By the way, congratulations sir,
we officially released Nontopical
to the World today.
Yay!
And yet it was celebrating a
Minecraft movie.
I mean wait, wait, not
celebrating.
Yeah.
So...
Criticizing.
You know, lovingly criticizing
it by tearing it to pieces and
throwing every piece into a
fire.
As they burned, it hurt because
I was so happy for them.
Oh wait, no I wasn't.
That's a different song.
Alright, anyway.
May the 4th be with you.
And with your spirit?
Yeah.
Okay, so today is...
With your Father, with your Son,
and your Holy Spirit.
Today is the day that everybody
celebrates the cultural
phenomena that was Star Wars.
Was being the key word.
Why do I say was?
I say was because Star Wars is...
Was.
Money.
Star Wars is nothing but just
an intellectual property to
make money now.
Now don't get me wrong, there
are a couple of other good
things that have happened with
Star Wars.
You know, Rogue One was good.
Yeah.
And/or the first season was
good.
I've heard some mixed things
about the second season.
Yeah.
Uh...
We haven't seen the second one.
Mandalorian.
That's about it.
I mean, like everything else
that has happened since the
great...
The great...
Acquisition.
Yeah.
The great Disney acquisition of
2000 whatever year it was.
The Tatooine purchase.
The...
That's a good one.
The Tatooine purchase.
In which George Lucas was given
four billion dollars for all of
his IP.
And he thought he was getting a
good deal.
How foolish he was.
So...
We decided that today we'll do
some discussion about Star Wars.
Uh...
This...
This year...
This year I think we'll focus
on the sequels and not...
Not so much like a review of
the sequels.
If you haven't seen any of the
Star Wars sequels...
Uh...
Be happy.
You are lucky.
You know...
We'll summarize it this way.
First one was okay.
Second one complete trash.
Well...
First one was like a copy of
the original...
That was so far.
Yeah...
But...
Okay...
But look...
We're trying to do a high level
summary.
Okay?
First one was okay.
Just like the first Jurassic
World...
Was okay.
They were decent movies.
There was nothing overly wrong
with them.
Except they were just rehashes
or reboots of the previous
movies.
It's fine.
Movie number two...
Completely off the rails and
stupid.
Movie number three...
Completely off the rails and
stupid because they wanted to
revert everything that happened
in movie number two.
Because they admitted that it
sucked.
Yeah...
Um...
And then they made the third
one suck even more.
So...
I think we're going to take a
different approach.
Instead of just like...
Tearing apart everything we
hate about the sequels.
Like so many other people have
before us.
Yeah...
I mean we're still gonna do
that.
But we're gonna do it in a
different way.
Uh...
We're gonna talk about...
How these things could have
worked betterer.
Hopefully.
Like...
If we can remember them.
Considering how bad they are.
Yeah...
I mean we...
We've had some conversations
about this stuff.
I mean...
I think first off like...
We need to start with episode...
Uh...
Seven.
Yes.
So...
I don't have an issue with
things being on a desert planet
if they need to be.
By the way...
If you haven't seen any of the
sequels or any of Star Wars in
general...
Consider yourself lucky.
Part 2.
I mean...
Fine.
Uh...
This will make no sense to you.
But listen anyway.
Cause...
Hopefully we'll still be
entertaining.
Despite it being Star Wars.
Alright.
So...
We have Rey who is like this...
Well first of all no.
We have Poe.
We start with Poe.
Wait...
Do we start with Poe or Finn?
Or do we start with Poe and
Finn?
Uh...
I think we started with Poe at
the old guy's house.
So the panda.
Right?
Nah...
Actually that...
That could work!
No...
How...
How could we add Jack Black to
something else to inshittify it?
Oh wait...
No wait...
That happened in a season of
Mandalorian didn't it?
Wasn't he in a season of Mandalorian?
He was like some rich guy.
Oh yeah that's right.
In one episode he was.
Oh no it's already happening!
No!
It's already happened!
Okay so...
Yeah he was some rich fat guy
just like he is in Rini White.
Oh...
That's harsh.
So basically...
Somehow...
For those that haven't seen the
movie...
Somehow...
First Order has established and
taken the place of the Empire.
Yeah because it's a rip off of
the Empire.
They're still Stormtroopers but
with different armor that still
looks like...
