So you're going to be toothless
tomorrow.
Yeah.
I'm going to call you toothless
from now on.
Yeah.
We're starting tomorrow.
How do you feel about your impending
date with the knife?
Yay.
You know they're going to give
you drugs, right?
Yeah.
They're going to knock you out?
Yeah.
Are you looking forward to it?
I don't know.
I'm hoping the gas works.
Or whatever they do.
Like, whatever.
They might inject you with
something.
I don't know.
I don't know what methods they're
going to use to torture.
I mean, work on you.
It's like being abducted by
aliens.
Okay?
Except the aliens, like,
actually, like, take some teeth.
So, like, you get knocked out.
You wake up.
You're like, huh?
Like, I don't remember the past
three hours.
And why the hell are my toenails
missing?
Like, just, that's the intended
experience is you get knocked
out.
You wake up.
And the thing that is gone is
gone.
Or the thing that should be
gone is gone.
You know?
That, I think, is the intent.
But I'm kind of hoping.
This does happen sometimes, by
the way.
I'm kind of hoping that you
start coming out of the anesthesia
and you can't think rationally.
Now, don't get me wrong.
I can't think rationally anyway.
You beat me to it.
Damn it.
But, but like, worse than
normal.
I think it would be hilarious
if, like, you come out of it
and you just start, like, rambling
about Minecraft or something.
And it's just like, oh, the
creeper's gonna get me.
The creeper's in my mouth.
You know?
Some stupid junk like that
where you're literally so
impacted by the effects of the
drugs in your system that you
can't respond rationally.
And again, I know you can't
respond rationally, like, in
your own opinion anyway.
But there's a difference
between, you know, not being
able to respond rationally,
like, at your normal
intelligence level.
And not being able to respond
rationally because you're under
the influence of drugs.
And the second...
Or it'll just be exactly the
same as how I usually respond.
Yeah, you'll probably just be
like, eh.
What was it like being knocked
out?
I don't know.
I wasn't conscious.
I was unconscious.
What do you mean, what was it
like being knocked out?
Well, what was it like, you
know, coming out of being
knocked out?
It was like waking up.
Because that's what I did.
I woke up.
Also, the best kind of flowers
are out now.
Oh, the stinky flowers.
Yeah.
Oh my gosh, those flowers are
awful smelling.
Yeah.
Oh.
Oh, I breathed it in.
It doesn't even help if you
only breathe through your mouth.
Yeah, because then you taste it.
Oh my gosh.
I... There's no way to... Like,
it smells and tastes... Not
like death, but just... Bad. Is
what it smells and... Like...
Undescribably bad. Like...
Indescribably horrible.
Yeah, yeah. Like, this is...
Unexplainably horrid.
Like...
Hey, look, there's some flowers.
Oh, boy.
Yeah, so...
Oh...
You know, I still don't regret
us seeing a Minecraft movie,
but it was terrible.
Ah, yes.
And I know it's, like, the
normal thing right now for the
internet to hate on a Minecraft
movie.
But it's not really entirely
hating on it.
No, because it made 500 and
something million dollars in
the first two weeks, which
means you know they're gonna
make a second one now.
I mean, that was already
obvious from the ending.
Yeah, but you can make a cliffhanger
ending and not actually make
another movie. Like, this has
happened before.
Yeah.
Like, it's just meant to be,
like, a cliffhanger to be fun.
But they knew it was gonna be
successful.
Yeah, for babies.
Yeah, and people have already
theorized...
Or people of baby intelligence,
at least.
Like, you know, I understand
kids liking this movie.
And you know what? Like, if I
disconnect my brain enough...
It's okay.
I can find moments that are
funny.
But you have to disconnect any
rational part of your brain.
The minute that you allow the
rational part of your brain to
connect to the movie-watching
part of your brain,
It all falls apart so quickly.
Yeah.
And I'm not saying, like, it
gradually falls apart over time.
I'm saying, like, imagine you're
on a cliff.
And then all of a sudden there's
no cliff and you're falling.
Like, there's no earthquake.
There's no rumbling.
There's not even a magic, like,
noun.
A magic noise of, like, some
magic wand being cast and you
being teleported somewhere.
Slash filer.
Yeah.
It's just...
It's just gone and you're
falling into oblivion.
Yeah.
Oh, I love the chipmunk.
Yay.
Chipmunk.
Anyway, Minecraft movie.
Yeah.
I...
It could have...
It easily could have been
better.
Well, yeah, obviously.
And I'm not even saying, like,
multi-million dollar changes.
I'm saying it easily...
Actually, there are probably
changes that will make it
better and saved money.
Yes.
It easily could have been
better.
Like, you know, not doing all
those...
Not, like, post-processing the
backgrounds and making them
look bad.
When they actually looked okay.
Yeah.
Like, not replacing the actual
backgrounds with some digital
stuff, too.
Although they kept some of the
actual...
Physical stuff.
Yeah.
But at the same time, we know
they replaced most of it.
But to quote Red Letter Media,
they just made it look like barf.
Like, hey, hey, color editor,
what we want you to do is just
turn up the brightness and
contrast to, like, 11.
Yeah.
Make it so unnaturally bright
that it hurts your eyes.
Yeah.
And the only place it doesn't
do that is in the Nether and
somewhat in real life.
But even in real life.
It's too colorful.
I mean, obviously, the Nether
scenes were always the best
scenes.
Yeah.
And, you know, the Technoblade.
Well, yeah, there was the brief
Technoblade reference.
That will be good regardless of
what you do.
Yeah.
Even if it was like a drawing
by a two-year-old, it would
still be the best part of the
movie.
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Because, you know, Technoblade.
Technoblade.
I will confess.
There were two times during the
movie that I teared up.
And they had nothing to do with
the plot of the movie.
Obviously.
Nothing to do with the
characters in the movie.
