Hello everyone, thank you for
joining us for our second
special pre-recorded episode of
Non-Topical.
In this episode, which was
recorded way, way, way back in,
I believe, April of 2024,
Kit and I discuss Star Wars
Episode 7 and Emperor Palpatine's
retirement job.
Yes, yes. Also, we discuss the
ultimate reason for existing as
a Jedi or for the Force.
So, we hope you enjoy that.
All right, so I hit the button.
Why'd you hit it? It didn't do
anything wrong.
You know, I mean, really?
We should talk about something
relating to Star Wars. I don't
know what.
Star Wars.
Wait, wait, yeah. So, that's
that thing where they explore
space and they get into, like,
intergalactic politics, right?
That's Star Wars?
That was only the sequel. Only
the sequel.
No. No, that's true. You're
full of it. No. No, the
politics come in in the prequels.
Yeah, so I said the prequels.
No, you said the sequel.
I said the prequels.
I have it in 4K!
Well, I meant to say the prequels.
Well, hang on. Let me... Editing,
Chris. Go back to the tape.
That was only the sequel. Only
the sequel.
There, see? I proved you wrong.
You said sequels.
Well, I said I meant to say prequels
if I did.
Something about Star Wars.
Hmm. The war of...
I have not heard of this. What
is this Star Wars that you
speak of?
I have not compulsively, you
know, watched or documented
this series for the majority of
my life.
yeah there's a lot to unpack
with star wars i mean you got
stars you got wars i mean what
more
do you really have to say star
killer face oh no oh no no no
no no oh gosh so that's where
you want
to go with this is it the the
the sequels look well there's a
lot of stuff that got deleted
from
them so yeah intelligence
besides that like who who who
at disney was running this
because here's
the thing like you could
clearly tell they had no clue
what they were doing going from
movie one to
movie two to movie three and by
movie one to movie two to movie
three of course i mean director
one
director two direct no i was
gonna say of course i mean
seven eight and nine instead of
one two and
three yeah but but yeah to your
point it's like director a
director b and they all have
their own
like unique vision of what they
want to try to do but they don't
like at all know what they want
to do
i'll say the one that's the
best out of the sequels is the
first the first one yeah and
like people are
oh oh they're just doing they're
just doing the death star but
bigger and you're like yeah um
i'm okay with that i guess i
mean they brought back millennium
falcon they brought back the
chewbacca
they killed off han solo
finally hey that was in
accordance with his will like
that he that was planned
you know they he's been wanting
to die for a while you know han
solo like he was he was such a
brash
you know smuggler type you know
you know he he obviously like
shoot people first you know
before
they have a chance to shoot him
which is totally normal and no
no not not if you're going by
the
special no no no the special
editions don't exist
they don't exist anyway no the
but going back to it like i
didn't mind it too much
like some people like oh it's
repetitive i think the only
annoying thing is like uh what's
her face
ray yeah like she goes from
like i'm a nobody to i'm a
complete badass worship my
badassness everybody
look at i've not i have no idea
what a lightsaber is but look i
can use it with skill it's like
but
she she used stick remember oh
she is used to using stick oh
that's right yes fighting with
a stick and a
friggin lightsaber completely
the same totally totally the
same 100 percent you know hey
the next time i'm gonna go and
fight
i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm just
gonna pick up a sharp pointing
stick and start like poking at
him be like
oh look i turned your respirator
off i turned your respirator
off what are you gonna do now
darth
and he's like force choking me
i'm like no man i took
i'm like still choking
meanwhile like i hit the button
on his chest plate again he's
like
you know that that voice that
he does oh no no we got sticks
it's like the movie aliens
where it's like
he's like listen all these
weapons we've got this type of
weapon that type of weapon we
got sharp sticks
i mean i mean a stick would be
good if you're practicing for
using a double-bladed lightsaber
i'll
say that yeah but she wasn't
yeah i i get like we we try to
explain this later in the sequels
and
let's not go let's you know we
will stick just for talking
about the first sequel and that
part of it
but yeah ray to me as a
character is like uh she's okay
like she wanted to wait for her
parents but her
