I wonder if vampires are
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misunderstood.
Like, what if vampires aren't
actually, like, human bloodsuckers?
Maybe, like, they're deficient
and can't generate their own
blood.
And maybe, you know, they have
very sensitive skin that just,
like, gets sunburned real easy.
Yeah, but if you drink someone's
blood, that doesn't give it to
you.
Yeah, well, that's true.
So then, like, I mean, what if
they felt like the only way
that they could get blood was
to drink human blood and then...
So you're saying they're
psychopaths?
Well, I'm saying they didn't
know any better at the time.
Like, imagine it's the 1700s,
1800s, 1500s, whatever the
situation is.
All they know is, like, for
whatever reason, I feel better
when I drink human blood.
Like, what if they have some
illness that requires them to
consume blood to survive?
And they don't know the
difference between human blood
and, say, like, cow blood or
animal blood.
I mean, I don't know why they
jump to just consuming human
blood.
But, I mean, who's to say?
Really, who is to say that they,
you know...
They just needed to survive.
And maybe we're just looking at
them wrongly.
I mean, they're just trying to
survive.
That's all they're trying to do
is just to live.
I mean, can we really blame
them for trying to live?
Yeah, but then how do they get
their mansions if they don't
have jobs?
Well, maybe the whole mansion
thing is, you know, just a
product of Hollywood.
And why would they sleep in
coffins?
But, again, that could just be
a product of Hollywood.
We don't know that they didn't
sleep in beds.
And why can't they come into
your house unless you invite
them in?
But, again, that's Hollywood.
Nobody has proved this.
Has anyone proven that they
exist?
I mean, that's up for debate.
Let's not go down the path of
do they exist or not.
I mean, I think there's enough
folklore out there to say that
we believe they exist.
Whether or not they actually do
is another story.
But I will not say that your
question is without merit.
I mean, that's like saying, you
know...
Are werewolves real?
Or is Sasquatch slash Bigfoot
real?
Narwhals are real.
What?
Narwhals are real.
Well, yeah, narwhals are
definitely real.
That's been proven time and
again.
Ah, yes.
But my mother didn't know that.
Who didn't know that?
My mom didn't know that.
Oh, no!
Also, she didn't know that axolotls
are real.
Well, yeah, they're like a type
of salamander.
Yeah.
They're an exibian.
They're...
I think.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think they're an exibian.
Yeah.
They live in both places.
Or they grow in one place and
then move to another.
I don't know.
They're the same thing as frogs,
I guess.
Except cuter.
Way cuter than frogs.
Kind of.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So now that we're done talking
about cryptids...
And animals say exist.
Then some forgot to exist.
Yes.
So Kit and I, and actually more
Kit than me, we finally
discovered...
I won't even say we came up
with...
Okay, we're going to go that
way.
Aren't you enjoying this riveting
conversation about directionality,
dear listeners?
Isn't directionality really the
core of all of our beings?
Are we talking about political
directionality?
No, no.
Let's not talk about political
directionality.
Because political directionality
is a farce anyway.
So, anyway.
Birch.
So we're in episode three.
Birch.
Or recording three.
Birch tree.
So recording number three.
And there's been an ongoing
question over the first couple
of episodes, which is, what the
heck is this?
What are we going to call it?
Et cetera.
Cheese.
Why do you always answer cheese?
Is this going to be a running
thing with you?
I like cheese.
I'm sure you do.
And I'm sure that the entire
waking world is just so excited
to hear that bunny.
Yay, bunny.
It doesn't care.
Yeah.
The bunny doesn't care.
Or it thinks that we don't see
it if it sits still.
Well, it's probably good that
it thinks that we don't see it.
We don't want to scare the
bunny.
Or it just got used to the
humans.
Yeah.
So this whole thing started.
So Kit and I, when the weather's
nice, sometimes like to take a
short to medium to excessively
long walk.
By excessively long, our record
to date was 17 miles in a day.
17 point something.
And that was painful.
But during our walks, we have
these amazing conversations.
And we're like, hey, these are
funny.
We should record them.
And then we sat down behind a
couple of microphones in my
bedroom and tried to reproduce
what happens naturally when we're
walking.
And how would you describe that
experience?
No.
No.
Yeah, it kind of sucked because
it felt forced.
And so about a year later now,
I received an email from the
company that has made my mixer
and the microphone and
everything else that I use for
audio stuff.
And they're like, hey, we have
this deal on our smallest set
of microphones.
And guess what?