The first time is I teared up
when they had the Mojang logo
on the screen.
Along with the noise that we're
all used to hearing with the Mojang
logo.
And then you start hearing the
actual music from Minecraft.
I mean, yeah.
Because it's like they made it.
They were the small little
indie game company and they've
made it.
Well, it's not just that.
It's also that, you know, it's
nostalgia.
Yeah.
Like, you just feel.
I mean, although that.
That sound is not.
Is a much newer sound.
I know that it's a newer sound.
But it would be like, you know.
I don't know why they didn't do
this for the Sonic movies.
If they had the Sega opening
and went.
Sega.
I think they did.
Oh, they did.
Okay.
I forgot about that.
Like, that.
I could be misremembering
though.
My memory isn't good.
Like, but that legit.
Like, that type of stuff makes
me tear up a little bit.
All right.
And then, obviously, the Technoblade
reference.
I mean, you can't help but feel
something there.
Yeah.
Like, if you.
And keep in mind, when Technoblade
died, I didn't know who he was.
And I was like, who the hell is
Technoblade?
And then I, like, years later
watched his stuff.
And I'm like, yeah, that guy
was.
That guy was amazingly
hilarious and could kick
everybody's ass in the game.
Yep.
So...
Technoblade reference and
opening.
We'll admit to man tears.
Okay?
Don't judge me.
But the rest of the movie, like,
the only way you would get
tears out of me is if you were
torturing me, like, by, like,
causing physical pain.
Yeah.
Like, you could cry because of
how bad it is.
No, that's giving the movie too
much, like, value.
Yeah.
But...
I'm saying, like, if something
else bad was happening.
And there were really, like,
two characters that were
developed.
Yeah.
And that was Steve, if you can
call Jack Black, playing Jack
Black, developed.
Yeah.
And...
Garrett.
What's his name?
Garrett.
Garrett was the only developed
character.
I don't even count Steve as
developed.
Yeah, because Steve doesn't
really have that much of an arc.
Like, he kind of does, like...
Oh, I'm gonna...
No, I know what his arc is.
What was his arc?
His arc was he is Steve.
Well, no, he goes back to the
real world at the end.
He makes the choice to leave
the Minecraft world.
But, but he's gonna go back.
Well...
In the sequel.
Yeah, yeah.
But the only one that had an
arc and was worth anything was...
Garrett.
Jason Momoa.
And even then...
It wasn't amazing.
It didn't make a ton of sense.
Like...
But he had an arc.
Yeah, he had an arc where they
tried to make it seem as if he
became less selfish.
In a very short time period.
And he became the main
character's father figure.
Oh, by the way, in case we didn't
say it, spoilers.
Yeah.
But also, fuck you.
Because...
Yeah.
This movie, it...
Trash.
The most definition of trash,
by the way.
Now, like, again, this is not a
bad movie like Plan 9 from Outer
Space bad.
This is not like an unintentionally
bad movie or an intentionally
bad movie.
It's not as bad as Side Hacker.
No.
It's not as bad as certain
Mystery Science 3000 movies.
Yeah.
Mystery Science Theater 3000.
Yeah.
How dare you.
Yeah, I know.
How dare I.
But I will say that...
There's nothing to give real
people that have a functioning
intellect...
Not many of those exist anymore.
Yeah, I know.
But there's nothing to give
that...
Like...
Brother and sister...
Supposedly mom died.
We don't even know about dad.
Yeah.
Like, dad might have left the
picture ahead of time.
Probably.
You know, or maybe he pre-deceased
mom.
We don't know.
I'm fairly sure they said
something about him leaving or
something or other.
All we know is 16-year-old girl
who is playing a 19-year-old or
something has custody of her
little brother.
And they're driving in a car.
Unfortunately.
And there's just like a throwaway
comment.
Oh, well...
You know, since mom died, we
have to move to someplace that's
cheaper.
And then there was the, uh,
just like mom made it, you know?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
The tater tot breakfast thing.
And then it was never brought
up again.
Never brought up again.
There was no sadness amongst
either one of them.
About, like...
There was not even a comment of...
Like, kid gets to school, looks
sad, and like somebody's like,
What's wrong with me?
It's like, you know, it's just...
You know, my mom died.
You know, maybe we should...
Now that you brought it up,
maybe we should talk about the
kid, eh?
Remember?
The main character.
Oh, yes.
The bullied...
The quote-unquote main
character that isn't a main
character.
The poor bullied one.
So bullied.
So terribly bullied.
You know, like...
And here's the thing.
You want to know what you do?
Damn it.
I said here's the thing.
I'm sorry.
I'm trying not to say here's
the thing.
I say it too much.
But for reference, I actually
legit got bullied.
Okay?
And by legit get bullied, I
mean, like, people prank called
my house.
People checked me into lockers.
I had pasta and slushies dumped
on me at times.
I got tripped and, like, in the
mud at times.
I got spitballs and spitwads
thrown at me.
All right?
I legit got bullied at times.
All right?
Yeah.
And I'm fine.
I turned out perfectly okay.
Mostly.
Partially.
But...
I think so.
I am a functioning adult.
I will say that.
I have a job.
I pay my bills.
More bills than you should pay.
More bills than I should pay.
You know, spend too much money
sometimes on things like
microphones for podcasts.
Or, you know, Ghostbusters
stuff.
No, the Ghostbusters stuff was
going to happen.
There's no getting around that.
That was going to happen.
Anyway.
Point being, I know what being
bullied is like.
And I know that bullying doesn't
just stay in the school when
you're around the bullies.
They can track you on your
phones and do all sorts of
stuff now.
Fine.
Yeah.
So, they try to set up.
This kid is being bullied.
I mean, in, like, the first 15
minutes of being in real life.
For the first 15 minutes.
And why is he being bullied?
