NT 007 - Aliens

*music*

So yeah, we're a week late.

*makes noise*

Uh, but we were on vacation, so

we're justified.

*makes noise*

That's all you have to say for

yourself?

Oh no, I-I gave him a door.

Cheese quesadilla.

You know what?

Somebody is going to try to

send us a cheese quesadilla at

some point.

They're gonna be like, "What's

your mailing address? We want

to send you a cheese quesadilla."

Maybe it's a hypothetical $1,000

cheese quesadilla.

What would be in a hypothetical

$1,000 cheese quesadilla?

The most expensive stinky cheeses.

And-and probably gold leaf.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then there'd probably just

be like a diamond that you-like

is on top just as decoration

that you pick off.

*makes noise*

You know, cause obviously you

can't eat diamond.

At least it would not be

intelligent for somebody to try

to eat diamond unless they

wanted to lose all their teeth.

Which brings us full circle to,

uh, you know, around when we

started this podcast.

So anyway, uh, yeah, we're on

vacation and I-I drew some

inspiration from some things

that we saw on vacation.

First was Alien Java.

*laughs*

Which was an interesting coffee

place.

Um, very crowded and it has

like three businesses in it

that all managed to survive in

the same space.

So it's a coffee house. Like,

they sell books and like

spiritual stuff. And then they

also sell jewelry.

Yeah.

It's interesting.

And they had a Pac-Man machine.

And then when we left, we saw

the coolest UAP ever at like 5:15

in the morning.

Except, uh, it wasn't- it was

only a UAP until I pulled up

the internet when we got back

and-and discovered what it

really was.

And I had a theory what it was

and it was a rocket launch.

We got to see a rocket launch.

It was- it was definitely

creepy though, because we- we

had a hard time leaving for a

variety of reasons we won't get

into.

But, yeah, yeah, okay, anyway.

Uh, but we got outside and I

happened to look up and I'm

like, "What the hell is that?"

And we were just kind of

staring at this thing. I got a

few pictures of it. But, um-

We got pictures of a real life

alien UFO.

Well, no, now it's identified.

We- we know that it was-

Nah, they don't have to know

that. You just cut that part

out.

So anyway. So speaking of UAP,

UFO, um, you know, we've-

We've hinted at discussing this

topic in the past and really

haven't taken the time that it

properly deserves. So-

Aliens. Aliens. Aliens. Real

aliens. As in from off the

world. What do you think about

aliens, sir?

I think that they are alien.

Okay. Uh, and that we probably

have no idea what they look

like and we're

probably completely off. Okay.

That right there is exactly

where my brain was starting to

go. I'm

surprised we're on the same

wavelength as this. I think

that it is- first of all, like,

so have you heard of

something called the Drake

equation? No. Okay. So the

Drake equation is, uh, this

idea of a set of

variables that need to- that

you could use if you knew in

order to calculate the amount

of

intelligent civilizations that

could communicate by radio,

basically. By ways that we can

detect.

Because still a lot of stuff

goes over radio. Uh, that's

really the only way, like, and-

and until we

discover some kind of subspace

communication, it's all radio.

So it's like the planet has to

be of a

certain- so first of all, how

many stars have planets? How

many of those planets have life?

How many of those

planets have life that's

intelligent? How, uh, how many

planets have intelligent life

that have developed

radio communication? How long

do they on average establish

radio communication? Because it

kind of

goes up and down. Like, right

now, our radio communication

amount is going down. So all of

that

stuff goes into the Drake

equation. But I'm inclined to

agree with you that we tend to

like- like, we're

narcissists here. Yeah. Let's

be honest. Let's be honest. We

like to make ugly aliens. Yeah,

like,

we're- we're narcissists. Not

just that we want to make ugly

aliens, but think about it.

Like, if you

think about alien designs in

movies, they tend to have arms.

They tend to have legs. They

tend to walk in

an upright mode like we do. Or-

or have tentacles. Yeah, but

that's- that's an outlier. I

mean, for the most

part, like, you watch Men in

Black, the majority of the

aliens are upright and walking

around.

Yeah. You watch the X-Files.

The majority of the aliens are

like your stereotypical grays.

