NT 001 - Worse Than Dental Surgery

So you're going to be toothless

tomorrow.

Yeah.

I'm going to call you toothless

from now on.

Yeah.

We're starting tomorrow.

How do you feel about your impending

date with the knife?

Yay.

You know they're going to give

you drugs, right?

Yeah.

They're going to knock you out?

Yeah.

Are you looking forward to it?

I don't know.

I'm hoping the gas works.

Or whatever they do.

Like, whatever.

They might inject you with

something.

I don't know.

I don't know what methods they're

going to use to torture.

I mean, work on you.

It's like being abducted by

aliens.

Okay?

Except the aliens, like,

actually, like, take some teeth.

So, like, you get knocked out.

You wake up.

You're like, huh?

Like, I don't remember the past

three hours.

And why the hell are my toenails

missing?

Like, just, that's the intended

experience is you get knocked

out.

You wake up.

And the thing that is gone is

gone.

Or the thing that should be

gone is gone.

You know?

That, I think, is the intent.

But I'm kind of hoping.

This does happen sometimes, by

the way.

I'm kind of hoping that you

start coming out of the anesthesia

and you can't think rationally.

Now, don't get me wrong.

I can't think rationally anyway.

You beat me to it.

You beat me to it.

Damn it.

Damn it.

But, but like, worse than

normal.

I think it would be hilarious

if, like, you come out of it

and you just start, like, rambling

about Minecraft or something.

And it's just like, oh, the

creeper's gonna get me.

The creeper's in my mouth.

You know?

Some stupid junk like that

where you're literally so

impacted by the effects of the

drugs in your system that you

can't respond rationally.

And again, I know you can't

respond rationally, like, in

your own opinion anyway.

But there's a difference

between, you know, not being

able to respond rationally,

like, at your normal

intelligence level.

And not being able to respond

rationally because you're under

the influence of drugs.

And the second...

Or it'll just be exactly the

same as how I usually respond.

Yeah, you'll probably just be

like, eh.

What was it like being knocked

out?

I don't know.

I wasn't conscious.

I was unconscious.

What do you mean, what was it

like being knocked out?

Well, what was it like, you

know, coming out of being

knocked out?

It was like waking up.

Because that's what I did.

I woke up.

Also, the best kind of flowers

are out now.

Oh, the stinky flowers.

Yeah.

Oh my gosh, those flowers are

awful smelling.

Yeah.

Oh.

Oh, I breathed it in.

It doesn't even help if you

only breathe through your mouth.

Yeah, because then you taste it.

Oh my gosh.

I... There's no way to... Like,

it smells and tastes... Not

like death, but just... Bad. Is

what it smells and... Like...

Undescribably bad. Like...

Indescribably horrible.

Yeah, yeah. Like, this is...

Unexplainably horrid.

Like...

Hey, look, there's some flowers.

Oh, boy.

Yeah, so...

Oh...

You know, I still don't regret

us seeing a Minecraft movie,

but it was terrible.

Ah, yes.

And I know it's, like, the

normal thing right now for the

internet to hate on a Minecraft

movie.

But it's not really entirely

hating on it.

No, because it made 500 and

something million dollars in

the first two weeks, which

means you know they're gonna

make a second one now.

I mean, that was already

obvious from the ending.

Yeah, but you can make a cliffhanger

ending and not actually make

another movie. Like, this has

happened before.

Yeah.

Like, it's just meant to be,

like, a cliffhanger to be fun.

But they knew it was gonna be

successful.

Yeah, for babies.

Yeah, and people have already

theorized...

Or people of baby intelligence,

at least.

Like, you know, I understand

kids liking this movie.

And you know what? Like, if I

disconnect my brain enough...

It's okay.

I can find moments that are

funny.

But you have to disconnect any

rational part of your brain.

The minute that you allow the

rational part of your brain to

connect to the movie-watching

part of your brain,

It all falls apart so quickly.

Yeah.

And I'm not saying, like, it

gradually falls apart over time.

I'm saying, like, imagine you're

on a cliff.

And then all of a sudden there's

no cliff and you're falling.

Like, there's no earthquake.

There's no rumbling.

There's not even a magic, like,

noun.

A magic noise of, like, some

magic wand being cast and you

being teleported somewhere.

Slash filer.

Yeah.

It's just...

It's just gone and you're

falling into oblivion.

Yeah.

Oh, I love the chipmunk.

Yay.

Yay.

Chipmunk.

Anyway, Minecraft movie.

Yeah.

I...

It could have...

It easily could have been

better.

Well, yeah, obviously.

And I'm not even saying, like,

multi-million dollar changes.

I'm saying it easily...

Actually, there are probably

changes that will make it

better and saved money.

Yes.

It easily could have been

better.

Like, you know, not doing all

those...

Not, like, post-processing the

backgrounds and making them

look bad.

When they actually looked okay.

Yeah.

Like, not replacing the actual

backgrounds with some digital

stuff, too.

Although they kept some of the

actual...

Physical stuff.

Yeah.

But at the same time, we know

they replaced most of it.

But to quote Red Letter Media,

they just made it look like barf.

Like, hey, hey, color editor,

what we want you to do is just

turn up the brightness and

contrast to, like, 11.

Yeah.

Make it so unnaturally bright

that it hurts your eyes.

Yeah.

And the only place it doesn't

do that is in the Nether and

somewhat in real life.

But even in real life.

It's too colorful.

It's too colorful.

I mean, obviously, the Nether

scenes were always the best

scenes.

Yeah.

And, you know, the Technoblade.

Well, yeah, there was the brief

Technoblade reference.

That will be good regardless of

what you do.

Yeah.

Even if it was like a drawing

by a two-year-old, it would

still be the best part of the

movie.

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

Because, you know, Technoblade.

Technoblade.

I will confess.

There were two times during the

movie that I teared up.