parents never showed up and she
wanted to do this she wanted to
do that yada yada yada she kind
of was
just surviving she gets pulled
into this thing and that's all
well and good except for the
fact that
like she openly says she has no
idea what she's doing so she
gets on the millennium falcon
and she's like
i can't believe that i knew how
to fly this how is this a thing
well i know how how the force
made it happen
the four yeah the force forced
it the the force got the force
got you covered right i mean
never flown
before you know never you know
like this is like this is the
force for babies it's like not
even the
force for babies it's it's the
force for lazy people like this
is the force for like people
who just don't
want to take the time to master
anything and so it's like you're
sitting there like ah force get
me the
beer from the fridge like um
she has done nothing to earn
any knowledge about starships
and yet she just
gets onto one and is able to
fly it like i'm sorry i've
heard pilots talk about how
planes work
you don't just sit in a cockpit
of a plane having never seen
one before and just be like oh
there's
the on switch oh look uh here's
here's the auto takeoff button
let me press that like
i i i want to say that it would
make sense that spacecraft
would be more complex than
airplanes
yeah like she flew a hover
speeder thing like the desert duster
yeah it's like the desert
vacuum
cleaner yeah skiff i think that's
what it's called a blocky piece
of crap is what it's called
i mean who came up with that
that ship design i'm gonna ride
on the refrigerator box
trust the force agency the best
insurance around i mean
i don't know how i'd feel about
that
sir we're your insurance
company yes i know well we're
gonna increase your premiums
why i haven't even like i haven't
been in a car accident i haven't
like gotten murdered or stabbed
i
don't have cancer what's going
trust me we know we know what's
gonna happen and when it will
trust me your your premiums are
going up it is all proceeding
as i have foreseen it
helps his retirement job helps
goes to coruscant
this is palpatine insurance
company how can i serve you
um are you supposed to sound
like you're gonna kill me are
you supposed to sound like you
want to be killed
like i know that wasn't even a
good bit but still like the
point it helps goes to coruscant
as his retirement job to start
an insurance company just so
that he can shaft everybody by
knowing the future or
predicting the future or better
yet like he could just like
make junk happen like like oh
you want to get your home
insurance
yeah i want to get home
insurance i'll be happy to insure
your home here sign on the
dotted line
later that night lightning bolt
hits the house and the entire
thing catches fire
wait wouldn't that make palps
actually go broke faster now
that i think about that because
then
you'd have to pay them for the
house that they just insured
maybe maybe maybe oh no but
then what he'll do is he'll
like plant evidence so like palps
will like hit the building with
night lightning and then sneak
around the back and put like
you know repulsor lift fuel or
something like right behind the
house and then you know that's
what you're going to do with
that.
i don't know but then what he'll
do is he'll like plant evidence
so like palps will like hit the
building with night lightning
and then sneak around the back
and put like you know repulsor
lift fuel or something like
right behind the house and like
just have a little trail of it
like going there and totally
make it seem like he'll wear
gloves and junk he'll just get
out of their shed he'll put on
his gloves like you know they
have the repulsor lift lawnmower
and like so palps hits the
house with lightning and start
on fire and then like has
gloves on or uses the force.
He doesn't even need gloves. He
doesn't even need gloves. He
uses the force to like make it
seem like the owner dumped like
you know repulsor lift fuel all
over the backyard and then like
the next day when he calls up
and he's like yo palps my house
burned down what am I gonna do?
Oh well well we definitely want
to help you there. Let's send
the fire ship or whatever and
the fire ship goes over and
like the you know captain comes
out and he looks like he looks
at the
backyard and he's like sir we
need to talk why is it that it
looks like there's fuel here?
Well I don't I don't know
anything about that. Well sir
we have your insurance agent on
the line with us right now. Yes
hello. Yeah yeah um this is
officer Rudy from the uh the
porous on fire department. Uh
yeah. So we got this guy here.