Uh, because the other kids are
stupid and don't know science.
No, no, no.
We got to go to the surface
level of the message of the
movie here.
The very paper thin.
Oh, yeah.
Paper thin message of the movie.
Right, right.
Because he's being creative.
Yes, that's right.
Ladies and gentlemen.
In art class.
Yes.
This kid was drawing something
in art class that was not the
assigned assignment.
And even his teacher was making
fun of him for it.
And the students were like.
So, the kid drew a jetpack.
Yeah.
All right.
Drew a jetpack.
Now, here's the thing.
If you draw a jetpack, fine.
Like.
And then the logical response
of the people in his class was,
first of all, to make fun of
his drawing.
And second of all, to say.
You can't make that.
That can exist in real life.
At which point, kid legit
builds a rocket pack.
Oh, yeah.
Right from the start.
Nothing's happened.
This is like the first five
minutes.
Yeah.
There's no barrier.
Okay.
There's no adversity here.
He literally just starts
gathering junk and building a
jetpack.
Yeah.
It's a throwaway thing.
You know, kid can build a jetpack.
Who cares?
We've got to get to Minecraft
for it.
Yes.
So, kid builds jetpack.
And Bully, first of all, the
entire school and teacher amass
around him outside of the
school for some reason.
Yeah.
As he gets ready to fire this
thing off.
Also, for some reason, Bully
sabotages.
Yeah.
So, Bully sabotages the jetpack
by cutting a single wire on it.
Yeah.
Maybe two.
Jetpack still takes off.
And flies straight up for a
good long while.
Flies straight up for a good
long while, then goes sideways
and blows up the town's potato
chip mascot.
Also, can we, can I just
thought of this.
Can we question how it just so
happened to go up that perfect
distance?
Yeah.
Like, how would it suddenly?
Like, the bullies aren't that
smart.
They went, no.
Ah, yes.
It will go up about, let's see
here, 100 feet.
And then it's going to turn and
go straight.
100 feet.
It was hundreds of feet.
Like, what would happen if the
thing just blew up upon launch?
Yeah.
And like, shrapneled everybody
in the crowd.
Except for our main character.
Well, yeah.
Plot armor.
But, so, we're supposed to feel
bad for this kid.
Who, clearly, is going to be on
the Department of Homeland
Security wanted list.
And then is going to get
recruited by the CIA and or
military industrial complex.
For building a fuel efficient
jet pack.
Yeah.
Yep.
So, we're supposed to feel bad
for him.
Yep.
Sister works at the potato chip
factory that he blew up the
mascot on.
Well, she just got there.
Yeah.
But still.
So, that's a thing.
Yeah.
And then.
And somehow, him blowing up the
potato would have gotten her to
lose her job.
Yeah.
Somehow.
But, like, somehow, the other
part of this is realtor lady.
Realtor lady.
Are we not talking about
Garrett because he's actually
good?
We'll come back to Garrett
because Garrett actually has a
purpose for existence.
Yes.
But, he has a good story.
Yeah.
He has a good character.
Garrett legit has a good story.
But, like, realtor lady.
Realtor lady who also knows how
to handle animals.
Yes.
That's literally who she is.
She is sassy realtor lady that
has one-off statements and is
good with animals in the real
world, which serves no purpose
in the Minecraft world at all.
Yeah.
It still has one purpose.
Yes.
What?
She got the wolves, remember?
Oh, she fed the wolf the bug.
Yeah, yeah.
She got an army of wolves.
Oh.
Wow.
The significance to the plot,
ladies and gentlemen.
The wolf who-
It was a throwaway shot.
Yeah.
The wolf who, like, didn't do-
Oh, no.
That was-
Wait.
That wolf was already tamed
anyway.
Well, there were a bunch at the
end that she tamed.
Oh.
For the final battle.
Oh, for the final battle.
But we're skipping ahead too
much.
We're still talking about the
beginning.
Yeah, yeah.
Let me come back.
Anyway, the reason why I'm not
saying much about Sister is
Sister doesn't do anything.
Yeah.
Not really.
Like, legitimately.
You could have killed Sister
off in the first act and been
fine.
Literally.
Have her get blown out.
Like, she-
No, no, no.
She did the only thing she did
to contribute to the entire
plot of the movie.
She insulted her little brother.
Yeah.
She insulted her little brother
in what was supposed to be an
emotional, you betrayed me type
of moment.
Which it wasn't.
But it wasn't.
And, because you already don't
care about the brother because
he's like-
OP.
Super genius OP.
And so, like, she just makes,
like, a half-hearted, angry-ish
type of comment.
Like, you always cause problems
with your inventions and your
creativity.
Yeah, I don't even remember
what it was.
It was so forgettable.
And then at the end, of course,
she apologizes for what she
said.
But it really didn't have an
impact on anything.
Like, guy-boy character doesn't
even have an arc in the
Minecraft world.
Like, it's not like he built
anything overly significant.
He built a tower.
And a tater tot gun.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
The tater tot gun.
The remarkable creation that is
a tater tot gun.
And he made the thing at the
end that we're not going to
talk about yet.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, bad guy was good.
I heard some reviewers say,
like, actress for bad person
character was not good actress.
I thought she was fine.
Yeah.
Like, that was...
Her backstory was a bit goofy.
Yeah.
The backstory was stupid.
I appreciate the pig step,
though.
Yeah.
Backstory was stupid.
But she was a good villain.
Yeah.
Like, just straight up good
villain.
I wish we got more of her.
Yeah.
But we didn't.
And again, they could have
easily fixed her arc and made
her have an arc.
Yeah.
But they didn't.
Yeah.
And I will again point out that
it's just the seer from
Minecraft Legends, but more
personality-ish.
Yes.
If you can call it personality.
So, finally we get to...
We have to talk about Gert.
Yes, that's where we were going.