Uh, you know, that they have

the big bulbous heads and they

got the big eyes and all that.

Yeah. Oh, okay.

Um, and then, you know, you do

have some aliens that are a

little bit different in some

horror films and

stuff like that. But really-

Like aliens. Like- we're really

narcissistic. Now, you could

argue, well,

intelligent life would have to

grow in a gravity similar to

our planet. Well, that's not

necessarily

true. Yeah. Hey, dolphins are

intelligent. Well, and we

constantly downplay their

intelligence. Yeah,

we take it for granted that we

are the smartest thing on this

planet because we've built

civilizations and we've

been able to- But- And then

there's the one dinosaur that's

living underground. We- we live

on the land.

Like, and we have opposable

thumbs.

Like, dolphins and whales might

be exceedingly smart and

intelligent, but they haven't,

like, what are you going to do?

Like, learn to use tools and

make iron under the water?

That's not going to happen.

Like, so, I don't know.

I tend to think that, one, we

underestimate the intelligence

of certain creatures on the

planet.

And don't get me wrong, like,

there are some people that like

to deify animals and make them

out to be, like, all the

animals are, like, are of equal

intelligence and emotional

intelligence to us.

I don't know about that.

I mean, don't get me wrong,

cats and dogs definitely have

some level of emotional

intelligence.

I don't think a snail does,

though.

Yeah, I don't think a snail has

that much emotional

intelligence.

I don't think the average fish

has that much emotional

intelligence.

I really don't.

I mean, fish are more

intelligent than we give them

credit for as well, though.

Yeah, they are, but tiny, teeny,

teeny, tiny brain.

So, I think that because we

tend to want to view alien life

through the lens of, well, it's

got to look like us.

It has to.

Versus like, and there have

been some shows that go outside

of this lane.

Like, you look at Star Trek.

You look at, what was it, Farscape,

where sometimes the intelligent

life is like an electric cloud.

That's the form that's the form

that's the form that's the form

that the life takes.

That's the size of a spaceship

that you could beam into.

You know?

So, there are definitely

situations like that.

There's another alien variation

that is also used sometimes.

Okay.

It's just like the really tiny

floating thing that built a

mechanical suit around itself.

Yeah.

Those show up sometime.

Yeah.

So, I don't think, I'm inclined

to agree with you, I don't

think alien life, even

intelligent alien life that

could communicate with us,

necessarily looks like we will

expect it to look.

There could already be aliens

on this planet, and we wouldn't

even know axolotls are aliens.

It's true.

I mean, there's no reason not

to believe it, except for the

fossil record.

But, you know, but that's

another good point.

Like, there could be some off-world

life that's living here on the

planet and just kind of keeping

tabs on us.

And for good reason.

I mean, look at us.

We fight over anything.

And everything.

And we lie about so much.

Like, the governments lie.

The religions lie.

Everything is like...

And, you know, we're still,

despite the fact that, you know,

we've signed anti-proliferation

treaties, and we've scaled back

the production of nuclear

weapons, and we highly, you

know, regulate what countries

are allowed to have nuclear

weapons.

And really, when push comes to

shove, it only takes one crisis

for that button to get pushed

by someone.

And then we're all dead.

Yeah.

Because then...

I don't think the aliens would

come to our planet.

The method of protecting

ourselves in regards to nuclear

stuff is called mutually

assured destruction.

Yeah.

It's everyone who has nukes has

enough nukes to where even if

only one gets fired by one

country, everyone's going to

basically be able to destroy

each other.

Yeah.

It's a wonderful plan.

Hey, somebody fired a nuke.

Let's just take out the whole

planet.

Yep.

Sounds like a great idea.

So, um, I can understand aliens

being concerned.

Because nuclear power might be,

like, one step lower.

Like, nuclear explosions might

be one step lower than whatever,

like, the next evolution is.

The next jump.

We don't know what it is.

But, like, it's one thing, like,

alright, a nuke and the

consequences of nukes will

destroy life here.

But that's one step before we'd

be able to...

Imagine we find a middle matter

that's not matter or anti-matter

and it can contain both.

Yeah.

Then we'd have some real

problems.

