah, definitely let us

know. We'd be happy to hear

what your opinions are.

Alright, everybody, thanks for

listening. We'll catch you next

Bye!

Bye!