Yeah I think you know it would
have been a better story if
they had shown like the
resistance slash rebellion
fighting against something
before it became critical.
Yeah yeah...
Like somebody's speaking up in
the...
Yeah yeah...
Yeah the New Republic.
Like somebody's speaking up in
the New Republic and going hey...
Um...
There are these shady militia
groups that seem to be like...
You know all those rich people
that sponsor our campaigns?
Mmhmm.
You know the ones that sell
weapons?
Mmhmm.
They're still making a shit ton
of money somehow.
Mmhmm.
But the war's over.
How are they making money?
See I wonder...
And we're seeing records that
like...
Stuff that looks like it
belonged to the Empire...
But better...
Is being funneled to these
militia groups.
Now don't we have contracts
with these people for our own
protection?
Yeah...
Shouldn't we...
Shouldn't we be you know
monitoring their activities and
making sure that they're not
selling weapons of mass
destruction to potential
enemies of the Empire?
Nah...
We...
We have other things to worry
about...
No...
Like starvation on this planet...
So we're just thrown into the
middle of this.
Yeah...
And First Order is all powerful
Empire now and stuff...
Well...
Sort of...
Even though they're not the
Empire...
Yeah...
They're just a group.
Anyway...
So...
That's our idea on how to fix
part of it is...
There needs to be a lead up.
Alright?
We're just kind of thrown into
the middle of it.
Which I know in the original we
were too.
We don't need too much politicking.
But...
It is such a clear echo of the
original where it's like...
Hey...
Uh...
We know that you received Widget.
Give us Widget.
No...
Hides Widget and Droid.
Like...
Funny.
Come on!
Like...
Ugh...
Alright...
So anyway...
You have...
Poe who is the guy who received
the Widget...
He's...
X-Wing Pilot guy.
Yeah...
He's badass Pilot guy.
Dumb Pilot guy.
He's Pilot guy that is supposed
to be like Han Solo but isn't.
He's nowhere near as good.
Aww...
Anyway...
So I think we keep him...
Nora's handsome.
He he he.
And obviously he gets the Widget
anyway.
Yeah.
And then you have a character
who later becomes known as Finn.
And Finn is...
FN2187 or whatever.
Holy cow.
You remembered his cult sign.
Ha ha ha ha.
You're applauding but sir you
should be ashamed.
I know.
It's just funny.
So anyway...
But I remembered that.
So...
Finn is like...
Actually the origin story for
Finn...
It is so...
You don't need to do anything
with it.
I think that's fine.
Yeah...
His...
His group massacred a bunch of
people and...
And he couldn't pull the
trigger because he didn't want
to kill innocent people.
Yeah...
His programming got overridden.
Like his mental brainwashing
got overridden by...
I mean they don't really...
Actual empathy.
They don't really get brainwashed
but sure.
I...
It's kind of implied.
I mean they're raised from
children.
They're raised from babies.
They don't know any better.
Yes.
They're raised from children.
Meaning children who guaranteed
weren't forcibly removed from
the arms of their parents.
Well they were.
But that's besides the point.
Yeah.
So...
Uh...
Yeah so Finn...
Which of course gets under
emphasized that you know the...
Both the empires and the Jedi
engage in child kidnapping.
Yeah.
Okay.
Uh...
And also his friend died and...
And got a blood hand mark on
his face.
Okay.
Yes.
So...
Actually no that might have
been a civilian.
Yeah.
So we're gonna...
We only have like 45 minutes to
an hour to deal with this.
Yeah.
So we gotta figure out how to
speed this up.
So...
Meanwhile...
Alright.
Uh...
So Poe gets...
Um...
And then...
Don't they...
Poe...
Oh yeah.
Poe gets captured and then Finn
saves him.
Yes.
Poe gets captured, Finn saves
him, and then they crash on Not
Tatooine.
They escape in...
Not Tatooine.
Jakku.
It's called Jakku.
Jakku.
That's their planet number
three.
Where we meet...
Number two actually.
We're not at number three yet.
Yes.
Where we meet Rey.
Actually we are because Mandalorian,
but still.
Well no, we're not counting
that okay?
That didn't happen yet.
So anyway.
So...
We meet Rey.
Who...
Has the potential to be a good
female character.
Yeah.
She's a scrapper.
She's a scrappy little young
woman who's surviving on her
own and her parents abandoned
her for reasons we know not why.