Yeah, because, you see, if I'm

an alien and I have an advanced

culture off of this planet,

like, light years away, and I'm

just watching, I don't really

care if these people blow

themselves up.

Because that doesn't affect me.

And they're clearly not

intelligent enough to get far

enough into space to bother me.

But if we go whatever the next

level of energy or the next

level of technology is beyond

that, oh, well, now it could

potentially nuke the whole

solar system or whatever the

equivalent is.

It wouldn't be a nuke.

But we'll call it a space nuke,

okay?

So, we developed space nukes.

Space nukes.

Well, they wouldn't be called

space nukes, but I'm calling

them space nukes in that they're

the equivalent destructive

power that we can imagine of a

nuclear weapon.

But, like, an order of

magnitude that's, like,

millions of times larger.

I feel like the next type of

energy we should be trying to

get our hands on is anti-matter.

It's near impossible to do, but

if you do it, you get a lot of

energy.

You also...

How do you contain...

I said it'd be really funny if

there was a middle matter that

can contain matter and anti-matter.

Yeah.

And if we found that, if we

made it or found it, then we'd

be unstoppable, except that

there's going to be another

book tier of physics.

But back to my point.

The point is that I think if

there is any alien life on the

planet, first of all, very good

at hiding.

Second of all, whether or not

it's involved with the

government and the hypothetical

theory of the lizard people,

which I'm not going to get into

because that's way too large of

a conspiracy theory to deal

with in this.

But I think they'd just be

chilling and watching what we're

doing.

Maybe they would find a human-like

disguise to come out.

Or, you know, they're just

hiding in plain sight and look

like an insect.

I mean, that could be too.

I mean, or it could all be

drones.

It could all be mechanical

things that are coming to

explore the planet on behalf of,

like, other species far away

because they don't want to risk

being hurt themselves.

And especially given, you know,

the attitude of us towards

things that we don't know or

understand generally being, we'll

blow that up.

Or enslave it.

Or enslave it.

Or torture it to make it give

us its technological secrets.

I don't think that they would

want to send themselves here.

Maybe they would say, send

drones.

So...

And then we'll blow that one up.

Yeah, then we'll blow the

drones up and the aliens will

be like, oh, well, that's some

more drones that were lost.

So, yeah, I don't know what to

make of it.

Like, as a kid, I used to be

really into the X-Files, which

I love.

I still love the show.

But I'm not, like, that level

of believer of, like, alien

contact.

I'm...

I still like the phrase, I want

to believe.

And what I mean by that is that

I'm skeptical at this point.

Maybe not entirely skeptical.

Like, maybe not, like, discount

everything as always having

some kind of explanation.

But being at least willing to

say, not every bright thing I

see in the sky is a UAP or UFO.

And not every report that I see

or hear is actually real.

Especially with digital

manipulation being... and

visual effects being what they

are.

Damn.

And that's part of the reason

why, when we were looking up

that morning, and I see this

bright thing in the sky, I'm

like, by our current

understanding of what this

thing is, it's an unidentified

aerial phenomena.

So it is a UAP.

But I'm pretty sure that's a

rocket or a meteor or something.

And my instinct on rocket was

based upon seeing pictures of,

like, from NASA, how the plumes

come off of it.

And it was also kind of going

in a straight line.

Yeah.

You know, so...

But I don't know.

I'm of the belief that there's

something else out there

somewhere.

And maybe it came here.

Maybe it is here.

Maybe it's not.

Maybe there's all sorts of

things that have visited here.

I do not discount any of that.

I just believe that 90% of what

you hear, especially when the

government gets involved, is

complete and utter bullshit.

How about you?

Where do you stand?

About what?

About where you stand on the

belief of intelligent life

contacting us, being within

contacting range.

Well, I think we all know that

the only time they're going to

contact us is when they have to

clear the space for a new hyperspace

bypass.

Thanks.

Hitchhiker's Guide to the

Galaxy.

Great book.

Okay.

Anyway.

I don't know.

It would be nice if, you know,

there was such a thing as, like,

the Star Trek idea of the

United Federation of Planets.

We're like...

And then we get left out of it.