His house
burned down and we found this
gas can right behind the house
oh that's interesting yeah yeah
uh so he
claims that you just got an
insurance planned with him oh
really well yeah yeah this is
his name his
name is jones wait that that's
his entire name yes that's his
entire name jones like the cat
and
alien uh okay let me uh oh yes
yes i remember talking to them
and you're saying you believe
this
to be foul play uh yeah it
seems it seems uh seems shady
to me uh okay um yes they they
did take out a
policy just yesterday but uh
fraud clearly uh is not covered
by the policy no my house no
so do you need anything else
from me i i have a busy day no
that's about what all we need
we'll
contact the stormtroopers to
you know to to collect him and
his belongings maybe his family
too for
good measure i mean they were
probably all in on it there we
go palps insurance agency
but yeah ray's annoying yeah uh
and i mean like was she ever
really close enough to han solo
to be
so upset that he died like you
met him a day ago he he
believed in her that that's
enough you met her a
day ago he he he was like an
adopted father he was a creepy
old man so was luke oh well
yeah yeah but
that's the that's the next
movie but but so so was ben
then you know i mean when you
really think about it
there it you know there used to
be a handing down of uh wisdom
from you know the older
generation to
the newer generation ah yes the
younglings yes the younglings
such such knowledge of lightsaber
blades firsthand knowledge of
lightsaber blades and blasters
was learned by the younglings
not no no they just didn't have
them on them when when anakin
was there no no they learned a
lot
in fact you might say that they
learned so much that you know
their little brains and bodies
just
couldn't handle the the sheer
force of the situation you know
maybe maybe they shouldn't have
asked for so
much you know hands-on
experience really they just
weren't prepared for the
overwhelming sensation of
you know the force of blaster
bolts going through them or a
lightsaber blade
you know really when push comes
to shove though wasn't anakin
doing them a favor i mean he
was giving
them the best they wanted the
experience it was like you know
you even saw it they just cut
out some of it
it was like master skywalker
what are we going to do and you
see him lighting up the blade
and the
kid's like you know they cut
away before you get to see what
the kid actually says like he's
sitting
there like staring like with a
weird look on his face at the
lightsaber the next moment was
oh cool it's a
lightsaber and those were the
kids last words like he died in
a joy-filled way you know he
got to see the
lightsaber up close yeah but
what about the rest of them i
mean once they saw the first
one you know
get to experience the lightsaber
so and experience the overflowing
joy uh such joy that it killed
him
they just lined up i mean like
disney has done a revisionist
version like where you see
people like
running and screaming out of
the temple and all this stuff
you know as part of uh the the
backstory for like
mando and for for grogu and
everything but let's be honest
we know how it really went down
i mean these kids
are dumb you know the the
minute the first one was cut
down by the lightsaber the rest
were like
that's the way to go on that
that you know what there could
be no greater thing because
think about it in the
original star wars like obi-wan
kenobi just like sat there and
let a lightsaber go through him
and it was all fine
he just disappeared you know so
clearly that is the pinnacle of
the force the pinnacle of the
force is to get cut in half
with
the lightsaber i mean what what
about what about the clones
though no how would it be to
get shot by them
because i think more people got
shot by them than the people
that got killed by anakin no no
no no no no
that's that's not what happened
you see what happened was they
just got maimed by the blasters
the stormtroopers are renowned
for their aim you know this the
clone troopers are actually
decent yeah yeah
so so here's the thing clone
troopers and stormtroopers are
renowned for their aim and
knowing
this i mean clearly they must
have been aiming for you know
the shoulder or the leg you
know they they
weren't going for the chest or
headshots obviously because we
all know that the fulfillment
of the force
is to get cut in half by a
lightsaber you know really if
you think about it palp's doing
this
did the entire race of jedi or
religion of jedi a huge favor i'm
pretty sure even the scenes you
know
where the fully grown jedi
getting like gunned down they
only take enough blaster bolts
to knock them
down and then later you know anakin
or palps are going to come by
and just slice them in half
they're
just they're just doing the
ultimate expression of the
force because the ultimate
expression of the
force is getting cut in half
and if you think about it you
know even disney carried this
across into the
sequels snoke snoke is in jedi
or sith heaven because he was
cut in half with a lightsaber
you see
you just you know and i'm
pretty sure look it was shown
off camera but but really you
know as upset
as luke seemed to to be with
the loss of yoda as upset as he
seemed to be really what they
didn't show
you is underneath the blanket yoda
kind of like looked at luke
gave him this luke like you
know what
you need to do and so under the
blanket what you don't see is
like luke you know lighting the
lightsaber and very gingerly
like very lovingly and slowly
cutting yoda in half with the
lightsaber so
as not to singe the blanket it
was the favorite blanket we