Oh, well, wait.
We never talked about the
opening scene.
Oh, you mean the five minutes
of narration straight?
Yeah, from Jack Black.
Yeah.
Jack Black narrating as Jack
Black, playing Jack Black in
the most Jack Black-iest way
that you could potentially Jack
Black.
Yeah.
Like, if you've seen Kung Fu
Panda, alright?
If you've seen Kung Fu Panda,
or you've seen any of other
Jack Black-y, like, family...
Except for Jumanji.
Yeah, except for Jumanji.
But, like, any standard family
Jack Black, or even, like, his
Orange County, I believe, was
the name of the movie Roll.
You know, if you took the
craziest Jack Black that you
saw in any of these movies,
multiplied him times a thousand,
then stewed all a thousand Jack
Blacks, and distilled the
essence down to purest possible
Jack Black, that's what this
movie is.
Yeah.
There's nothing to say about
him, except every line, somehow,
is over the top.
Yeah.
Every single...
Especially when he says the
name of things.
Wait, when he says, oh, the, uh,
the name of things.
The names of things, yes.
All the trailer moments.
Yeah.
Which all the kids in the movie
theater were saying along with
the movie, which I was like...
The only moment that I approved
of these kids and their parents
talking was when they said,
Technoblade, Technoblade.
Like, then, you know, my heart
went a little bit soft there.
You know?
But, but, but, but it's still
kind of an insult after all of
them, after they kept saying
all the lines.
Yeah.
That Jack Black stuff.
All the lines from the trailer.
All of them.
Yeah.
Every trailer line.
Even though they did modify one
of the shots from the trailer
compared to the actual...
Yeah, I think it was still the
same voice line, though.
Yeah.
It was just a different shot.
It was just, it was just a
different take.
Yeah.
But, but...
So, like, in the exact same
voice line.
Jason Momoa.
Well, I, I, I do want to talk
about the, the, the opening a
little bit more.
Okay, go ahead.
Jack Black, he, he narrates
about how he was a child and
yearned for the lines and, and
couldn't do it.
Because...
For reasons.
No, no children allowed.
No children allowed in the,
well, actually, that's a good
rule.
Yeah.
No children allowed in the
mines.
Fine.
But there's no reason when he
turned 18 that he couldn't have
gone back and be like, yo.
Yeah.
Give me a job as a minor.
Nah, nah.
You see, he had to go and take
that soul-sucking office job,
you know?
Yeah, soul-sucking corporate
job.
That, that was kind of funny.
Yeah, that was.
But it was annoying that it was
all narration, so it wasn't
that funny.
Yeah, it would have been more
funny if you just, like, saw
him, like, cut to a scene of
him just sitting there brooding
over, like, his computer.
And then just, like, doing the
internet table flip thing and
just, like, running out.
Or, or you could have, or you
could have it be, like, uh, the,
the computer has something that,
that shows, are you tired of
your job?
Do you find your soul leaving
your body because how much your
job sucks?
Yeah, or, like, even, look, if
you wanted to do it right,
heaven forbid, you actually
have, like, him see something
about, like,
you know, how, like, heroic
miners saved, like, you know,
kid that tripped and fell, or,
you know, something about
mining.
And it re-triggers his memory
about how much, like, he hates
his job and how he wants to be
a miner.
Like, you could have planted
that seed there.
And, and also, when he does go
to the mine, it's kind of
stupid that the old guy still,
like, tries to get him to go
away.
I feel like it would have been
better if there was, like, a
nod of somewhat respect and
then he stands aside.
Why would you still go after
this, like, middle-aged man?
Well, obviously, like, the old
man has, hasn't aged and gotten
older, first of all.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
Second of all, like, I get, it's,
it's thematic.
It's supposed to represent, you
know, the man preventing him
from being, you know, the
person he truly wants to be.
But, but.
I, I think you're looking too
deep into it.
Yeah.
It was meant to be funny.
It also got sold in, like, the
problem got solved in such the
stupidest way.
Like, you would think, like,
some kind of epic battle
between the two.
Or, like, some kind of, like,
the old man takes a swing at
him and is too old and
therefore, you know, Jack Black
just looks pitifully at him.
Like, you're, oh, stupid old
man and walks by.
No.
Instead, Jack Black jukes him
out in a very stupid way.
Yep, just dodges around him.
That's it.
Well, why couldn't you have
done that when you were a kid?
Oh, no, no.
Was the pickaxe slowing you
down?
He wasn't smart enough then.
Are you sure he was smart
enough now?
Shut up.
Anyway, so, let's, let's talk
about, you talked about the
opening and, oh, and obviously
you would think the narration
ends once again in Minecraft
world, but no.
He has to then explain how he
got, how he opened a portal to
the nether and got captured by
the, what's it?
Piglins.
By the piglins and how they
kidnapped his dog and all this
stuff.
Yes, dog.
Very important.
Yes, dog was so important.
Dennis.
Very important.
Dennis.
Very important.
So important.
So much merch.
So much merch with Dennis.
I felt, I felt so attached to
Dennis that I just wanted him
to get hit by a car.
Oh, wait.
Anyway.
That was part of the beginning.
So we should talk about how no
one notices the blocky, curse
looking Minecraft dog.
Oh, it's just a stray dog on
the street.
Because the dog escapes into
the real world with the crystal
thing.
Yeah.
Orb of dominance.
Orb of dominance crystal thing
for teleportation.
But the point being, dog goes
to the real world with it.
And, um, yeah, it's just
hanging around this town in
Idaho.
Yep.
And, like, it's literally, like,
right near the town sign.
Like, for the name of the town
or the name of the factory of
the town.
Whatever it was.
And, like, nobody notices this
really disturbing, like, mutant
of a dog.
Let's be honest here, though.
Everyone's too busy looking at
their phones to notice.