Well, we're getting left out of

it because we're either not

technologically mature enough

or we're not mature enough as a

society in general.

Oh, I would go with the latter

first.

Oh, definitely.

I mean, the fact that we have

people who make it their

purpose in life just to go

online and upset other people,

that's a pretty, like, toxic

thing if you look at it

objectively.

Well, you've got to remember

that every single world leader's

job is to go out there and lie

to millions of people.

Yeah, for the most part.

I mean, like, what does that

say about our society?

Uh, it says we suck.

We don't even get along with

each other.

Like, we don't even, like,

operate as, like, one peoples.

And that's not to say that I

want to get rid of cultural

distinctions.

It's to say, though, that, like,

we can't function in peace as

an overall world.

Yeah.

Like, I'm not talking, like,

minor conflicts between, like,

two tribal, like, groups in the

middle of nowhere in the jungle

or in the desert.

I'm saying, like, multi-trillion

dollar wars using lots of

expensive equipment that the

United States happens to make

most of.

I'm just saying war is our

greatest export.

And until we get to the point

where war is not an export and

war is not the standard way of

getting resources, even if it's

an underhanded brower, like, we're

not going to achieve what we

need to emotionally,

intellectually, or societally.

And certainly not technologically,

to where any alien species

would want anything the hell to

do with us.

If they exist.

If they exist.

Which, again, laws of

probability are with us on

existence of other intelligent

life.

Or we're all in a snow globe.

An alien snow globe.

So we're breathing water with

snowflakes in it right now?

Yes.

Oxygen is water.

Are you saying oxygen is a myth,

sir?

No, air is liquid and liquid is

air.

I mean, fluid dynamics do play

a key part in, like,

atmospheric conditions and

predicting stuff.

Like, no, this is true.

Like, the operation of water is

very similar to the operation

of air.

Yeah, I know.

That's why we're all in a giant

snow globe.

So what happens if we get shook?

And who's doing the shaking?

It might be like an electric shaker.

Like, you push a button.

It's an alien snow globe, you

know?

It might be different from what

we think of as a snow globe.

But you want to know what I

think would happen?

What?

It would make all the

politicians angry and make them

start a world war.

That's what pushing the button

for the snow globe does.

really, what you're saying is a

nuclear war on Earth would be

like a tiny little fireworks

display for the aliens in

charge of the snow globe.

Yeah.

So, like, and maybe the time

doesn't work the same.

So, like, for us, like, it's,

you know, like, it's been, like,

hundreds of millions of years

that the Earth has existed.

For them, it's been, like, you

know, five minutes.

And then they're going to shake

it, and then the nukes go off,

and then they just wait again.

Yeah.

For the Earth to populate

itself.

Yeah.

And then every single alternate

universe is just another snow

globe.

From the factory.

Oh, no, not the factory.

Oh, no.

From the alien snow globe

factory.

No, just the factory.

Look up SCP, the factory.

It's an interesting, uh,

interesting, uh, company.

No.

That works on an interdimensional

level.

Thank you to the SCP Foundation

for your documentation of this

anomalous thing.

Um, if you don't know what the

SCP Foundation is, please, by

all means, look up, by all

means, look up the SCP

Foundation.

And just be warned.

Not all SCPs are suitable for

all audiences, and some are, in

fact, very, very disturbing.

You have been warned.

Yay.

Yay.

Yay.

So, your running theory of the

world right now is that we are

inside the alien equivalent of

a snow globe.

No, I was just saying that'd be

funny.

Oh.

Yeah, it would.

Yeah, it would.

Yeah, it would be amusing.

I also wonder, like, what first

contact would be like.

Like, how, what's the most

intelligent way for a species

that might look like a blob to

us and not speak or understand

our language at all?

How do you learn to communicate?

How do you learn to communicate?

And, like, to say, first of all,

I'm peaceful.

Second of all, I'm not just a

slime mold.

I'm intelligent.

And third, to then begin to

have, like, actual

conversations without, you know,

the world destroying itself

because aliens.

You could draw.

I'm saying as a larger rule,

like, okay, you, you, first of

all, a slime creature might not

be able to draw, might not have

hands.

You're, you're being very human

normative.