And they had nothing to do with

the plot of the movie.

Obviously.

Nothing to do with the

characters in the movie.

The first time is I teared up

when they had the Mojang logo

on the screen.

Along with the noise that we're

all used to hearing with the Mojang

logo.

And then you start hearing the

actual music from Minecraft.

I mean, yeah.

Because it's like they made it.

They were the small little

indie game company and they've

made it.

Well, it's not just that.

It's also that, you know, it's

nostalgia.

Yeah.

Like, you just feel.

I mean, although that.

That sound is not.

Is a much newer sound.

I know that it's a newer sound.

But it would be like, you know.

I don't know why they didn't do

this for the Sonic movies.

If they had the Sega opening

and went.

Sega.

I think they did.

Oh, they did.

Okay.

I forgot about that.

Like, that.

I could be misremembering

though.

My memory isn't good.

Like, but that legit.

Like, that type of stuff makes

me tear up a little bit.

All right.

And then, obviously, the Technoblade

reference.

I mean, you can't help but feel

something there.

Yeah.

Like, if you.

And keep in mind, when Technoblade

died, I didn't know who he was.

And I was like, who the hell is

Technoblade?

And then I, like, years later

watched his stuff.

And I'm like, yeah, that guy

was.

That guy was amazingly

hilarious and could kick

everybody's ass in the game.

Yep.

So...

Technoblade reference and

opening.

We'll admit to man tears.

Okay?

Don't judge me.

But the rest of the movie, like,

the only way you would get

tears out of me is if you were

torturing me, like, by, like,

causing physical pain.

Yeah.

Like, you could cry because of

how bad it is.

No, that's giving the movie too

much, like, value.

Yeah.

But...

I'm saying, like, if something

else bad was happening.

And there were really, like,

two characters that were

developed.

Yeah.

And that was Steve, if you can

call Jack Black, playing Jack

Black, developed.

Yeah.

And...

Garrett.

What's his name?

Garrett.

Garrett was the only developed

character.

I don't even count Steve as

developed.

Yeah, because Steve doesn't

really have that much of an arc.

Like, he kind of does, like...

Oh, I'm gonna...

No, I know what his arc is.

What was his arc?

His arc was he is Steve.

Well, no, he goes back to the

real world at the end.

He makes the choice to leave

the Minecraft world.

But, but he's gonna go back.

Well...

In the sequel.

Yeah, yeah.

But the only one that had an

arc and was worth anything was...

Garrett.

Garrett.

Jason Momoa.

And even then...

It wasn't amazing.

It didn't make a ton of sense.

Like...

But he had an arc.

Yeah, he had an arc where they

tried to make it seem as if he

became less selfish.

In a very short time period.

And he became the main

character's father figure.

Oh, by the way, in case we didn't

say it, spoilers.

Yeah.

But also, fuck you.

Because...

Yeah.

This movie, it...

Trash.

The most definition of trash,

by the way.

Now, like, again, this is not a

bad movie like Plan 9 from Outer

Space bad.

This is not like an unintentionally

bad movie or an intentionally

bad movie.

It's not as bad as Side Hacker.

No.

It's not as bad as certain

Mystery Science 3000 movies.

Yeah.

Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Yeah.

How dare you.

Yeah, I know.

How dare I.

But I will say that...

There's nothing to give real

people that have a functioning

intellect...

Not many of those exist anymore.

Yeah, I know.

But there's nothing to give

that...

Like...

Brother and sister...

Supposedly mom died.

We don't even know about dad.

Yeah.

Like, dad might have left the

picture ahead of time.

Probably.

You know, or maybe he pre-deceased

mom.

We don't know.

I'm fairly sure they said

something about him leaving or

something or other.

All we know is 16-year-old girl

who is playing a 19-year-old or

something has custody of her

little brother.

And they're driving in a car.

Unfortunately.

And there's just like a throwaway

comment.

Oh, well...

You know, since mom died, we

have to move to someplace that's

cheaper.

And then there was the, uh,

just like mom made it, you know?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

The tater tot breakfast thing.

And then it was never brought

up again.

Never brought up again.

There was no sadness amongst

either one of them.

About, like...

There was not even a comment of...

Like, kid gets to school, looks

sad, and like somebody's like,

What's wrong with me?

It's like, you know, it's just...

You know, my mom died.

You know, maybe we should...

Now that you brought it up,

maybe we should talk about the

kid, eh?

Remember?

The main character.

Oh, yes.

The bullied...

The quote-unquote main

character that isn't a main

character.

The poor bullied one.

So bullied.

So bullied.

So terribly bullied.

You know, like...

And here's the thing.

You want to know what you do?

Damn it.

I said here's the thing.

I'm sorry.

I'm trying not to say here's

the thing.

I say it too much.

But for reference, I actually

legit got bullied.

Okay?

And by legit get bullied, I

mean, like, people prank called

my house.

People checked me into lockers.

I had pasta and slushies dumped

on me at times.

I got tripped and, like, in the

mud at times.

I got spitballs and spitwads

thrown at me.

All right?

I legit got bullied at times.

All right?

Yeah.

And I'm fine.

I turned out perfectly okay.

Mostly.

Mostly.

Partially.

Partially.

But...

I think so.

I am a functioning adult.

I will say that.

I have a job.

I pay my bills.

More bills than you should pay.

More bills than I should pay.

You know, spend too much money

sometimes on things like

microphones for podcasts.

Or, you know, Ghostbusters

stuff.

No, the Ghostbusters stuff was

going to happen.

There's no getting around that.

That was going to happen.

Anyway.

Point being, I know what being

bullied is like.

And I know that bullying doesn't

just stay in the school when

you're around the bullies.

They can track you on your

phones and do all sorts of

stuff now.

Fine.

Yeah.

So, they try to set up.

This kid is being bullied.

I mean, in, like, the first 15

minutes of being in real life.