It turned out that the deal
didn't apply to this set of
microphones because they're too
small.
But it doesn't matter.
I thought that it applied.
And I was like, you know what?
It was the push I needed to
make an extra purchase that I
didn't need to make.
Yay.
And so I bought these wireless
microphones that connect into
my cell phone so that we can
actually capture our
conversations while we're
walking.
Or even like if we're in my
apartment and in the living
room of the apartment, it just
feels more natural.
So if it sounds like there's a
highway driving through our
conversations, it's because
there is.
You know, the paths that we
walk.
Or just a road with a bunch of
motorcycles going by.
Yeah, but point being, the
paths we tend to walk on are
sometimes near crowded traffic
areas.
So we'll try to remove as much
noise as possible.
If you're looking for high
quality audio isolation and
compression and whatnot, this
is not the podcast for you.
In fact, this might not really
be a podcast for anyone.
Except for us.
And maybe your friends.
Yeah, I mean, we'll share it
with people.
But like, I don't know.
Some of the conversations that
we have are probably going to
be very...
Offensive.
Offensive.
I wasn't going to say offensive,
just niche.
And offensive.
Fine.
Offensive.
Offend all the people.
All right.
But one of the problems that we've
had as we've started doing this...
Now that you have a sense of
the premise of the show, it's
just basically a father and son
having random ass conversations.
Sometimes about something.
Sometimes about nothing.
Sometimes about the very nature
of nothingness.
And sometimes it's this dumb
idea for a thing we'll never do.
Yeah, exactly.
Like, just random ideas that
other people can then steal but
give us credit.
You know, just like...
Or just steal.
Give us 1% of the gross.
That's all we ask.
All right?
If we have a really good idea
and you're like, holy cow, we
can make billions on this.
Just give us 1%.
That's all we ask.
Not 5%.
Well, if they're feeling
generous, 5%.
But I mean, 1% of a billion is
still a lot.
But, yeah.
So, the entire purpose of this
is just to naturally capture
the random weird stuff that we
discuss
while we're walking or hanging
out in the living room or
whatever
without having to be encumbered
by a formal recording setup or
show notes or a script.
And if you like that, we'll
have ways that you can donate
to give us money.
Because, hey, it still takes
work.
But, like, if you like what we're
doing, if you get value from it,
then by all means show value in
return.
I mean, we take money.
We also take money.
And for a change of pace, we
also take money.
But game codes and other stuff
are, you know, welcome too.
Movie codes.
Milkshakes.
What would you accept?
I would accept cheese.
God damn it.
You walked into it again.
Now, when it came to naming
this whatever, we were both
kind of stumped.
Because despite the fact that...
I don't think we were dead
trees.
Oh.
Despite the fact that Kit is an
extremely creative person who
can do anything from music
creation to animation to...
Friday night funk and mods.
These are lies.
Yeah, yeah.
These are lies.
But anyway.
Definitely.
He couldn't come up with
anything.
And I, being a semi-creative...
I couldn't come up with
anything either.
So...
We turned to AI.
Briefly.
I did.
I turned to AI just to see how
dumb...
How dumb it would be.
Too dumb.
I can't even remember any of
the names it came up with.
But...
I was just like...
Hey...
AI.
Act as if you're a podcast
expert who also has expertise
in Gen Z.
And this is the type of podcast
that it's gonna be.
It's about a father and son
just having dumb conversations.
And it came up with so many
stupid-ass names.
I mean, like...
These...
These are atrociously bad.
Now, I'm no marketing genius or
SEO genius or anything else.
Wasn't one like sarcastic
strolls or something?
Yeah, sarcastic strolls.
And there were some, like, that
were stupid long.
They were, like, half a
sentence.
I'm like...
Who's gonna subscribe to...
Dad and son walk down paths of
life together or some shit like
that?
Oh, yeah.
That's...
That's definitely, um...
Definitely, you know, what...
What is gonna work.
So...
The other night, you...
To give Kit credit, you asked
me...
What was the original name?
I asked if someone had come up
with the Untitled Podcast.
Yeah.
Which I figured someone did.
Yeah, so we looked up the Untitled
Podcast.
And of course, the Untitled
Podcast exists.
Obviously.
Obviously.
And so we were...
We hit a wall again.
Not a wall of cheese.
Just a...
Just a mental wall.
And, um...
A wall of brain bricks.
Yes.
And...
Suddenly...
Suddenly...
Kit turns to me and says...
Uh...
Uh...
Uh...
Uh...