If it's a slime, then it could,

like, it could, like, have, it

could stick something in itself,

right?

You don't know that sticking

something in it might, like,

break the cytoplastic wall or

whatever the equivalent is.

And then it just spews out and

you kill it.

How much technology does the

slime have?

Look, like, clearly enough

technology to get to Earth.

Well, then surely it must have

some kind of lights that it

could use to communicate.

What if it operates on a

certain type of electromagnetic

spectrum that we can't yet

perceive?

Well, that's our own fault.

You see, this is, like, this is

where first contact situations

cause such a big issue.

One, obviously it'll scare the

crap out of the public to

realize that, oh, aliens are

real.

Which is probably why the

government hasn't told us that

aliens are real.

I guarantee you they know.

No, I'm kidding.

Slightly.

I'm mostly kidding.

I don't think there's a grand

conspiracy between aliens and

the governments and all this

stuff.

Maybe there is.

I mean, I wouldn't find it hard

to believe.

Because, like, what would you

do?

You would go to the power

structure in order to, like,

but then the power structure

would want to retain power.

And obviously interplanetary

communication and collaboration

wouldn't allow them to retain

their power.

Because now we've got to deal

with other politicians from

other planets.

And who knows what the hell

they're like?

You know?

But no, I always just wonder,

like, what happens with first

contact?

Like, is first contact, like,

the alien abduction stories of,

like, people getting abducted

and weird stuff happening?

How do you know that first

contact hasn't already happened?

I'm not saying it hasn't.

I don't know.

You see, like, but there's so

much secrecy around the topic.

Because, one, we don't want our

enemies to know our methods and

capabilities in terms of

military.

But we also don't want them to

know our weaknesses.

So it's like, oh, hey, we have

all these unidentified things.

Well, if we're admitting to the

world these are things we can't

identify with our technology.

And it turns out a bunch of

that stuff is actually stuff

sent out by our enemies.

Then we're telling our enemies

we don't know how to detect

their shit.

And that's not good.

But it also means that if there

were any actual first contact

activities that happened

between alien civilizations and

governments.

You would be in a situation

that those governments would be

very, very protective of that.

And we would never find out.

Like, there are so many people

online that are like, oh,

disclosure's coming.

They're going to give us the

real information, finally.

Like, there is nothing that

leads me to believe that.

Like, even if something like

that was happening.

They can't even get their own

story straight about, like, the

nature of UAPs and the history

of us covering them up.

Like, there are clear facts in

a historical record about, like,

different things they

intentionally covered up.

Different stuff tied to unidentified

stuff.

And they're like, no.

Like, that was legitimate

research.

It happened.

And you go, but there's

documentation that refutes what

you're saying.

Yeah, but this is the narrative

we're going with.

Okay.

Thanks.

So, yeah.

Like, am I inclined to believe

first contact has happened

already and that, like, there's

a big conspiracy?

I don't know.

I don't know if there's enough

proof in any of the records to

give credence to that, at least

at this point in time.

And that's being as objective

as I can be.

Believe me, I would love if

some of the crazy stories that

some of the whistleblowers have

said were true and we were able

to, like, I would love if there

was a UFO the size of multiple

football fields just hiding

under a building in the middle

of Europe somewhere.

Or in South America.

I would love if that was true.

But, eh, proof.

And there isn't any.

So, I think the big question,

though, is, again, like, first

contact, like, so you're Joe

Human.

Hi, Joe.

Hi, Bob.

Yeah.

So, we're Joe and Bob.

And to be as stupid as possible,

we, the wonderful, hyper-intelligent

Joe and Bob, decide we're going

to go fishing.

Yeah.

And we're going to have some

beer.

Yeah.

Because, and this is something

we talked about when we were on

vacation.

The most standard situation, or

stereotypical, I won't say this

is actually the most normative

way that this happens.

But the most stereotypical way

that people run into aliens is

they're out fishing and getting

drunk.

And then they see something.

Or they're out fishing.

Maybe they're not drunk.

And they see something.

Or something does something to

them.

So, you and I are Joe and Bob.

And this craft that maybe it

looks like a box.

Maybe it looks like a rectangle.