For the first 15 minutes.

And why is he being bullied?

Uh, because the other kids are

stupid and don't know science.

No, no, no.

We got to go to the surface

level of the message of the

movie here.

The very paper thin.

Oh, yeah.

Paper thin message of the movie.

Right, right.

Because he's being creative.

Yes, that's right.

Ladies and gentlemen.

In art class.

Yes.

This kid was drawing something

in art class that was not the

assigned assignment.

And even his teacher was making

fun of him for it.

And the students were like.

So, the kid drew a jetpack.

Yeah.

All right.

Drew a jetpack.

Now, here's the thing.

If you draw a jetpack, fine.

Like.

And then the logical response

of the people in his class was,

first of all, to make fun of

his drawing.

And second of all, to say.

You can't make that.

That can exist in real life.

At which point, kid legit

builds a rocket pack.

Oh, yeah.

Right from the start.

Nothing's happened.

This is like the first five

minutes.

Yeah.

There's no barrier.

Okay.

There's no adversity here.

He literally just starts

gathering junk and building a

jetpack.

Yeah.

It's a throwaway thing.

You know, kid can build a jetpack.

Who cares?

We've got to get to Minecraft

for it.

Yes.

So, kid builds jetpack.

And Bully, first of all, the

entire school and teacher amass

around him outside of the

school for some reason.

Yeah.

As he gets ready to fire this

thing off.

Also, for some reason, Bully

sabotages.

Yeah.

So, Bully sabotages the jetpack

by cutting a single wire on it.

Yeah.

Maybe two.

Jetpack still takes off.

And flies straight up for a

good long while.

Flies straight up for a good

long while, then goes sideways

and blows up the town's potato

chip mascot.

Also, can we, can I just

thought of this.

Can we question how it just so

happened to go up that perfect

distance?

Yeah.

Like, how would it suddenly?

Like, the bullies aren't that

smart.

They went, no.

Ah, yes.

It will go up about, let's see

here, 100 feet.

And then it's going to turn and

go straight.

100 feet.

It was hundreds of feet.

Like, what would happen if the

thing just blew up upon launch?

Yeah.

And like, shrapneled everybody

in the crowd.

Except for our main character.

Well, yeah.

Plot armor.

But, so, we're supposed to feel

bad for this kid.

Who, clearly, is going to be on

the Department of Homeland

Security wanted list.

And then is going to get

recruited by the CIA and or

military industrial complex.

For building a fuel efficient

jet pack.

Yeah.

Yep.

So, we're supposed to feel bad

for him.

Yep.

Sister works at the potato chip

factory that he blew up the

mascot on.

Well, she just got there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But still.

So, that's a thing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then.

And somehow, him blowing up the

potato would have gotten her to

lose her job.

Yeah.

Somehow.

But, like, somehow, the other

part of this is realtor lady.

Realtor lady.

Realtor lady.

Are we not talking about

Garrett because he's actually

good?

We'll come back to Garrett

because Garrett actually has a

purpose for existence.

Yes.

But, he has a good story.

Yeah.

He has a good character.

Garrett legit has a good story.

But, like, realtor lady.

Realtor lady who also knows how

to handle animals.

Yes.

That's literally who she is.

She is sassy realtor lady that

has one-off statements and is

good with animals in the real

world, which serves no purpose

in the Minecraft world at all.

Yeah.

It still has one purpose.

Yes.

What?

She got the wolves, remember?

Oh, she fed the wolf the bug.

Yeah, yeah.

She got an army of wolves.

Oh.

Wow.

The significance to the plot,

ladies and gentlemen.

The wolf who-

It was a throwaway shot.

Yeah.

The wolf who, like, didn't do-

Oh, no.

That was-

Wait.

That wolf was already tamed

anyway.

Well, there were a bunch at the

end that she tamed.

Oh.

For the final battle.

Oh, for the final battle.

But we're skipping ahead too

much.

We're still talking about the

beginning.

Yeah, yeah.

Let me come back.

Anyway, the reason why I'm not

saying much about Sister is

Sister doesn't do anything.

Yeah.

Not really.

Like, legitimately.

Like, legitimately.

You could have killed Sister

off in the first act and been

fine.

Literally.

Have her get blown out.

Like, she-

No, no, no.

She did the only thing she did

to contribute to the entire

plot of the movie.

She insulted her little brother.

Yeah.

She insulted her little brother

in what was supposed to be an

emotional, you betrayed me type

of moment.

Which it wasn't.

Which it wasn't.

But it wasn't.

And, because you already don't

care about the brother because

he's like-

OP.

Super genius OP.

And so, like, she just makes,

like, a half-hearted, angry-ish

type of comment.

Like, you always cause problems

with your inventions and your

creativity.

Yeah, I don't even remember

what it was.

It was so forgettable.

And then at the end, of course,

she apologizes for what she

said.

But it really didn't have an

impact on anything.

Like, guy-boy character doesn't

even have an arc in the

Minecraft world.

Like, it's not like he built

anything overly significant.

He built a tower.

And a tater tot gun.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

The tater tot gun.

The remarkable creation that is

a tater tot gun.

And he made the thing at the

end that we're not going to

talk about yet.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, bad guy was good.

I heard some reviewers say,

like, actress for bad person

character was not good actress.

I thought she was fine.

Yeah.

Like, that was...

Her backstory was a bit goofy.

Yeah.

The backstory was stupid.

I appreciate the pig step,

though.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Backstory was stupid.

But she was a good villain.

Yeah.

Like, just straight up good

villain.

I wish we got more of her.

Yeah.

But we didn't.

And again, they could have

easily fixed her arc and made

her have an arc.

Yeah.

But they didn't.

Yeah.

And I will again point out that

it's just the seer from

Minecraft Legends, but more

personality-ish.

Yes.

If you can call it personality.

So, finally we get to...

We have to talk about Gert.