Until later.
But we really don't even need
that backstory necessarily
because it really didn't play
all that much of a role in the
movie.
Yeah.
It really didn't matter.
Like, I think we could throw
away that subplot.
Yeah.
Rey doesn't need to be anybody
important.
She's an orphan.
And she doesn't need to be like
super powered.
Yeah.
Like, it's okay if...
You know, I'll buy her having
the ability to know about ships
and stuff.
Yeah.
Guess what.
Because she tears them apart
all the time.
Yeah.
Like, she's been scrapping in
and out of an Imperial, like,
starship.
And she lives in an AT-AT.
Yeah.
So...
I buy that.
Anyway...
Um...
So...
Poe and Finn crash.
Finn escapes.
He thinks Poe didn't.
Um...
And he steals Poe's jacket.
And he's a villain droid.
Yeah.
BB-8.
Yeah.
The droid begrudgingly goes.
He meets up with Rey.
Uh...
He acts like he's gonna help
her.
And then she tries to kill him.
And then the Empire...
Or the First Order tries to
kill them.
And...
Hey!
Look what's there!
It just happens to the Millennium
Falcon!
It's a piece of junk!
The Millennium Falcon!
It's the Millennium Falcon!
I mean a piece of junk!
Yeah.
I mean the Millennium...
Alright.
Fine.
We'll keep the Millennium
Falcon because...
It's the Millennium Falcon.
I'm so glad to come back later
for reasons.
And then...
You know...
Die at the end.
But that's besides...
Oh!
And then we have...
We forgot to mention the...
The baddie.
Kylo Ren!
The mentally imbalanced Kylo
Ren!
Moody teenager!
I mean Kylo Ren!
You know what?
I don't think we have to do
much with him.
I think like there are a couple
of scenes we could have like...
Removed to tone back him and
make him more menacing than
stupid.
Yeah.
Um...
But honestly...
Like him smashing his helmet
around instead.
Yeah.
Like him like...
Throwing tantrums.
And destroying...
Destroying entire control
panels.
Yeah.
That...
Okay.
We could get rid of that.
Okay.
So we get rid of that stuff.
But he's trying to track all
these people down.
And he sent people to Jakku.
And they escaped.
And then...
They meet up with Han Solo!
Wow!
He's running like a...
A freighter with one of the
aliens...
Yeah.
Okay.
You know what?
The Han Solo stuff can stay as
is.
There's nothing we need to do
there.
Yeah.
And then he's in debt to a
bunch of sketchy people.
Yes.
That try to come and kill him.
I mean...
He's a smuggler.
Yeah.
I mean...
That...
Okay.
So anyways...
So let's move forward.
Okay?
We move forward in time.
We gotta go fast.
This is like...
Gotta go fast.
Uh...
We end up in not Star Wars Cantina.
Uh...
On...
Who knows what planet?
I don't know what planet it is.
But it's Maz's Cantina.
Oh yeah.
I think Maz is fine.
I thought that was the second
episode.
No.
Maz's Cantina is at the end of
the first one.
Oh.
So I think it's fine.
Alright.
Maz's Cantina is fine.
Because that's where Rey finds
the lightsaber.
And we all love Maz.
Maz is cool.
Yeah.
Maz is cool.
I think that they should have
more of her.
Instead of having just one
throwaway line in the second
movie.
And nothing...
Oh wait no.
She got to give Chewie his
medal in the third movie.
Yeah.
Oh.
Wow.
No.
But she was supposed to be like
the Yoda.
And then she was gone.
So like I think Maz leads Rey
to lightsaber.
She doesn't have like any
family connection to it.
But she discovers she's force
sensitive.
And the force is trying to lead
her to find Luke Skywalker.
Okay.
Luke Skywalker.
Um.
Meanwhile Finn is conflicted
about the fact that he's been
lying about being part of the...
Yeah.
I think that part's fine.
Yeah.
Like where he's thinking about
abandoning and whatnot.
I think the love subplot or the
interest between the two of
them...
Either commit or don't.
Yeah.
Get rid of it.
We don't need it.
Finn shows no interest in her
romantically whatsoever.
Uh.
We'll touch on that when we get
later in the series.
We got some ideas there.
Uh.
So I don't really remember what
happened with how the rebellion
founds our trail base.