Maybe it looks like a sphere.

Maybe it looks like something.

We don't really know.

But some kind of thing lands in

front of us.

It's clearly not something we

can identify.

It's not a helicopter.

It's not a drone.

It's none of that stuff that

you would identify as being

human-made.

Maybe it is.

Maybe it's some top-secret

government thing messing with

you.

But to all intents and purposes,

this is something you do not

recognize.

It drops to the ground in front

of you.

Some kind of hatch or door

opens up.

And time and space around it is

not distorting in such a way to

lead you to believe that the

atmosphere or environment

inside the ship would be

destructive to the world as we

know it.

And time and space and physics

and all that.

And so you walk up to it and

you see some kind of creature

that is indescribable to normal

thought.

Maybe you can describe it, but

it's not like your typical

alien that you would think of.

Maybe it doesn't have a mouth.

Maybe you don't see any eyes.

Maybe it doesn't have any

organs or appendages that you

recognize.

And this thing starts doing

something.

Like, maybe if it's jelly, it

starts wiggling around.

Or maybe, like, it...

Like...

What do you do?

Because any false move could be,

like, a direct insult to them.

Like, what...

What do you do?

Whatever you do, if they don't

have opposable thumbs, don't

wave.

Aliens hate creatures with

opposable thumbs.

Where did you acquire this

knowledge?

Are you saying that aliens are

biased against things with

opposable thumbs?

What about things with opposable

tails?

There are creatures that have

opposable...

What about creatures with opposable,

like, feet?

Like, with, like, toes that can

wrap around a tree.

What about that?

I made it up.

Okay, so...

But, like, the whole idea of

first contact is kind of scuffed,

to use your modern terminology.

Not that I say that.

You have.

I know.

I don't say it that much

anymore, though.

Yeah, because I've used it one

too many times.

It's not cool anymore.

I've shown that I have too much

riz.

I deserve that.

Anyway.

Wait, hold on.

Hold on.

No.

Don't do it.

You clapped your hand right

next to my ear.

That was so loud.

Anyway.

I'm just saying, the whole idea

of aliens and contacting them...

Like, we presume it's just

going to be so easy.

We're just going to, like, send

them a bunch of math.

That's universal constants of

the universe.

Or we'll send them, like, tones

that are in primes.

But what if they can't perceive

sound the way that we do?

What if they don't perceive

light or anything else the way

that we do?

What if they're so different

and so far removed that, like,

they'll get the record from,

like, the Voyager probe.

Take one look at it and be like,

hey, it's a frisbee.

You know?

Like, they might not even know

it's a record.

And yeah, there's instructions

that should be able to instruct

them it's a record.

Like, there's a little thing

showing how the record will

work.

Yeah.

But even then, how would they

even make sense of anything?

So, I don't know.

It's just an interesting thing

to think about.

The nature of life, the

universe, and everything.

You want to know what would be

really funny?

What?

If what happened in pixels

happens.

No!

It's not impossible.

Well, that was a high note to

end things on.

A reference to an Adam Sandler

film.

Anyway, so if you have any

thoughts about aliens or alien

abduction or anything like that.

Or alien, the movie.

Yeah.

Like, that's a whole different

conversation.

Feedback@nontopical.com is

the place where you can

communicate with us.

And if you happen to get any

value out of the conversations

that we randomly have.

Then, by all means, go to

ko-fi.com/nontopical.

And toss us whatever amount

indicates to you the value that

you received.

So, if you were entertained

enough for a dollar, then toss

us a dollar.

If you were entertained enough

for $15, toss us $15.

If you were entertained enough

for our hypothetical $1,000.

Then we are really grateful.

But anyway, because I don't

know that we're that

entertaining.

We're entertaining to us and

that's really all that matters.

He's entertaining to him.

Boo.

Boo.

Anyway.

So, aliens.

Are they out to get us?

Is the government hiding

something about them?

Or are they going to just

destroy the planet to make way

for a hyperspace bypass?

Let us know.

Because we don't know.

Any other thoughts, sir?

42.

42?

42.

Alright, that's it.

We're...

Goodbye, everybody.

Bye.

Bye.