Yes, that's where we were going.

Oh, well, wait.

We never talked about the

opening scene.

Oh, you mean the five minutes

of narration straight?

Yeah, from Jack Black.

Yeah.

Jack Black narrating as Jack

Black, playing Jack Black in

the most Jack Black-iest way

that you could potentially Jack

Black.

Yeah.

Like, if you've seen Kung Fu

Panda, alright?

If you've seen Kung Fu Panda,

or you've seen any of other

Jack Black-y, like, family...

Except for Jumanji.

Except for Jumanji.

Yeah, except for Jumanji.

But, like, any standard family

Jack Black, or even, like, his

Orange County, I believe, was

the name of the movie Roll.

You know, if you took the

craziest Jack Black that you

saw in any of these movies,

multiplied him times a thousand,

then stewed all a thousand Jack

Blacks, and distilled the

essence down to purest possible

Jack Black, that's what this

movie is.

Yeah.

There's nothing to say about

him, except every line, somehow,

is over the top.

Yeah.

Every single...

Especially when he says the

name of things.

Wait, when he says, oh, the, uh,

the name of things.

The names of things, yes.

All the trailer moments.

Yeah.

Which all the kids in the movie

theater were saying along with

the movie, which I was like...

The only moment that I approved

of these kids and their parents

talking was when they said,

Technoblade, Technoblade.

Like, then, you know, my heart

went a little bit soft there.

You know?

But, but, but, but it's still

kind of an insult after all of

them, after they kept saying

all the lines.

Yeah.

That Jack Black stuff.

All the lines from the trailer.

All of them.

Yeah.

Every trailer line.

Even though they did modify one

of the shots from the trailer

compared to the actual...

Yeah, I think it was still the

same voice line, though.

Yeah.

It was just a different shot.

It was just, it was just a

different take.

Yeah.

But, but...

So, like, in the exact same

voice line.

Jason Momoa.

Well, I, I, I do want to talk

about the, the, the opening a

little bit more.

Okay, go ahead.

Jack Black, he, he narrates

about how he was a child and

yearned for the lines and, and

couldn't do it.

Because...

For reasons.

No, no children allowed.

No children allowed in the,

well, actually, that's a good

rule.

Yeah.

No children allowed in the

mines.

Fine.

But there's no reason when he

turned 18 that he couldn't have

gone back and be like, yo.

Yeah.

Give me a job as a minor.

Nah, nah.

You see, he had to go and take

that soul-sucking office job,

you know?

Yeah, soul-sucking corporate

job.

That, that was kind of funny.

Yeah, that was.

But it was annoying that it was

all narration, so it wasn't

that funny.

Yeah, it would have been more

funny if you just, like, saw

him, like, cut to a scene of

him just sitting there brooding

over, like, his computer.

And then just, like, doing the

internet table flip thing and

just, like, running out.

Or, or you could have, or you

could have it be, like, uh, the,

the computer has something that,

that shows, are you tired of

your job?

Do you find your soul leaving

your body because how much your

job sucks?

Yeah, or, like, even, look, if

you wanted to do it right,

heaven forbid, you actually

have, like, him see something

about, like,

you know, how, like, heroic

miners saved, like, you know,

kid that tripped and fell, or,

you know, something about

mining.

And it re-triggers his memory

about how much, like, he hates

his job and how he wants to be

a miner.

Like, you could have planted

that seed there.

And, and also, when he does go

to the mine, it's kind of

stupid that the old guy still,

like, tries to get him to go

away.

I feel like it would have been

better if there was, like, a

nod of somewhat respect and

then he stands aside.

Why would you still go after

this, like, middle-aged man?

Well, obviously, like, the old

man has, hasn't aged and gotten

older, first of all.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Second of all, like, I get, it's,

it's thematic.

It's supposed to represent, you

know, the man preventing him

from being, you know, the

person he truly wants to be.

But, but.

I, I think you're looking too

deep into it.

Yeah.

It was meant to be funny.

It also got sold in, like, the

problem got solved in such the

stupidest way.

Like, you would think, like,

some kind of epic battle

between the two.

Or, like, some kind of, like,

the old man takes a swing at

him and is too old and

therefore, you know, Jack Black

just looks pitifully at him.

Like, you're, oh, stupid old

man and walks by.

No.

No.

Instead, Jack Black jukes him

out in a very stupid way.

Yep, just dodges around him.

That's it.

Well, why couldn't you have

done that when you were a kid?

Oh, no, no.

Was the pickaxe slowing you

down?

He wasn't smart enough then.

Are you sure he was smart

enough now?

Shut up.

Anyway, so, let's, let's talk

about, you talked about the

opening and, oh, and obviously

you would think the narration

ends once again in Minecraft

world, but no.

He has to then explain how he

got, how he opened a portal to

the nether and got captured by

the, what's it?

Piglins.

By the piglins and how they

kidnapped his dog and all this

stuff.

Yes, dog.

Very important.

Yes, dog was so important.

Dennis.

Dennis.

Very important.

Dennis.

Very important.

So important.

So much merch.

So much merch with Dennis.

I felt, I felt so attached to

Dennis that I just wanted him

to get hit by a car.

Oh, wait.

Anyway.

That was part of the beginning.

So we should talk about how no

one notices the blocky, curse

looking Minecraft dog.

Oh, it's just a stray dog on

the street.

Because the dog escapes into

the real world with the crystal

thing.

Yeah.

Orb of dominance.

Orb of dominance crystal thing

for teleportation.

But the point being, dog goes

to the real world with it.

And, um, yeah, it's just

hanging around this town in

Idaho.

Yep.

And, like, it's literally, like,

right near the town sign.

Like, for the name of the town

or the name of the factory of

the town.

Whatever it was.

And, like, nobody notices this

really disturbing, like, mutant

of a dog.

Let's be honest here, though.

Everyone's too busy looking at

their phones to notice.