Rey gets captured.
Um.
Learns to use force in
captivity.
Mind control.
Mind control and whatnot.
I don't know if that...
You don't need to drink that
cup of coffee.
Yeah.
I don't think...
I think her being able to
resist Kylo Ren...
Fine.
Because that can be attributed
to like...
Just sheer willpower.
Yeah.
I mean clearly we've discovered
she's force sensitive.
But like...
Her being able to like...
Um.
You know...
Do the Jedi mind trick on the
stormtroopers.
Not stormtroopers.
Whatever the hell they are.
They are stormtroopers.
Okay.
They're so called stormtroopers.
I think that...
That...
You know like...
Just have some other way that
she escapes.
Like make it so that like...
She yanks hard enough on the
restraints that they short
circuit or something.
And then just have her like
knock the person out.
Or just have the stormtroopers
be dumb and have her trick them.
Yeah.
That's fine too.
Like...
Hey.
You know Kylo...
You know...
Ren...
Ren told me that he was coming
back and like...
Like I'm really starting to get
thirsty.
What the heck?
I don't know.
But like have it be something a
little bit clever rather than
just...
I suddenly can use the force.
Yeah.
Alright.
The force.
Um.
Uh...
They...
They go to shield generator
thing while...
Yeah.
Space battle happens on...
Not death stage.
Not death star.
Yes.
Uh...
And...
Should we talk about not death
star.
Yeah.
Not...
A.K.A.
Star Killer Base.
Because it's a giant planet
instead of an actual...
So...
Fine.
And also it feeds off the power
of stars.
Don't forget that.
Yes.
Giant...
Star Killer Base takes out New
Republic.
Fine.
It takes out all the Richie
planets and all the...
Yeah.
Fine.
Yeah.
We keep that.
Because we like seeing the bourgeoisie
get killed.
Yes.
Okay.
So we got that.
Take care of the really high
crit damage.
Finn...
We'll keep the Finn...
Discoverers that Poe is alive...
Because...
When they get rescued...
Or when he helps to rescue...
Whatever.
Stuff.
That...
The reunion when the New
Republic...
Or not New Republic...
When the Resistance people get
together...
The reunion...
That's fine.
Yeah.
The reunion between Leia and
Han...
Briefly.
Fine.
Yeah.
You know, just like...
Oh, it sucks what happened to
our son.
Oh yeah, by the way...
Kylo Ren is Ben Kenobi...
A.K.A.
The son of...
Ben Solo.
Sorry.
Ben Solo.
How could you?
The son of Han and Leia.
Look...
How could you compare...
Ben Kenobi.
We gotta go fast.
Okay.
So...
They go to...
Keep all that shit.
Yeah.
Um...
They go back to fight...
Um...
Get rid of garbage compactor
line and...
Yeah.
Like...
You can have Phasmus still
kinda be there.
Phasmus like...
Queen Stormtrooper.
I feel like Phasmus should've
either had more part or not
exist.
Yeah, she should've had more
part...
Or not exist.
Pick one.
I think she should have more
part.
Yeah.
She should be like constantly
like trying to track...
Like...
She has a personal vendetta
against Finn.
Yeah.
And so throughout the series
going forward, instead of her
just being like a one-off
character...
Like she should be like looking
for him.
She should be the secondary
antagonist.
Right.
Like she's like thwarting him
at every turn.
She like implants a tracker on
him.
Yeah.
You know, something like that.
It's a track...
Which...
You know, actually...
That could feed into the second
movie.
Yeah!
How do they find the resistance?
There we go!
We still have to talk about
what...
Do we change the shield
sequence where they blow
everything up and Han gets
absolutely destroyed?
Yeah, that's fine.
So...
There's shield bunker.
We can't attack it until the
shield bunker is destroyed.
They blow it up.
They go to shield bunker.
They place explosives.
Solo has encounter with his son.
His son says, you know, "Help
me."
And he says, you know, "Basically
anything, son."
And then he gets stabbed to
death.
And Rey and Finn witness it.
And everybody screams and then
the things blow up.
Alright, fine.
Yeah, and then they win.
They destroy Starkeller Base or
whatever.
We keep that.
I think we keep the battle that
happens in the woods.
Yeah.
Even though Rey has no clue how
to use a lightsaber, really.
Yeah, it was funny when Finn
tried to use it though.