have to respect the blanket and
the mattress
yoda taught luke well and so luke
just kind of lifted up the he
lifts up the blanket and just
like
slowly slides the plate over
and down and gently carves yoda
in half
and well most of the sequel
lightsabers don't actually cut
people they don't what like
like the
more recent lightsabers don't
cut people in half they just
they just leave marks on your
body no that's
not true you're wrong they like
i said snoke snoke clearly got
cut in half just like
luke yeah but that was needed
for the store yeah but still
that's the point he was cut in
half it's
the fulfillment of the force
that does that mean that uh
that the stormtrooper and obi-wan
that got
cut in half by the lasers does
that mean that he gets to go to
jedi heaven possibly oh oh i've
got a
mind-blown one for you darth maul
is in jedi heaven no because he's
still alive no no no no we we
don't buy
that shut up no he's still
alive no no he's still alive
wait i've got it darth maul is
officially
the god of the god of the jedi
realm because here's the thing
but you know what i'm going to
agree with
you he lived so here's the deal
though when he does finally die
he gets cut in half with a
lightsaber
and so he is the only jedi or sith
to ever get cut in half by a
lightsaber twice
he is the exalted one forget
palps palps is second tier
helps doesn't even get cut in
half at all i
know although i thought of
another jedi that the that
would also go to jedi hell or
heaven no no
because he doesn't get cut oh
who who clo coon he just gets
blown up in his ship he doesn't
get cut in
half i mean like maybe maybe we
could let him on the outskirts
of jedi heaven you know like
way on
what about all the other jedi
that did get actually shot play
like on the different planets
like how
would you know exactly where
they got gunned down so you
could slice them in half
because then they
just get shot by the clone troopers
we know palps planned this all
out okay we know that this was
planned it's just so what they
did is they had all the jedi
come to the jedi temple so
everyone was
there and they said look we we've
got this risky space covid
going on um and space covid we
we found
that space covid you know has
space covid the the population
that is at the highest risk for
illness and for
serious consequences from space
covid are the jedi and and so
because of this you know we
gotta we gotta
you know give you all a shot
and unfortunately yoda and obi-wan
weren't there that day they
were all out
like you know at a at a park or
something you know like obi-wan
was like pushing yoda around in
a walker because they didn't
have hover walkers yet or
whatever you know they were
just out like getting you know
candy and stuff they they were
out in the park on a summer day
you know everyone they missed
the call
they turned off their com links
everyone else was at the jedi
temple where they should have
been like i'm
saying in the entire galaxy
there was like a beacon set off
from the top of the jedi temple
that somehow
even though it's like zillions
of miles away and speed of
light doesn't you know somehow
it transcended the
speed of light and every jedi
in the entire galaxy just knew
that the temple's the place i
gotta bead
man like there's something
going down and so they all got
there and palps gave them their
complementary
space covid vaccines and really
what it was was a little you
know like interstellar gps
tracker for
all of them and so you see he
planned this and so when the
clones did gun down these jedi
just rest
assured that either palps
himself or darth maul or or uh
you know anakin slash darth vader
later came back
while they were still barely
alive and cut them in half with
a lightsaber could you imagine
if palps was really
lazy like
i have an idea ship the bodies
here wait you want us to do
what sir ship the bodies here
and then
while you're doing that you
construction guys i want you to
put four iron girders upright
just
far enough apart and just wide
enough to put a body of a two
you know of a typical humanoid
and just we're
gonna stack them so that there's
a stack of bodies to the
ceiling and then what i'm going
to do is i'm
going to get a scissor lift
and i will ignite my lightsaber
and then just push the down
button on the scissor lift
we can save hundreds of souls
in a single shot
see people don't realize this
but really all palps wanted to
do
was cut jedi in half with a
lightsaber to give them their
oneness with the force like
they wanted
i mean but obi-wan technically
didn't get cut in half he just
got stabbed in the thumb
no he got cut cross oh yeah
that's all right yeah because
darth vader felt bad that
you know his mentor and friend
never got to experience the
full joy of a proper jedi death
you know he was he was like the
last jedi i mean like all of
his friends had gone before him
you know
he's an old man he's lonely you
know he can't talk to anybody
and i mean if the force goes
show up and do
talk to him all it's gonna make
him do is remember the good old
days when he got to hang out
with them
and you know share space
whiskey or blue milk so you
know and somehow obi-wan
managed to survive space
covid nobody knows how he wasn't
he wasn't vaccinated and yet
you know he somehow persevered
through that and
darth vader having such respect
for his master because you know
he could have just cut his cut
his hands off or something you
know just cut off right at the
wrist wait dooku also didn't
get cut in half and neither did
uh grievous well dooku got decapitated
that's kind of like being cut
in half no no i mean he can
live on the outskirts of town
What about Grievous?