Everybody is too stupid in this

movie.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Obvious.

Period.

Obvious.

So, now that we've covered the

ten minutes of narration at the

beginning of the movie.

Garrett.

Garrett.

The best character.

The garbage man.

The Garrett, the garbage man garrison.

So, this guy.

Wow, you remembered his last

name.

I couldn't even remember it.

That is right.

I didn't even remember it.

You're welcome, sir.

Round of applause, everybody.

Thank you.

All right.

Anyway.

I guess you could have, you

could say that I have a memory

for trashy things.

Uh-huh.

I mean, it is a, it is a 3G

name.

Yeah.

It's very, it's, it's, it's.

Alliteration.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Anyway.

So, this guy was, like, a video

game all-star back in the days

of arcades.

Yep.

He, he, he played, uh, Street

Fighter Knockoff.

Except it's not called that.

But, it's Street Fighter Knockoff.

Yep.

Street Fighter Knockoff.

And he won the championship by

using one move.

Yeah.

That got him the nickname, the

Garbage Man.

Yeah.

It was, like, the Garbage Slam

or garbage.

Yeah.

Something like that.

Something stupid like that.

But, like, also, they mentioned

that it was, like, a two-player,

like, co-op game.

Yeah.

And that didn't go anywhere.

Yeah.

Like, which is really weird.

I mean, it kind of did at the

end, but not really.

Yeah, but not really.

Because that was just his

general arc.

Anyway, so, he's, like, living

in the past.

All he really cares about is

that he was this famous guy.

He runs a retro game store.

He runs a retro game store, but

that retro game store is still

largely focused on him.

Like, he goes to, like, storage,

like, facility, like, bet

things, or, like, auctions to

try to get, like, classic game

memorabilia and stuff.

Yeah.

That he can sell.

And thus, this is how the main

cast comes into contact with

Orb of Dominance after stupid

interaction with Garret and

main character.

Yeah, he gets it from, like, a

storage thing, and then the

main boy character, like, shows

up and sees it.

And the guy's, like, I will

teach you how to be cool, or

whatever it is, or how to

dominate, you know?

I give lessons, like, as a

washed-up person in how to do

this, as a washed-up man-child.

Yep.

And he's generally just

intentionally dumb.

Yeah.

But he has the most heart to

him.

Like, you almost, and I use the

term almost, you almost kind of,

sort of, maybe have an inkling

of a slight tingle of pity for

him.

Yeah.

Okay?

Maybe a tiny bit.

Yeah.

But he's also, like, he only

cares about himself, so you

also kind of dislike him at the

same time.

Yeah.

You dislike him, but, like, you

also see that his life is

falling apart, he's getting

kicked out, whatever.

Yeah.

And, obviously, in the end,

like, he has to make a choice

not to be selfish and to make

sacrifices.

Supposedly.

Supposedly.

And then, of course, you know,

his sacrifice is made

meaningless because he comes

back.

Yeah.

Which is, you know, obvious.

Yeah.

Of course that's going to

happen.

Right, right.

So, so, characters go, go to

Minecraft land.

Our four main characters go to

Minecraft land.

Yes.

Oh, yeah, yeah, that's right.

Realtor lady somehow got roped

into this.

Yeah.

Because, because, remember, she

somehow knew that that main

character kid blew up the

potato, even though she wasn't

there.

Oh, yeah, that was the other

thing.

Like, everybody knows that the

kid was responsible for blowing

up the potato on the potato

chip factory, except for his

sister who works there.

Yeah, yeah, even though, really,

no one could really know unless

they happened to be recording,

because it happened really

quickly.

Yeah.

Like, what, you're going to

catch the after effect of the

explosion?

Yeah.

What, did the school put out

some kind of thing online about,

hey, this kid blew up the

potato?

Yep.

It was headline news.

It was villager news.

All right.

Anyway.

If they had villager news, it

would have been decent.

Yes, that's true.

Anyway, they, they, they, they

put the orb together.

It calls them to the mine.

Or something.

Or something.

Or something.

And they end up in Minecraft

world.

Hooray, movie's over.

Um, no.

They end up in Minecraft world.

Um.

Brainiac bullied kid who, you

know, is being bullied.

Immediately, without any

introduction to anything,

figures out crafting.

Well, well, no.

Okay.

Let's start this off simple.

Uh, Garrett tries to talk to a

sheep because he knows it's a

video game world somehow.

And thinks that...

The sheep is the NPC.

Yeah.

The sheep is the quest giver.

It's going to get the quest.

Uh, yeah.

So stupid.

Uh, and then night comes.

Yeah.

Which the first night scene,

like the first half of it.

The first night was like one of

the better parts of the movie.

Yeah.

We'll say.

It looks good.

It was ominous.

You know, they had to build a

tower.

Yeah.

Well, okay.

So, so I'm just going to go

through this step by step

because it's very simple.

Uh.

I think characters get

separated at one point because

Garrett falls into a hole.

Yeah, Garrett wants to get the,

Garrett also wants to get the

orb thing.

Yeah, and he does.

And he breaks the crystal part

of the orb.

Uh, well, technically a

skeleton shoots it.

So.

Even so.

A bunch of.

It's Garrett's fault.

A bunch of spider jockeys with

skeletons with flame bows

because we have to have all the

visual effects.

Yeah, all of them.

Uh.

They start attacking.

Creeper was better than I

thought, by the way.

Yeah, but the way it worked was

stupid.

Yeah, it was.

Uh, so, so Garrett gets blown

up by a creeper at one point.

Remember the friendly creepers

in the quote unquote creeper

farm?

Uh, we can't talk about that

yet.

We haven't got mad.

Well, we don't, we also don't

have much time.

So.

Yeah, okay.

I will speed run through the

first night.

Uh.

Uh.

Main character.

Worst speed run ever.

Main character kid hits block

of wood.