Yeah, that was fun.
But yeah, we keep all that
stuff.
And Finn ends up in a coma.
Fine.
We'll keep that.
And they meet up with C-3PO and
R2 and they discover the map.
And she goes to meet Luke
Skywalker and...
The end.
Because it doesn't really do
anything yet until Episode 2.
Episode 2.
Or Episode 7?
Episode 8.
Okay.
So Kylo Ren temporarily
defeated.
Starkiller Base blowed up.
How they still have resources
at this point, I'm not sure.
Now, what do we do with the
next one?
Oh boy.
So it's starting in space
normally, right?
So it started in space and they're
in this space battle because of
course space battle.
You know, and we got to take
out these bombers and we got to
take out these...
You know, you could have it
actually start with the First
Order with them saying, "Here,
look at this new ship that we
got from our investors."
No, no, no, no.
And then...
I think we scrapped them.
Oh.
We keep Snoke.
Uh-uh.
And we focus with him and Kylo
Ren in the beginning.
Because remember, this is
supposed to be like the low
point.
Yeah.
We want to start out as a low
point for Kylo Ren too.
Oh boy.
So, Snoke is just sitting there,
like that entire scene where he's
like, "How the hell did you get
bested by a girl who had never
touched by a lightsaber?"
That shit needs to happen at
the beginning.
Yeah.
Because the First Order has,
you know, been defeated.
Mostly.
Like, they have like a multi-trillion
dollar thing that just got blowed
up.
So, a multi-trillion dollar
thing just got blowed up.
All their space credits have
been used up.
You know, they didn't even have
like the first loan payment
made.
I mean, they blew up the Richie
plans.
So, we're not in good shape
here.
So, obviously Snoke is pissed
off.
And for those who don't know,
Snoke is like this really
creepy looking evil guy who is
like, his face rotting off and
shit.
Doesn't bother get it fixed
even though technology could
fix it.
Not like, I'm going to have
this weird ass open gaping hole
in my cheek and keep it.
And his skull.
And my skull, yeah.
I want people to see my brain
pulsing.
Alright.
But that aside, like, leader of
the First Order, Snoke, starts
like flipping out at people.
And, maybe at this point, he's
like, you know, you're
incapable of serving the Order
the way that you should.
You need to go and meditate or
some shit.
I'm putting Captain Phasma in
charge of like dealing with the-
What about the other guy?
No, fuck him.
Well, Captain Phasma and other
guy who just loves screaming at
everything.
Yeah, what was his name again?
What was his name?
Nobody cares.
His name is Nobody Cares.
Okay, but he puts the two of
them in charge and says like to
one of them, you're in charge
of, you know, Empire operations,
you know, improvement and you're
in charge of the hunt for the
rebels.
Yeah.
Or the hunt for the resistance.
Alright.
So there we go.
We set this thing up where the
Empire/First Order is repositioning
itself.
Alright?
Yeah.
I think that's a good setup.
Then you cut back to Rey and
Skywalker.
And, you know, I kind of like
what they tried to do.
Yeah, with him being a four
months old man.
Yeah, like, I think they should
have done it less comically.
Yeah.
But I like the idea of Luke as
a cynical old man.
And also remove the green milk
part.
We don't need that.
Yeah.
But like, yeah, and the blue
milk.
Yeah.
We don't need none of that.
Although we can keep the boards.
Yeah.
Just because that does add a
little bit.
Comedic relief.
And he.
But I think that he doesn't
necessarily throw the lightsaber
away like he does in this
version.
But he like looks at her as if
he's a man who is just too
tired and doesn't give a shit.
Yeah.
He just looks at her, sighs,
and walks away.
And she's like, but you're Luke
Skywalker and I'm here to be
trained by you.
And he's like, no.
Like, I don't have any patience
for this.
I've experienced too many
losses.
Like, set up some implied stuff
instead of just like telling it,
which of course they're going
to do.
Yeah.
Set up an implication like.
There have been too many losses
attempting to follow the Jedi
way.
I've let down, I've let down my
friends.
I've let down my family.
I have failed my students.
I'm retired.
Yeah.
And even when.
Actually, there are canonically
retired Jedi.
So.
But even when he, you know, you
know, she starts, maybe she
finds the texts ahead of time.
Yeah.