Grievous?
It was a bug in a machine.
It was a bug in a suit.
Yeah.
He deserved to get fried.
But just to be on the safe side,
you know, again, when the
camera cut away, Obi-Wan walked
back over.
After saying, so uncivilized
and tossing the blaster away,
he walked back over, took out
his lightsaber.
After getting it from Cody.
Yeah, and, you know, said, Cody,
Cody, I've got to do something.
I'll be back in a minute.
And he walked over to Grievous,
cut him in half with a lightsaber.
And Dooku, to be honest, you
know, we don't know.
We don't know that Halps or
Anakin didn't go back and cut
that body in half.
Yeah, because here's the thing,
like maybe Anakin, you know,
felt bad, you know, maybe
that moment where it was like
he felt bad for killing him.
It wasn't that he felt bad for
killing him.
It's that he felt bad that he
didn't cut him in half.
And so maybe he went back, you
know, feeling so bad, this
guilt and shame.
Dooku might not have been a
great guy.
He might not have been the
leader that he should have been
or we wanted him to be.
But, you know, at one point he
was a good Jedi.
They talked about him in the
temple with a sense of respect.
So maybe to make amends, before
they got captured by Grievous
and everybody, he went back and
cut him in half with the lightsaber.
But Han Solo didn't get cut in
half.
Maybe he's like nearly headless
Nick.
Because he did get stabbed
right in the middle.
And maybe when his body like
hit the bottom of that cavern,
it's split in half.
I mean, it's within the...
He has no spine anymore.
There's nothing to hold the
chunks of meat together anymore.
So what probably happened was
Kylo Ren stabs him right
through the middle.
And then Han Solo falls, still
alive, hits the ground and
splits in half.
It might not be a clean cut,
but he's still got cut in half
with the lightsaber.
What about Phasma?
Nobody cares about Phasma.
I thought you were going to say,
what about Leia?
Oh yeah, what about her?
Okay.
Alright, so here's the deal.
I mean, wasn't somebody in the
room with her?
R2-D2.
That's it.
Just R2-D2.
Okay.
I've got you covered here.
So R2-D2.
We know that he's held a lightsaber
before.
He stored it for Luke.
Yeah, but he can only shoot it.
He can't.
He can't use it.
No, no, no.
So here's what he does.
So ever since that day, R2-D2
has always stored a backup
lightsaber just in case.
And so here's what happens.
I mean, we know that R2-D2 can
use like little things, like
little arms and whatnot that
pop out of his body to do all
sorts of things.
So here's what happens.
The panel for the lightsaber
slides open.
He shoots it up into the air
and it lands on the bedside
right next to Leia.
And he wheels over real slow,
like, and he uses one of his
grabby arms.
He uses one of his, like, he
uses a lever to lift up the bedsheets
just enough.
And then he takes one of his
grabby arms and just cuts her
in half.
But surely someone would notice,
though.
Well, no, the body disappears.
She becomes one with the force.
You could say, well, what about
Luke?
I mean, clearly, clearly, I
mean, Luke.
He just has a heart attack.
Yeah, Luke.
Luke clearly just had a heart
attack, right?
You know, there's no way.
And here's what I'll get you on
this.
Now, this is a breach in
protocol.
All right, this is a breach in
Jedi Heaven protocol.
But he managed to kind of just
skirt the rule on this.
So what they didn't show in the
movie.
All right, so Kylo Ren is
getting all ragey and, you know,
angry with Luke.
Because he's discovered Luke
isn't there.
Actually, they did show it in
the movie.
He took his lightsaber.
And he put it right through the
middle of Luke.
So.
Yeah, but he just has a heart
attack.
No, no, no.
But you see.
His spiritual body.