Figures out how to break wood.

Makes, makes tower.

Uh.

Zombies get up somehow.

Uh.

They can't spawn up there

because there are players too

close so they couldn't spawn.

But they did spawn up there.

They randomly showed up at one

point.

I know, but it don't make sense

because moms can spawn within a

certain distance.

It doesn't need to make sense.

It's a movie.

We gotta throw stuff and keep

the kids occupied.

Oh, wait.

Actually, I remember.

Uh, a skeleton shoots a creeper

with the flame arrow so it ignites

it, which isn't how it works.

But you can't light a creeper

with flint and steel, so.

Flint and steel!

Uh, uh.

Steve shows up, uh, kicks

zombies with his bare hands.

They all get set on fire.

Wait, he kicked them with his

bare hands?

Don't you kick with your bare

feet?

He kicked them with his bare

hands.

Okay.

He's Jack Black.

That's how he works.

Alright, do go on.

Uh, all the zombies get set on

fire.

We meet Steve.

We go to Midport Village.

The place with all the cursed

villagers and desert.

And lava chicken.

And desert villagers.

All the trees.

Oh, no.

Desert villagers and snowy

villagers in a plains village.

For some reason.

Yeah, whatever.

And we have our Technoblade

moment, which is the best

moment of the movie.

Yeah.

Other than the end.

That, that is a legend.

Yes.

Uh, so, so we have Steve's lava

chicken theme song.

Which a lot of people are also

remixing.

Yeah, we've seen remixes with

bass.

We've seen remixes on piano.

I, I've seen.

I saw a remix that, that was

lava chicken megalovania.

Yeah, this is.

From Undertale.

Yeah, this is gonna, you know,

they're gonna have lava chicken

pop-up shops at some point.

You know it's coming.

There's gonna be Steve.

Uh, lava chicken also is

something that does exist.

And it actually looks pretty

tasty.

But, but not, not like movie.

No, not like the lava chicken

from the movie.

It doesn't look like that.

Okay.

Alright.

It kind of looks like that, but

not the same.

Okay.

Do go on.

So, so we get lava chicken.

And then, uh.

Piglin attack.

Piglin attack.

Piglin attack.

They, they drink nether wart.

And the, the, the, the, the big

chungus.

Oh, chungus.

I like chungus.

Yeah, chungus was, was kind of

funny.

He's just like a big, dumb,

like nice, like he's a bad guy,

but he's nice about it.

Yeah.

Like.

And then he dies.

Yeah.

I mean, he, he was incompetent.

I mean, yeah, but, but you

gotta keep the incompetent

general around.

No, no you don't.

Yeah.

I mean, come on.

If the bad guy is willing to

kill a child for drawing a

picture.

Yeah.

I mean.

Like straight up child murder.

Maybe, maybe a child, it could

just be a small piglin.

Look, look, no.

It's straight up child murder.

Okay.

And you know, I wholeheartedly

approve of that in this movie.

I think every Minecraft and

kids friendly movie needs to

have child murder.

Orphan murder.

That, that, that piglin was an

orphan.

Okay.

All right.

All right.

All right.

Fine.

Okay.

Technoblade reference for those

that don't know.

We, we do not technically

advocate for the murder of orphans.

Yeah.

So, so some piglins attack and

the two girls get split up from

all the guys because the guys

use a light room wing suit.

Oh, you forgot about the fact

that the, the, in, in between

there at some point, that's

when

like sister has moment with.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And they go to the crafting

table area.

And Garrett can't craft

anything and thinks he's better.

He makes buckets.

He makes buckets.

He makes buckets.

Chuckets or whatever.

Yeah.

And kid makes the, and kid

makes the potato gun.

Potato gun.

And then Garrett tries to beat

up the chungus with, with the

buckets and he fails miserably.

Fails.

And also knocks out Steve in

the process because he's just

that bad.

Yeah.

And then they have to go on an

adventure to get, well, first

of all, they have to get the,

they have to go to, well, what

is it?

The, the, the, the Woodland

Mansion.

Woodland Mansion.

Because Garrett broke the earth

crystal.

But they got to stop to get

diamonds first.

Because Garrett broke.

Because Garrett wants money.

Garrett broke.

Garrett wants money.

And, and of course, that's when

we encounter one of the dumbest

moments of the entire movie,

which is the in cave creeper

farm.

Ah, yes.

The creeper farm, you know,

where you, it's, it's just a

bunch of creepers in the cave.

No, no strategy required

whatsoever.

Yeah.

And they're, they're also

passive, passive, unless you

actually hit them.

Yeah.

If you hit them, they'll blow

up and they won't really try to

hurt you.

They don't try to hurt you.

Yeah.

I mean, like, and do you know

what?

Like, I would love to have a

world where creepers, like, are

friendly and are your friends.

Play Minecraft Legends, eh?

Yeah.

They're friendly in that.

Yeah.

Like, where they're your

friends and you could hug them

and have one as a pet.

Like, I'm fine with that.

But not here.

Like, it doesn't work.

Yeah.

This is, this is modern

Minecraft world.

Why are, why are creepers

friendly?

So, they get the thing and

ladies are wandering in the

woods.

Find Steve's dog.

Oh, well, I, I, I, I, uh, don't,

don't forget Monster Piglin Abomination.

And then the mission attacks

them in the mines.

And they kill it.

And then she, they, they

somehow, they make another one

at random.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Also, uh, Enderman scene.

Yes.

Enderman scene where, where.

That was cool.

Yeah.

Hero, hero kid, uh, looks into

the Enderman's eyes and, and,

uh, purple eyed versions of all

of his friends.

Yeah.

It mind, it messes with his

mind.

Which actually would have been

good if you actually cared

about what these other

characters

said negatively about the kid

and believed it.

Also, that was when Hero Brian

showed up.

Uh, Steve had white eyes

instead of purple.