Everybody is too stupid in this
movie.
Yeah.
Obvious.
Period.
Obvious.
So, now that we've covered the
ten minutes of narration at the
beginning of the movie.
Garrett.
The best character.
The garbage man.
The Garrett, the garbage man garrison.
So, this guy.
Wow, you remembered his last
name.
I couldn't even remember it.
That is right.
I didn't even remember it.
You're welcome, sir.
Round of applause, everybody.
Thank you.
All right.
Anyway.
I guess you could have, you
could say that I have a memory
for trashy things.
Uh-huh.
I mean, it is a, it is a 3G
name.
Yeah.
It's very, it's, it's, it's.
Alliteration.
Yeah.
Anyway.
So, this guy was, like, a video
game all-star back in the days
of arcades.
Yep.
He, he, he played, uh, Street
Fighter Knockoff.
Except it's not called that.
But, it's Street Fighter Knockoff.
Yep.
Street Fighter Knockoff.
And he won the championship by
using one move.
Yeah.
That got him the nickname, the
Garbage Man.
Yeah.
It was, like, the Garbage Slam
or garbage.
Yeah.
Something like that.
Something stupid like that.
But, like, also, they mentioned
that it was, like, a two-player,
like, co-op game.
Yeah.
And that didn't go anywhere.
Yeah.
Like, which is really weird.
I mean, it kind of did at the
end, but not really.
Yeah, but not really.
Because that was just his
general arc.
Anyway, so, he's, like, living
in the past.
All he really cares about is
that he was this famous guy.
He runs a retro game store.
He runs a retro game store, but
that retro game store is still
largely focused on him.
Like, he goes to, like, storage,
like, facility, like, bet
things, or, like, auctions to
try to get, like, classic game
memorabilia and stuff.
Yeah.
That he can sell.
And thus, this is how the main
cast comes into contact with
Orb of Dominance after stupid
interaction with Garret and
main character.
Yeah, he gets it from, like, a
storage thing, and then the
main boy character, like, shows
up and sees it.
And the guy's, like, I will
teach you how to be cool, or
whatever it is, or how to
dominate, you know?
I give lessons, like, as a
washed-up person in how to do
this, as a washed-up man-child.
Yep.
And he's generally just
intentionally dumb.
Yeah.
But he has the most heart to
him.
Like, you almost, and I use the
term almost, you almost kind of,
sort of, maybe have an inkling
of a slight tingle of pity for
him.
Yeah.
Okay?
Maybe a tiny bit.
Yeah.
But he's also, like, he only
cares about himself, so you
also kind of dislike him at the
same time.
Yeah.
You dislike him, but, like, you
also see that his life is
falling apart, he's getting
kicked out, whatever.
Yeah.
And, obviously, in the end,
like, he has to make a choice
not to be selfish and to make
sacrifices.
Supposedly.
And then, of course, you know,
his sacrifice is made
meaningless because he comes
back.
Yeah.
Which is, you know, obvious.
Yeah.
Of course that's going to
happen.
Right, right.
So, so, characters go, go to
Minecraft land.
Our four main characters go to
Minecraft land.
Yes.
Oh, yeah, yeah, that's right.
Realtor lady somehow got roped
into this.
Yeah.
Because, because, remember, she
somehow knew that that main
character kid blew up the
potato, even though she wasn't
there.
Oh, yeah, that was the other
thing.
Like, everybody knows that the
kid was responsible for blowing
up the potato on the potato
chip factory, except for his
sister who works there.
Yeah, yeah, even though, really,
no one could really know unless
they happened to be recording,
because it happened really
quickly.
Yeah.
Like, what, you're going to
catch the after effect of the
explosion?
Yeah.
What, did the school put out
some kind of thing online about,
hey, this kid blew up the
potato?
Yep.
It was headline news.
It was villager news.
All right.
Anyway.
If they had villager news, it
would have been decent.
Yes, that's true.
Anyway, they, they, they, they
put the orb together.
It calls them to the mine.
Or something.
And they end up in Minecraft
world.
Hooray, movie's over.
Um, no.
They end up in Minecraft world.
Um.
Brainiac bullied kid who, you
know, is being bullied.
Immediately, without any
introduction to anything,
figures out crafting.
Well, well, no.
Okay.
Let's start this off simple.
Uh, Garrett tries to talk to a
sheep because he knows it's a
video game world somehow.
And thinks that...
The sheep is the NPC.
Yeah.
The sheep is the quest giver.
It's going to get the quest.
Uh, yeah.
So stupid.
Uh, and then night comes.
Yeah.
Which the first night scene,
like the first half of it.
The first night was like one of
the better parts of the movie.
Yeah.
We'll say.
It looks good.
It was ominous.
You know, they had to build a
tower.
Yeah.
Well, okay.
So, so I'm just going to go
through this step by step
because it's very simple.
Uh.
I think characters get
separated at one point because
Garrett falls into a hole.
Yeah, Garrett wants to get the,
Garrett also wants to get the
orb thing.
Yeah, and he does.
And he breaks the crystal part
of the orb.
Uh, well, technically a
skeleton shoots it.
So.
Even so.
A bunch of.
It's Garrett's fault.
A bunch of spider jockeys with
skeletons with flame bows
because we have to have all the
visual effects.
Yeah, all of them.
Uh.
They start attacking.
Creeper was better than I
thought, by the way.
Yeah, but the way it worked was
stupid.
Yeah, it was.
Uh, so, so Garrett gets blown
up by a creeper at one point.
Remember the friendly creepers
in the quote unquote creeper
farm?
Uh, we can't talk about that
yet.
We haven't got mad.
Well, we don't, we also don't
have much time.
So.
Yeah, okay.
I will speed run through the
first night.
Uh.
Main character.
Worst speed run ever.
Main character kid hits block
of wood.