Is there a podcast called the
Non-Topical Podcast?
Yeah.
And I was like, non-topical, eh?
Is that even a word?
Technically, yes.
With a dash.
Yeah, but...
We're not putting the dash.
Who cares about the dash?
We don't need to be dashing
with this podcast, okay?
Yeah.
But, um...
So...
Says the person who uses DoorDash.
What?
Says the person who uses DoorDash.
I don't use DoorDash.
You sometimes do.
No, no.
Rarely.
No, I don't use DoorDash.
Well, I...
Okay.
Correction.
I use DoorDash...
And we have stopped to look at
Bug.
Describe Bug.
Uh...
It looks like a small black
pill...
Uh...
With little...
With little lines for the
segments running along it.
Cool.
And it has legs underneath them,
too.
It has legs.
Okay.
So now that we've derailed the
conversation for this...
Um...
So...
I had to look at the black pill
bug.
Okay.
All right.
You looked at the black pill
bug.
So...
I don't know if it was...
Kit throws out the name Non-Topical.
Now, will we call it The Non-Topical
Podcast?
Or will we be more NPR-ish?
Just say Non-Topical.
Hey, you're listening to Non-Topical.
I prefer just Non-Topical.
Yeah.
Non-Topical is fine.
Yeah.
Um...
And by the way, for those of
you that are gonna say,
Whoa.
Isn't Topical, you know, a way
to apply medication?
Look.
I don't wanna get into how you
apply your hemorrhoid
medication, okay?
This is not a conversation that
we wanna get into with you.
But, Topical can mean, you know,
having relevance in the modern
context.
Which, of course, what we're
talking about and doing here
does not have much relevance.
I mean, we might occasionally
talk about movies and stuff,
but...
Or video games.
Yeah, but...
Or Star Wars.
Most times, things are gonna be
pretty irrelevant.
In fact, we aim for irrelevancy
here.
Mostly.
Mostly.
Unless there's something
serious we wanna talk about.
Like, politics.
Or how Disney is going to take
over the world.
I mean...
No, no, you can't...
No, no, no.
Don't...
Alright, anyway.
For legal reasons, that was a
joke.
Yes, only for legal reasons.
I mean, nothing.
Also, non-topical kind of
sounds like...
Or, like, feels the same as nonsensical.
Which is pretty much everything
that we're gonna be doing.
Yeah.
So...
Yeah, welcome to this nonsense.
I don't know what you expect to
get out of this as our
listeners.
But...
Hey...
Maybe they'll find it funny.
Yeah, maybe you'll find it
funny.
It's worth the price of
admission.
Free!
Yeah, I mean...
Well, I mean, unless you paid
for your podcast app.
Yeah, well, that's different.
You're paying them.
I mean, we don't get a cut of
that.
If you pay your podcast app, I
mean, we don't get a cut of
that.
You gotta pay us.
Well, they don't have to.
Well, you don't have to.
But, you know, there's a
concept out there, you know,
coined by the No Agenda podcast.
And it's called...
Oh, that's advertising.
Yeah, yeah.
You're giving them free
advertising.
Yes, they got free advertising.
Shut up.
But the concept is value for
value.
And what that means is, if you
listen to us and you're
entertained, however unlikely
that might be, then, you know,
feel free to toss us a few
bucks.
You know, we might do, like, a
Ko-Fi thing.
But I'll tell you what we're
not gonna do.
We're not gonna do a Patreon.
You wanna know why we're not
gonna do a Patreon?
Because it's a monthly
subscription service and you
have to give out monthly gifts
for the people.
Yeah.
Do you really think...
Like, if we're not willing or
able to sit down behind some,
like, podcasting microphones in
a great rig to give us good
audio quality,
do you really think that we
have the time or patience to
come out with exclusive content
for subscribers only?
Like...
Make it so that they get to
hear the podcast one day early.
No.
No, you see, but that's still
extra work.
Because then I gotta upload the
podcast in two places.
We're not doing this, okay?
I'm not saying that you, the
two people who are listening,
aren't worthy of extra
attention.
Hi, cutie.
No, literally, somebody wrote
hi, cutie on this path that we're
walking on.
In spray paint, with a smiley
face underneath.
Somebody thinks we're cute.
Yay.
I hope I didn't just step on an
insect.
Oh, no, you stepped on an
insect.
You committed murder.
Insecticide.
I don't think I did.
Insecticide.
I don't think I did.
Anyway.
So, yeah, we're not going to be
creating specialty content for
anybody.