Uh, well, also.

Which I didn't notice.

And of course, while that's

going on, what we have actually,

what was, in my opinion, a

creative use of the Enderman.

Uh, that's where chicken jockey

happens.

Uh, yeah, uh, kid kills the Enderman

in a really anticlimactic

battle because the Enderman

should have teleported behind

him but didn't.

Yep.

Uh, uh, kid falls, uh, into the

arena where Garrett and Steve,

well, just Garrett, actually.

Steve's all tied up at the

moment.

Yeah.

Uh, Garrett, Garrett has to

fight a chicken jockey.

It's so stupid.

So, so stupid.

Yeah.

And it falls in multiple times,

which is even more stupid.

Yep.

And then Steve just kicks it.

Yep.

Yeah, Steve gets free, kicks it,

and it falls over and cries.

Then they leave.

I do think it was creative to

use that, uh, room in the

mansion because there is a room.

Yeah, that was cool.

There is a room like that and

having it be an Illager Fight

Club makes sense, so.

Yeah, that was kind of cool,

yeah.

But then they leave this, they

meet up with the girls.

Uh, and then a bunch of piglins

attack and they, and they all

have blocks of TNT and are

gonna, uh.

And Garrett sacrifices himself

to save the others.

Supposedly.

Supposedly.

He sacrifices himself.

You know, he stays behind and

he says that he loves luau's

because luau's, you know, you

cook and eat pig.

Yeah.

So, he stays behind and fights.

They all get into their-

Gas hot air balloon.

Their friendly gas balloon.

What's the name of that feature?

Happy gas.

Yeah.

They get into their happy gas

balloon.

It wasn't really a happy gas.

It was still one of the not

happy ones.

But, but, but for, for all intents

and purposes, it was a happy

gas.

Yeah.

They, they took control.

All right.

So, so then they go back to try

to save the village.

And I don't even remember how

this junk got resolved except

that Garrett comes back at some

point.

I don't remember.

No, never fear.

I remember how this horrible

movie ends.

Oh, no.

So, uh, kid, you know, the, the

super OP kid, he, he comes up

with a plan.

Oh, yes.

That's right.

They're, they're gonna fight

off the piglin invasion with

the power of creativity.

Oh, that's right.

This was that lame, like,

friendship was the reward the

entire time.

Yeah, so, so.

Or love was the superpower the

entire time.

Also, let's, let's just point

out really quick, uh, there's

boots of swiftness from

Minecraft Dungeons somehow.

Um, yep.

That, that's a thing.

Uh, so they use that and they,

they get a bunch of carved

pumpkins and iron and, uh, realtor

lady tames a bunch of wolves.

Yeah.

And, and the piglins, they,

they make a portal and they use

the orb of dominance to make an

eternal night, just like in

Minecraft Legends.

So, they start.

Oh, that's right.

And then kid gets on top of

tower to try to get orb.

Yeah.

So, so you have leader, you

have leader iron golem that has

boots of swiftness, uh, and.

Yeah.

That's what made that iron golem

special is it was made with

boots of swiftness instead of

head.

Yeah.

Instead of a pumpkin.

Which, which.

Yeah.

You can't really replace the,

the, the, the head with boots.

That doesn't make sense.

Well, it doesn't, let's move

forward.

Yeah.

So, the movie's going really

fast at this point.

We gotta hurry up.

Leader iron golem fights the,

the, the big monster piglin

that I forgot the name of

because it's from Minecraft

Legends anyway.

Monster, monster, monstrosity

piglin.

Whatever.

Uh, uh, uh, all the iron golems

fight the piglins.

Uh, the wolves fight the piglins.

Uh, kid gets up on top of tower

but the, the, the big evil piglin,

uh, shoots him and he starts to

fall.

And then Garrett comes flying

in on a gas balloon and saves

him.

Yeah, and then, you know, so

Steve fights, what's her face,

the bad guy.

Mal Gosha.

Yeah, and he fights her.

And you know what?

And they get, they get.

This is another simple change

that would have fixed this.

They, they get the orb and all

the piglins start to zombify.

Yes.

Except for the two next to Mal

Gosha for some reason.

Yeah.

Anyway, uh, yeah, you get to do

your part.

Okay, so my thing is that this

ending could have been good.

But it wasn't.

So, the good ending, which

wouldn't have cost any more to

make, would be.

Oh, wait, actually, we should,

we should say what Mal Gosha.

Yeah.

Backstory.

So, Mal Gosha's backstory is

she was in a dance competition.

It's Nether's Got Talent.

Nether's Got Talent.

And everybody booed her off the

stage, even though she was a

good dancer.

Eh, she was okay.

Yeah, she was okay enough.

You know, they shouldn't have

been booing her off the stage.

But they, they booed her

because creativity.

Yeah.

Which, to me, I'm like, then

why would you have Nether's Got

Talent?

I mean, it wasn't really

because of creativity, but I

think that's the message.

But that's the message.

So, anyway.

And then, and then her dad has

her gold mine for gold.

Yeah.

Because that's what piglins do.

That's what piglins do.

They like gold.

You know, you're a

disappointment to me, daughter,

because you like dance.

Go mine.

Go mine gold.

Go yearn for the mines.

Yearn for the mines.

You know, slave labor.

Anyway.

So, the point being, though.

So, the point being, though.

The ideal ending, in my opinion,

would be for Steve to say to me.

Well, you should say it would

be the normal ending.

No, I will reveal the normal

ending after the good ending.

Okay.

So, the good ending would have

been the following.

Steve's defeated her.

Yeah.

So, Steve's defeated her.

Yeah.

She's feeling all sad.

Like, she just wanted to take

over the world and, like, make

her father proud and all this

stuff.

Yeah.

She just wants to create safety.

And then, Steve says to her,

you know, isn't there something

that you ever just wanted to do

or be?

Because you can be that here.