What they didn't show.
So they showed him, like, kind
of poking through Luke.
But it was really a longer shot.
Really, he started, like,
waving around back and forth.
So.
Luke's Jedi spirit was cut in
half by a lightsaber.
He had no reason to live
anymore.
He had fulfilled his destiny.
Which was to be cut in half by
a lightsaber.
You see?
All Star Wars is.
What about Moff Gideon?
Who?
Moff Gideon.
Who?
The guy from Mandalorian.
Okay, so.
Have we actually seen what
happens to him?
I think he falls down the shaft
and then gets blown up.
Okay, okay.
Or he just gets blown up.
So.
You had to be paying close
attention.
Oh, no.
So.
What's her face?
Bo-Katan.
Bo-Katan's fighting.
Mando is fighting.
They're both fighting.
And he gets blown up.
And when Mando's back was
turned.
Bo-Katan walked up with the
dark saber.
And there wasn't much left.
Yeah, that's right.
Like I said, I think he fell,
though.
Well, here's the thing.
I mean.
We don't know what happened.
I mean.
Somebody might have had a jetpack.
And might have flown down just
before he hit the bottom.
And cut him in half with a
lightsaber.
Well, IG-11 didn't really get
cut in half.
He got blown apart in half,
kind of.
Yeah.
Also, what about the Ugnaught
guy from The Mandalorian?
Which guy?
The pig guy that reprograms IG-11.
Well.
In the first season.
Well, you know.
He just got shot.
Yeah.
But, I mean.
He's not a Jedi.
What about Aunt Beru and Uncle
Owen?
Look.
If you go online and look up.
You know.
The documentary called Troops.
Which, you know.
Is a documentary of the life of
stormtroopers.
In everyday patrol.
On Tatooine.
Sandtroopers.
Yes.
You'll remember.
That.
Beru.
And Owen died.
In a violent domestic dispute.
She was upset that he wasn't
listening to her.
About Luke wanting to go off to
the academy.
The patrol showed up.
After getting a call.
About like neighbors hearing
junk.
And that's saying something.
Because in Tatooine.
Your neighbors are like.
Miles away.
Like.
The Tusken Raiders were calling
up.
The stormtroopers like.
Oh.
Owen and Beru.
And Beru.
And.
All right.
I guess we'll go over there.
So.
You know.
She grabbed a thermal detonator.
And just.
Blew them both up.
You know.
That.
That's.
That's the way it happened.
It's been proven.
So.
No.
They didn't.
And they never showed up as
Force Ghost.
So.
You know.
They.
I thought of one.
Qui-Gon Jinn.
He.
He was basically.
Cut in half with a lightsaber.
Nah.
He got stabbed in the stump.
He got stabbed in the stomach.
But.
Then.
Just after he loses
consciousness.
In that scene.
The camera cuts away.
And Obi-Wan.
You know.
In order to honor his friend.
Cuts him in half with a lightsaber.
Weren't we.
Talking about Rey.
If only she had been cut in
half with a lightsaber.
Wait a second.
Kylo Ren never got cut in half
with a lightsaber.
I mean.
Not on screen.
I mean.
Palpatine also didn't though.
We know Palp's got more clones.
He'll always find a way back.
Palp's is the best.
But.
You know.
Maybe for one of his clones.
It should be cut in half with a
lightsaber.
Just like walk up to the clone
tube.
Don't even wake him up.
Just walk up to the clone tube.
Take your lightsaber.
Straight through the tube.
Glass shatters everywhere.
There's a liquid.
Like back to liquid.
Pouring all.
Or clone liquid.
Whatever it is.
Pouring all over the place.
And then.
You know.
Palp's.
Nicely.
Bisected.
By a lightsaber.
So that he can go to his
eternal reward.
So.
The entire purpose.
Of Star Wars.
Or really.
The entire purpose.
Of Jedi.
The fulfillment.
Of being a Jedi.
Is.
Getting cut in half with a
lightsaber.
Ahsoka Tano.
Get cut in half.
Who?
Uh.
She also didn't die yet though.
So.
She'll get cut in half with a
lightsaber.
They all do.
I think we're good.
Okay.
Hey everyone.
Thank you for listening to this
special episode of Non-Topical.
Non-Topical.
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