Figures out how to break wood.
Makes, makes tower.
Uh.
Zombies get up somehow.
Uh.
They can't spawn up there
because there are players too
close so they couldn't spawn.
But they did spawn up there.
They randomly showed up at one
point.
I know, but it don't make sense
because moms can spawn within a
certain distance.
It doesn't need to make sense.
It's a movie.
We gotta throw stuff and keep
the kids occupied.
Oh, wait.
Actually, I remember.
Uh, a skeleton shoots a creeper
with the flame arrow so it ignites
it, which isn't how it works.
But you can't light a creeper
with flint and steel, so.
Flint and steel!
Uh, uh.
Steve shows up, uh, kicks
zombies with his bare hands.
They all get set on fire.
Wait, he kicked them with his
bare hands?
Don't you kick with your bare
feet?
He kicked them with his bare
hands.
Okay.
He's Jack Black.
That's how he works.
Alright, do go on.
Uh, all the zombies get set on
fire.
We meet Steve.
We go to Midport Village.
The place with all the cursed
villagers and desert.
And lava chicken.
And desert villagers.
All the trees.
Oh, no.
Desert villagers and snowy
villagers in a plains village.
For some reason.
Yeah, whatever.
And we have our Technoblade
moment, which is the best
moment of the movie.
Yeah.
Other than the end.
That, that is a legend.
Yes.
Uh, so, so we have Steve's lava
chicken theme song.
Which a lot of people are also
remixing.
Yeah, we've seen remixes with
bass.
We've seen remixes on piano.
I, I've seen.
I saw a remix that, that was
lava chicken megalovania.
Yeah, this is.
From Undertale.
Yeah, this is gonna, you know,
they're gonna have lava chicken
pop-up shops at some point.
You know it's coming.
There's gonna be Steve.
Uh, lava chicken also is
something that does exist.
And it actually looks pretty
tasty.
But, but not, not like movie.
No, not like the lava chicken
from the movie.
It doesn't look like that.
Okay.
Alright.
It kind of looks like that, but
not the same.
Okay.
Do go on.
So, so we get lava chicken.
And then, uh.
Piglin attack.
They, they drink nether wart.
And the, the, the, the, the big
chungus.
Oh, chungus.
I like chungus.
Yeah, chungus was, was kind of
funny.
He's just like a big, dumb,
like nice, like he's a bad guy,
but he's nice about it.
Yeah.
Like.
And then he dies.
Yeah.
I mean, he, he was incompetent.
I mean, yeah, but, but you
gotta keep the incompetent
general around.
No, no you don't.
Yeah.
I mean, come on.
If the bad guy is willing to
kill a child for drawing a
picture.
Yeah.
I mean.
Like straight up child murder.
Maybe, maybe a child, it could
just be a small piglin.
Look, look, no.
It's straight up child murder.
Okay.
And you know, I wholeheartedly
approve of that in this movie.
I think every Minecraft and
kids friendly movie needs to
have child murder.
Orphan murder.
That, that, that piglin was an
orphan.
Okay.
All right.
Fine.
Okay.
Technoblade reference for those
that don't know.
We, we do not technically
advocate for the murder of orphans.
Yeah.
So, so some piglins attack and
the two girls get split up from
all the guys because the guys
use a light room wing suit.
Oh, you forgot about the fact
that the, the, in, in between
there at some point, that's
when
like sister has moment with.
Yeah.
And they go to the crafting
table area.
And Garrett can't craft
anything and thinks he's better.
He makes buckets.
Chuckets or whatever.
Yeah.
And kid makes the, and kid
makes the potato gun.
Potato gun.
And then Garrett tries to beat
up the chungus with, with the
buckets and he fails miserably.
Fails.
And also knocks out Steve in
the process because he's just
that bad.
Yeah.
And then they have to go on an
adventure to get, well, first
of all, they have to get the,
they have to go to, well, what
is it?
The, the, the, the Woodland
Mansion.
Woodland Mansion.
Because Garrett broke the earth
crystal.
But they got to stop to get
diamonds first.
Because Garrett broke.
Because Garrett wants money.
Garrett broke.
Garrett wants money.
And, and of course, that's when
we encounter one of the dumbest
moments of the entire movie,
which is the in cave creeper
farm.
Ah, yes.
The creeper farm, you know,
where you, it's, it's just a
bunch of creepers in the cave.
No, no strategy required
whatsoever.
Yeah.
And they're, they're also
passive, passive, unless you
actually hit them.
Yeah.
If you hit them, they'll blow
up and they won't really try to
hurt you.
They don't try to hurt you.
Yeah.
I mean, like, and do you know
what?
Like, I would love to have a
world where creepers, like, are
friendly and are your friends.
Play Minecraft Legends, eh?
Yeah.
They're friendly in that.
Yeah.
Like, where they're your
friends and you could hug them
and have one as a pet.
Like, I'm fine with that.
But not here.
Like, it doesn't work.
Yeah.
This is, this is modern
Minecraft world.
Why are, why are creepers
friendly?
So, they get the thing and
ladies are wandering in the
woods.
Find Steve's dog.
Oh, well, I, I, I, I, uh, don't,
don't forget Monster Piglin Abomination.
And then the mission attacks
them in the mines.
And they kill it.
And then she, they, they
somehow, they make another one
at random.
Yeah.
Also, uh, Enderman scene.
Yes.
Enderman scene where, where.
That was cool.
Yeah.
Hero, hero kid, uh, looks into
the Enderman's eyes and, and,
uh, purple eyed versions of all
of his friends.
Yeah.
It mind, it messes with his
mind.
Which actually would have been
good if you actually cared
about what these other
characters
said negatively about the kid
and believed it.
Also, that was when Hero Brian
showed up.
Uh, Steve had white eyes
instead of purple.
Uh, well, also.