Let me help you to be what you

want to be.

And then, he lifts her up.

He builds a stage.

And she does her dance.

And everybody in the overworld

applauds her.

And, like, she becomes, like, a

dance teacher or whatever.

Okay.

That would have been the good

ending.

Now, we must say what the

original ending is.

The rule ending is he defeats

her.

She starts to zombify.

She starts to zombify.

And she says, come here.

I want to talk with you.

And he's like, you're just

going to try to stab me, aren't

you?

And she's like, no, no, I swear.

I'm not going to.

And, like, she tries to stab

him and is too weak.

And then, like, so he starts to

go away.

And she says it again.

Yeah.

And she tries to stab him.

And that is when the

microphones randomly decided.

To stop recording.

Yay.

So, the file was there.

And it has, like, eight minutes

of missing audio.

Yay.

So, it is now a few days later.

Actually, two days later from

our initial recording.

And we're cooking dinner and

boiling water for pasta.

And so, we figured, let's make

up for where we left off.

So, where we left off, we were

talking about the fact that

what's-her-face was...

Malgosia.

Yeah, Malgosia tries to kill

Steve, like, a few times.

A few times.

And then dissolves into puddle.

Falls over and dies.

Yeah.

And it was such a missed

opportunity.

Because, like I had said, you

could have something good

happen.

Like, she was the best

character in the movie.

Aside from Garrett.

Garrett the carrot.

Yeah.

That's it.

Like, it was a-

The ending was a complete letdown.

Yeah.

Oh, and then they go back to

the real world and-

Stuff.

Their lives are all better now.

Because-

Somehow.

They fought adversity.

Like, oh, genius kid builds his

jetpack again and it works.

And then the CIA takes him away.

Yeah.

And sister starts, like, an

exercise?

Uh, some kind of a-

Fight club?

Fighting training camp thing.

And Garrett and Steve do their

retro game thing and-

Music.

Make a game and music.

Yeah.

And then what does-

What does Pointless Lady do?

Uh, Pointless Lady did

something.

Got a better realtor job and

has Dennis now.

Still no one notices Creepy Dog.

Yeah.

Yep.

So, um, the movie was pointless.

Yeah.

I mean, I-

Look, I will openly state the

following, at least.

Even if you're an adult with a

functioning brain, um, you can

find some funny-ish moments.

Like, if I turned my rational

brain off, I could laugh at

this movie.

Because lots of dumb jokes.

Yeah.

But I have to turn my rational

brain off to do it.

And the problem is, is you

really have to turn off your

rational brain to do it.

Like, the quote-unquote arc and

story of this movie is so paper-thin

that, like, single-ply Scott

toilet paper holds up better.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, it's pretty terrible.

So, I have to agree with what

Filza said when he reviewed

this.

And Filza, for those that don't

know, is somebody that's a

Minecraft YouTuber, you know?

Twitch streamer.

Twitch streamer.

Twitch.

I can't even talk straight.

Anyway.

Um, and he's in his 30s.

So, he's, you know, close

enough to my age where I

respect his opinion.

Unlike most YouTubers and

Twitch streamers.

So, um, he said basically the

only good way to watch it is if

you're watching it with people,

can pause it and make fun of it.

And that's basically why we

went in.

We couldn't pause it and make

fun of it.

But we were making fun of it

the whole time.

Yeah.

The whole time.

So, like, this is the type of

movie that if you're of age to

consume adult beverages or

other adult substances that may

or may not have an impact on

your brain.

This is the type of movie that

you consume those adult

beverages or other adult

substances and watch so that

you can pause it and make fun

of it.

It's not even worthy of, like,

it's not bad enough to be

worthy of Mystery Science

Theater 3000, like we said

during our walk.

But it's the worst kind of

popular tripe movie.

I don't know what else to say

about it.

It's just awful.

I got it.

My wisdom teeth.

Oh, yes.

It is.

It is a couple of days later.

And we had mentioned at the

beginning of our recording that

Kit was going to have some

teeth voluntarily, forcibly

extracted from his skull.

How did...

We'll save the gory details for

the next episode.

But one of the important

questions that I asked Kit's

mother to ask him after he came

out of it all was,

which was worse, having your

wisdom teeth out or watching a

Minecraft movie?

The answer was obvious.

Watching a Minecraft movie was

far, far, far worse.

I wish he was over-exaggerating,

but he actually, like, we went

for a checkup on his teeth

today, for reasons we'll get

into in another episode.

But he talked to the doctor,

and the doctor's like, so, like,

are you on anything for pain?

No.

So, Kit is pretty good with

pain.

So, the fact that it's more

mental anguish to see a

Minecraft movie than it is to

have wisdom tooth surgery says

a lot.

And it's not like Kit's old.

Okay?

So, this is pretty bad.

Just remember, kids, having

surgery is worse than seeing a

Minecraft movie.

No.

Having surgery is less worse.

Oh, yeah, my bad.

Than having, than watching a

Minecraft movie.

I cut that out.

No, no.

You know I'm not going to spend

the time and effort editing.

All right.

So, yeah, that wraps up, like,

our spoiler-rific discussion

about a Minecraft movie.

Oh, my.

We have no idea what we're

going to call this thing yet.

Yeah.

So, the name of the podcast or

whatever this thing is will be

in however you accessed this.

Please do like and share this

and subscribe to the podcast

and send email to the email

address that will definitely be

in the show notes for how you

can communicate with us to let

us know if you like this and if

you want to see more.

Well, hear more because it's a

podcast, not a video podcast.

Yeah.

Although, who knows if Kit

might decide to animate little

bits of it occasionally.

I don't know.

Who knows?

But, but yeah, please do all

the, the things that you need

to do to make podcasts famous

because we would love to be

podcast famous.

So special.

So special.

All right.

Yeah, that's it.

We're done.

The end.

The end.

Bye-bye.

Bye.