Yet.
No.
What if we get $1,000 from this?
If we get $1,000 from this, we
just keep doing what they're
doing.
They love it.
You, our listeners, love what
we're doing.
We know this.
That's why you've given us $1,000.
We're on the way to $10,000
next.
You know, eventually we might
be able to make a living off of
this and then Kit and I never
have to work a day in our
entire lives again.
We just have to go on walks and
record this type of bullshit
and you eat it up.
I don't know why.
Kit doesn't know why, but you've
already given us $1,000.
This is all hypothetical.
I mean, sure, a hypothetical $1,000.
But we all know, though, that
if you don't give us $1,000 now,
a hypothetical $1,000 in the
future won't be worth as much.
You know, inflation's still
going.
So if you give us a
hypothetical $1,000 now, non-hypothetically,
of course, then that means that
it's going to be worth more.
Because it'll be worth like $2,000
six months from now.
And, you know, Kit has, you
know, goals in life.
He eventually would like to
drive and have a car and stuff.
And, you know, I have bills to
pay, too.
So, you know, that hypothetical
$1,000 becoming a reality would
be great.
The hypothetical $10,000 or $20,000
or $50,000 would be amazing.
That would just be next year.
Hypothetical $100,000.
Oh, well, I mean, let's not
push it too far.
I mean...
Hypothetical, hypothetical,
hypothetical.
Yeah, exactly.
But all we're saying is, if you
have any inkling of enjoying
this, reach out to us.
Contact us.
I mean, that's free.
I mean, unless you don't have
internet.
Then it's not free.
It's mostly free.
I mean, go to the library.
Or if you're in a country like
Russia, you might have to, like,
invade another country to get
access to their internet.
Or vice versa.
I'm not really sure how things
went at this point.
It's all very fuzzy.
We know that there's great
people, you know, that make a
lot more money than us.
Who are, quote unquote, experts
in that situation.
Who would probably say we're
both completely wrong.
I mean, for crying out loud,
Kit said that Russia doesn't
even exist.
Once again, for legal reasons,
that was a joke.
Oh my gosh, could you imagine
the headlines?
A Russian ICBM hit a small
northeastern city over the
weekend.
And experts believe it's
because some dumbass podcasters
decided to say that Russia wasn't
real.
And that podcast blew up.
Yeah, we blew that one up.
We blew it up.
So.
Yeah, I think that's all I have
to say.
Kit, if you have anything else
to add to our conversation at
this point.
Any other non-topical things
for our non-topical show?
That is non-topical?
Dead air is the most non-topical
thing, by the way.
Just dead silence.
Blob fish.
What about the blob fish?
It looks stupid.
Yeah.
And depressed.
Yeah, it is a depressing fish.
I'm not going to lie.
It looks like every bald person
ever.
Whoa!
Don't quote me on that.
Well, you just said it.
I most definitely can quote you
on that.
That was a joke.
The blob fish looks like every
bald person ever.
Sad and depressed.
Quoted from Kit.
2025.
I didn't say that they were sad
and depressed.
I just said the blob fish kind
of looked like them.
Because it doesn't have any
hair.
And it's pinkish.
Well, I guess that only goes
for the lighter skin people.
Yeah.
I'm not being racist.
I mean, it is a scientific fact
that due to the amount of melanin
in the presence of the skin,
there can be variations in skin
color.
You're absolutely right.
That is not a racist statement.
Yeah.
All right.
So, again, if you like what you're
doing, please send emails to
the feedback address that will
be in the show notes that I
haven't set up yet.
Send donations if you want.
Interact with the posts on the
Fediverse.
If we have a YouTube, like,
toss us a like and subscribe.
Like and subscribe.
Or just subscribe to your
podcast player and make sure
you leave us a review in
whatever podcast player store
that you use.
Because, you know, them reviews,
they definitely get taken
seriously by people.
I'm sure.
Speaking of, maybe we should
tell people to not take this
seriously.
Because we didn't say that.
Take it seriously.
If we're talking about, you
know, causing the end of the
world, take it seriously.
Or don't.
We don't care.
Yeah.
All right.
We're about to get run over by
a bike.
So, we're going to go.
But thank you.
Thank you for listening.
Do all the things.
All the subscription things.
All of the donation things.
We appreciate all of it.
Or don't.
We don't really care.
We're going to keep doing this
anyway.
We still like money, though.
We still what?
We still like money though.
Yeah.
Money is good.
Alright.
Catch you next time.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
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