Which I didn't notice.
And of course, while that's
going on, what we have actually,
what was, in my opinion, a
creative use of the Enderman.
Uh, that's where chicken jockey
happens.
Uh, yeah, uh, kid kills the Enderman
in a really anticlimactic
battle because the Enderman
should have teleported behind
him but didn't.
Yep.
Uh, uh, kid falls, uh, into the
arena where Garrett and Steve,
well, just Garrett, actually.
Steve's all tied up at the
moment.
Yeah.
Uh, Garrett, Garrett has to
fight a chicken jockey.
It's so stupid.
So, so stupid.
Yeah.
And it falls in multiple times,
which is even more stupid.
Yep.
And then Steve just kicks it.
Yep.
Yeah, Steve gets free, kicks it,
and it falls over and cries.
Then they leave.
I do think it was creative to
use that, uh, room in the
mansion because there is a room.
Yeah, that was cool.
There is a room like that and
having it be an Illager Fight
Club makes sense, so.
Yeah, that was kind of cool,
yeah.
But then they leave this, they
meet up with the girls.
Uh, and then a bunch of piglins
attack and they, and they all
have blocks of TNT and are
gonna, uh.
And Garrett sacrifices himself
to save the others.
Supposedly.
He sacrifices himself.
You know, he stays behind and
he says that he loves luau's
because luau's, you know, you
cook and eat pig.
Yeah.
So, he stays behind and fights.
They all get into their-
Gas hot air balloon.
Their friendly gas balloon.
What's the name of that feature?
Happy gas.
Yeah.
They get into their happy gas
balloon.
It wasn't really a happy gas.
It was still one of the not
happy ones.
But, but, but for, for all intents
and purposes, it was a happy
gas.
Yeah.
They, they took control.
All right.
So, so then they go back to try
to save the village.
And I don't even remember how
this junk got resolved except
that Garrett comes back at some
point.
I don't remember.
No, never fear.
I remember how this horrible
movie ends.
Oh, no.
So, uh, kid, you know, the, the
super OP kid, he, he comes up
with a plan.
Oh, yes.
That's right.
They're, they're gonna fight
off the piglin invasion with
the power of creativity.
Oh, that's right.
This was that lame, like,
friendship was the reward the
entire time.
Yeah, so, so.
Or love was the superpower the
entire time.
Also, let's, let's just point
out really quick, uh, there's
boots of swiftness from
Minecraft Dungeons somehow.
Um, yep.
That, that's a thing.
Uh, so they use that and they,
they get a bunch of carved
pumpkins and iron and, uh, realtor
lady tames a bunch of wolves.
Yeah.
And, and the piglins, they,
they make a portal and they use
the orb of dominance to make an
eternal night, just like in
Minecraft Legends.
So, they start.
Oh, that's right.
And then kid gets on top of
tower to try to get orb.
Yeah.
So, so you have leader, you
have leader iron golem that has
boots of swiftness, uh, and.
Yeah.
That's what made that iron golem
special is it was made with
boots of swiftness instead of
head.
Yeah.
Instead of a pumpkin.
Which, which.
Yeah.
You can't really replace the,
the, the, the head with boots.
That doesn't make sense.
Well, it doesn't, let's move
forward.
Yeah.
So, the movie's going really
fast at this point.
We gotta hurry up.
Leader iron golem fights the,
the, the big monster piglin
that I forgot the name of
because it's from Minecraft
Legends anyway.
Monster, monster, monstrosity
piglin.
Whatever.
Uh, uh, uh, all the iron golems
fight the piglins.
Uh, the wolves fight the piglins.
Uh, kid gets up on top of tower
but the, the, the big evil piglin,
uh, shoots him and he starts to
fall.
And then Garrett comes flying
in on a gas balloon and saves
him.
Yeah, and then, you know, so
Steve fights, what's her face,
the bad guy.
Mal Gosha.
Yeah, and he fights her.
And you know what?
And they get, they get.
This is another simple change
that would have fixed this.
They, they get the orb and all
the piglins start to zombify.
Yes.
Except for the two next to Mal
Gosha for some reason.
Yeah.
Anyway, uh, yeah, you get to do
your part.
Okay, so my thing is that this
ending could have been good.
But it wasn't.
So, the good ending, which
wouldn't have cost any more to
make, would be.
Oh, wait, actually, we should,
we should say what Mal Gosha.
Yeah.
Backstory.
So, Mal Gosha's backstory is
she was in a dance competition.
It's Nether's Got Talent.
Nether's Got Talent.
And everybody booed her off the
stage, even though she was a
good dancer.
Eh, she was okay.
Yeah, she was okay enough.
You know, they shouldn't have
been booing her off the stage.
But they, they booed her
because creativity.
Yeah.
Which, to me, I'm like, then
why would you have Nether's Got
Talent?
I mean, it wasn't really
because of creativity, but I
think that's the message.
But that's the message.
So, anyway.
And then, and then her dad has
her gold mine for gold.
Yeah.
Because that's what piglins do.
That's what piglins do.
They like gold.
You know, you're a
disappointment to me, daughter,
because you like dance.
Go mine.
Go mine gold.
Go yearn for the mines.
Yearn for the mines.
You know, slave labor.
Anyway.
So, the point being, though.
The ideal ending, in my opinion,
would be for Steve to say to me.
Well, you should say it would
be the normal ending.
No, I will reveal the normal
ending after the good ending.
Okay.
So, the good ending would have
been the following.
Steve's defeated her.
Yeah.
So, Steve's defeated her.
Yeah.
She's feeling all sad.
Like, she just wanted to take
over the world and, like, make
her father proud and all this
stuff.
Yeah.
She just wants to create safety.
And then, Steve says to her,
you know, isn't there something
that you ever just wanted to do
or be?
Because you can be that here.