So she finds the sacred Jedi
texts and starts reading
through them and understands,
you know, the basics.
And starts doing her own
training and he kind of looks
at her and he's like, huh, she's
not giving up.
What the hell?
You know, I guess I'll help her
along.
But he's still cynical.
Yeah.
You know?
And I still think that we keep
the stuff of like Kylo Ren in
meditation.
And he starts being able to
reach out and feel this
connection to Rey.
Yeah.
That we keep.
Now what do we do with the epic
space battle bullshit in the
beginning?
I mean, it's a little bit of,
oh, right.
Yeah.
And they destroy all their
bombers.
Yeah, the destroyers are like,
so the rebels have been found.
Now I think...
I think we need a scene with Phasma
where she's like...
Yeah, we get a scene with Phasma
leading up to it where it's
like, you know, she like
goes to like a sketchy cantina
or something.
She like bribes somebody with
some money.
She's in disguise.
She's like, you know, I'm
looking to, you know, I'm
formally from the First Order.
I have critical information for
the, you know, the...
Resistance.
I need to get into them
personally.
I can't transmit this because
the New Order, the First Order,
whatever the hell it is, they'll
track the transmission and I'll
be fucked.
Yeah.
Okay.
So she gets the information and
she radios it back.
Phasma to base one, you know, I
have them.
And then we cut to battle.
Battle.
So like the entire Rebel slash
Resistance fleet is mobilized
because they've been traveling
from planet to planet.
Okay.
What do we do about the stupid
Poe who tries to overthrow
Captain making smart decisions?
Poe versus Hoda.
Yeah.
We'll get to that.
We're not there yet.
So, um, Rebels get decimated.
You know, they're getting
destroyed.
And I think that we leave...
We don't talk about something
being a stupid fleet killer or
whatever.
Poe knows that he has a shot.
He decides to take it.
He overrides orders.
He's like, no, fuck it.
We're gonna bomb that ship.
I don't care what anybody says.
You know, he acts like a hot
shot, like, kid, like, who just
has an axe to grind or whatever.
Yeah.
Um, Leia's ship still gets
blown up because, of course,
Carrie Fisher was dead.
So, we gotta keep that.
Uh, somehow she has magical
force powers.
Eh, fine, whatever.
Fuck it.
I mean, she technically dies in
the third place.
Yeah.
So, we'll keep it.
Um, and he gets court-martialed.
He gets put on light duty.
You know?
And during the battle, this
shakes up his good friend Finn.
And Finn, you know, comes out
of his coma.
Uh, and the rebels are taking
it on a run, on the run.
So, so, General Organa, Leia,
you know, court-martiales him,
basically says, you're
restricted to, like, you know,
level one duties.
You're not, you're only to
leave your quarters when, you
know, meal, for mealtimes and
going to the bathroom.
You are done.
Okay.
And she puts other general in
charge.
Other generals should not.
Admiral Hargo.
Yeah.
Admiral Hodor.
Uh, Admiral Hodor, I don't have
an issue with her as a
character.
I have an issue with everything
she does as a character.
Um, I think that you need to
tweak her where, first of all,
Poe is not like, oh, can you
tell me what's going on?
Can you tell me what's going on?
No.
Like.
So, we blow that one up.
We blow that up.
Because that's not what Poe
would be like anyway.
Yeah.
He's not going to be nipping at
her heels.
Um, but Finn comes out of his,
his coma.
Already a nervous wreck because,
you know.
Yeah.
Almost died.
And Finn, you know, Finn
immediately sees Poe and, you
know, they, they embrace and
great.
You know, they, they're
reunited.
And they then go off and they
start having a conspiratorial
conversation about, okay, I'm
not saying that Hodo doesn't
know what she's doing.
Um, but, like, we've got to do
something to, like, seriously
take out, we, we got to do
something to, like, to help us
to get away.
We've got to do a distraction.
And we don't care what they say.
Like, we've got to hit the, hit
the first order and hit them
hard.
Let's figure out a way to do it.
All right.
Rose is gone.
Fuck Rose.
No one likes Rose.
She serves no purpose.
Get rid of her.
All right.
So, that's where we leave that.
Now we've got to cut back to
what's going on with the first
order.
So, uh, Ben has been meditating.
And he is starting to feel some
level of conflict between the
good and the evil.
But he can't let, he can't let,
you know, Snoke know this.
So, like, he gets called back
to Snoke and he's like, I am
even more firm in my resolve to
get this Rey, you know, traitor,
scumbag girl.
And bring her here.
And, you know, and Snoke's like,
you know what?
I think that's a good idea.
By the way, um, during the
battle of such and so, during
the battle of Starkiller Base,
we may have snuck a tracker
aboard her ship.
But we did not want to act on
it right away.
So, I think it'd be cooler if
we set up a situation where he
is going to go back to the
planet where Luke is.
Yeah.
Like, that's an awesome setup.
Now you cut back to Luke and
her training.
And I think she still goes into
the mystery cave.
Mystery cave with Evil Ray.
She goes into the mystery cave.
She encounters Evil Ray.
Because she will have to
encounter Evil Ray later.
Yeah.
But maybe in a different way.
Alright?
So, I think Evil Ray is a good
concept.
I think Luke maybe, you know,
is starting to, like, believe
in her as being somebody who
could be a good guardian of
whatever the future of this
religion is.
Maybe it's not Jedha anymore
and Sith.
Maybe it's something more
universal that you take the
light with the dark or whatever.
It's more Buddhist.
It's like the temple guys from
Rogue One.
Alright.
So, we cut back to Poe and Finn.
They see that Hodo is doing
something.
She is, you know, she's got the
entire fleet going away from
the Empire.
But they're clearly going to
run out of fuel soon.
And they decide to hell with it.
Here's what we're going to do.
We figured out that a small
ship can penetrate, like, this
one gap in the shields of that,
like, giant Star Destroyer
thing.
Yeah.
There's a very convenient
thermal exhaust port in the
shields.
Right.
Like, there's a way to, like,
penetrate the shields.
And then we're going to sneak
aboard and we're going to...
I mean, according to Star Wars
lore for the Rolly droids, if
something goes slow enough, it
can get through their shields.
So, maybe that's how they work
for the ships.
So, they go over and they start
kind of slowly wreaking havoc
on this ship.
But something goes wrong.
And they need to...
Then they have to, like, jet
off.
And they're...
They then jet off and they go
to the distant Crystal Desert.
Salt planet.
Okay?
So, we get them there ahead of
everyone else.
And they're like, well, it's
good that we made it here
because...
There's an old rebel base here.
Great.
Their situation is done.
Oh, but we have a scene with
them.
It's like, okay.
You know what?
We have a chance to breathe
here.
Maybe we should share some of
our backstories.
And, like, so, you know, Poe
shows some...
Shares some of his backstory
about where he came from and
whatnot.
Finn, you know, shares that he
has no memory of his mother and
father.
That, you know, Phasma has
always, like, singled him out.
This, that, and the other.
And that, you know, all he's
really wanted to do is be happy.
And to find someone that he
could be happy with.
Now, we don't go further than
that.
But we leave that there.
We cut back to what's going on
on the main rebel fleet.
Look, it'll be a story.
You know?
But you see, like, it's all
consolidated.
So, eventually...
What's his face?
What's his name?
What does he look like?
The moody teenager guy.
Kylo Ren.
Kylo Ren gets to Luke's planet.
Luke refuses to face him.
And so, like...
So, like, one minute, like, Rey
is there with Luke.
And the next minute, she turns
around and he's gone.
And it's just...
It's just him.
It's just...
What's his face?
Kylo Ren.
It's just Kylo.
And he's like,
You will come with me.
And maybe they have, like, a
brief battle or something.
But he manages to knock her
unconscious.
He doesn't really want to hurt
her.
Because he has feelings for her.
But he doesn't want to reveal
that.
Nah.
He captures her.
Takes her to...
You know?
To...
What's his face?
Snoke.
And the rest of this continues
to proceed as it is.
Snoke taunts them about the
fact that, like, the fleet is
getting destroyed.
All this stuff.
What do we do about the Finn
and Rose moment since Rose
doesn't exist?
We've already solved that.
We don't have to worry about
that.
Because that's not even going
to happen yet.
Well, there's not going to be
salt plant battle.
Well, there will be.
But it's not happening here.
So.
You know, Kylo decides, much
like Rey has decided, actually,
at this point.
Much like Luke has decided.
That things are bigger than
good and evil and right and
wrong.
There are things that happen.
Some are positive.