Let me help you to be what you
want to be.
And then, he lifts her up.
He builds a stage.
And she does her dance.
And everybody in the overworld
applauds her.
And, like, she becomes, like, a
dance teacher or whatever.
Okay.
That would have been the good
ending.
Now, we must say what the
original ending is.
The rule ending is he defeats
her.
She starts to zombify.
And she says, come here.
I want to talk with you.
And he's like, you're just
going to try to stab me, aren't
you?
And she's like, no, no, I swear.
I'm not going to.
And, like, she tries to stab
him and is too weak.
And then, like, so he starts to
go away.
And she says it again.
Yeah.
And she tries to stab him.
And that is when the
microphones randomly decided.
To stop recording.
Yay.
So, the file was there.
And it has, like, eight minutes
of missing audio.
Yay.
So, it is now a few days later.
Actually, two days later from
our initial recording.
And we're cooking dinner and
boiling water for pasta.
And so, we figured, let's make
up for where we left off.
So, where we left off, we were
talking about the fact that
what's-her-face was...
Malgosia.
Yeah, Malgosia tries to kill
Steve, like, a few times.
A few times.
And then dissolves into puddle.
Falls over and dies.
Yeah.
And it was such a missed
opportunity.
Because, like I had said, you
could have something good
happen.
Like, she was the best
character in the movie.
Aside from Garrett.
Garrett the carrot.
Yeah.
That's it.
Like, it was a-
The ending was a complete letdown.
Yeah.
Oh, and then they go back to
the real world and-
Stuff.
Their lives are all better now.
Because-
Somehow.
They fought adversity.
Like, oh, genius kid builds his
jetpack again and it works.
And then the CIA takes him away.
Yeah.
And sister starts, like, an
exercise?
Uh, some kind of a-
Fight club?
Fighting training camp thing.
And Garrett and Steve do their
retro game thing and-
Music.
Make a game and music.
Yeah.
And then what does-
What does Pointless Lady do?
Uh, Pointless Lady did
something.
Got a better realtor job and
has Dennis now.
Still no one notices Creepy Dog.
Yeah.
Yep.
So, um, the movie was pointless.
Yeah.
I mean, I-
Look, I will openly state the
following, at least.
Even if you're an adult with a
functioning brain, um, you can
find some funny-ish moments.
Like, if I turned my rational
brain off, I could laugh at
this movie.
Because lots of dumb jokes.
Yeah.
But I have to turn my rational
brain off to do it.
And the problem is, is you
really have to turn off your
rational brain to do it.
Like, the quote-unquote arc and
story of this movie is so paper-thin
that, like, single-ply Scott
toilet paper holds up better.
Yeah.
I mean, it's pretty terrible.
So, I have to agree with what
Filza said when he reviewed
this.
And Filza, for those that don't
know, is somebody that's a
Minecraft YouTuber, you know?
Twitch streamer.
Twitch.
I can't even talk straight.
Anyway.
Um, and he's in his 30s.
So, he's, you know, close
enough to my age where I
respect his opinion.
Unlike most YouTubers and
Twitch streamers.
So, um, he said basically the
only good way to watch it is if
you're watching it with people,
can pause it and make fun of it.
And that's basically why we
went in.
We couldn't pause it and make
fun of it.
But we were making fun of it
the whole time.
Yeah.
The whole time.
So, like, this is the type of
movie that if you're of age to
consume adult beverages or
other adult substances that may
or may not have an impact on
your brain.
This is the type of movie that
you consume those adult
beverages or other adult
substances and watch so that
you can pause it and make fun
of it.
It's not even worthy of, like,
it's not bad enough to be
worthy of Mystery Science
Theater 3000, like we said
during our walk.
But it's the worst kind of
popular tripe movie.
I don't know what else to say
about it.
It's just awful.
I got it.
My wisdom teeth.
Oh, yes.
It is.
It is a couple of days later.
And we had mentioned at the
beginning of our recording that
Kit was going to have some
teeth voluntarily, forcibly
extracted from his skull.
How did...
We'll save the gory details for
the next episode.
But one of the important
questions that I asked Kit's
mother to ask him after he came
out of it all was,
which was worse, having your
wisdom teeth out or watching a
Minecraft movie?
The answer was obvious.
Watching a Minecraft movie was
far, far, far worse.
I wish he was over-exaggerating,
but he actually, like, we went
for a checkup on his teeth
today, for reasons we'll get
into in another episode.
But he talked to the doctor,
and the doctor's like, so, like,
are you on anything for pain?
No.
So, Kit is pretty good with
pain.
So, the fact that it's more
mental anguish to see a
Minecraft movie than it is to
have wisdom tooth surgery says
a lot.
And it's not like Kit's old.
Okay?
So, this is pretty bad.
Just remember, kids, having
surgery is worse than seeing a
Minecraft movie.
No.
Having surgery is less worse.
Oh, yeah, my bad.
Than having, than watching a
Minecraft movie.
I cut that out.
No, no.
You know I'm not going to spend
the time and effort editing.
All right.
So, yeah, that wraps up, like,
our spoiler-rific discussion
about a Minecraft movie.
Oh, my.
We have no idea what we're
going to call this thing yet.
Yeah.
So, the name of the podcast or
whatever this thing is will be
in however you accessed this.
Please do like and share this
and subscribe to the podcast
and send email to the email
address that will definitely be
in the show notes for how you
can communicate with us to let
us know if you like this and if
you want to see more.
Well, hear more because it's a
podcast, not a video podcast.
Yeah.
Although, who knows if Kit
might decide to animate little
bits of it occasionally.
I don't know.
Who knows?
But, but yeah, please do all
the, the things that you need
to do to make podcasts famous
because we would love to be
podcast famous.
So special.
All right.
Yeah, that's it.
We're done.
The end.
Bye-bye.
Bye.