Some are negative.
And you've got to take the good
with the bad.
And he does not really want
this to be the way that the
First Order is run.
So he secretly kills...
You know, he kills Snoke.
Just like in the thing.
Yeah.
And at the end, he asks Rey to
join him.
And that's where we end that.
That was something that Red
Letter Media suggested.
I think that's a great
suggestion.
Right there.
You cut it.
Now we go to episode 9.
Yeah, but we didn't do salt
battle.
Now we start episode 9 with the
battle on the salt planet.
So, during episode 8, as they're
fighting Snoke and fighting Snoke's
guards and all of that, you're
cutting back to the rebellion
and Hodo gets everybody onto
another transport ship or
something.
And she does the Hodo maneuver
and destroys the ships
following her.
Fine.
Yeah.
We keep that.
So, we know at the end of
episode 8 that the Resistance
has escaped.
Yes.
Episode 9.
They're on the planet.
Yes.
Finn and Poe are waiting there.
They notice the Rebel fleet
coming in.
They call them to the base and
they say, hey, we've got to,
like, get a communication out.
We got, like, what do you mean
there's only 12 people left?
What the hell is going on?
And so, they manage to get a
transmission out.
They don't know what's going to
happen with that transmission.
They just get, like, a wideband
subspace transmission out.
So, we don't do the palpeteen
thing?
No, no, no.
We're getting there.
Okay.
Meanwhile, we cut back to Rey
and, um, what's his name?
Kylo Ren.
And Kylo is talking to Rey and
he says, Rey, this is only the
beginning.
Like, Snoke has told me about
this thing that is, like, an
ancient evil power that he has
been under the control of the
entire time.
And they actually joined forces.
Yeah.
So, instead of it being, like,
no, I don't want you.
Yes, I want you.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
We start to form an emotional
bond with that.
Yep.
Right.
Alright.
So, they now.
I'm not inputting much into
this.
They go to Snoke's throne.
They find.
They find a map that will lead
them to the Wayfinder.
Sith planet or just the Wayfinder?
Just the Wayfinder.
We still have to have a little
bit of thing.
But we can leave out the C-3PBOs,
stupid sacrifice and all of
that.
Meanwhile, we can leave out C-3PBO
entirely.
Yeah.
Meanwhile, we cut back to the
First Order against, like, the
Rebels.
Do they have the giant gorilla
AT-AT things?
Sure.
But what happens is, so, Rey
and Kylo show up and they help
out.
Just as a means to, like, you
know, try to, like, level the
playing field.
Yeah.
Alright.
For both sides.
So, they go down together to
show that, hey, we have this
new vision where we can bring
everybody together.
And just to prove that we have
this side of light and this
side of dark that have come to
a middle ground.
And they're going to work
together for the betterment of
mankind.
And alien kind.
So, they're doing the fight.
Luke shows up.
In his, like, not in, like,
ghost form.
But Luke actually shows up.
I mean, he does technically
show up.
Yeah.
But Luke shows up.
And instead of there being,
like, this huge conflict
between Kylo and him that is
just baby shit.
The two of them, like, come to
terms.
And then Luke goes out and
faces down Phasma.
So, Phasma, like, even though,
um, Kylo's like, Phasma, stand
down.
That's an order.
She's like, I don't recognize
your authority anymore.
Bring forward the traitor you
hold.
And it's like, Phasma, it's not
worth.
Their personal vendettas are of
no consequence to the Empire or
whatever.
First Order.
And, like, even, like, side guy
who is always yelling is like,
yeah, we should probably back
off.
And he's the one that's going
to go to the Sith planet later
on because he somehow got
transmitted.
You know, when Snoke died, he
got transmitted the plan to get
there or whatever.
It was part of Snoke's will,
you see.
Yeah, yeah, fine.
But, um, so Luke.
So, initially, Kylo Ren gets
into a battle with her.
And when Luke sees that Kylo
Ren is, like, not going to win
because she's, like, being
sneaky and stuff.
He steps in.
And he dies for Kylo Ren.
Like, while defeating her.
So, like, they both, like, like,
he stabs her.
She shoots him at the same time.
They both die.
Unless she's using, like, the
electric stuff.
But even so, okay.
The point is, they die together.
Kylo Ren realizes that Luke
respected him the whole time
and just didn't know what to do
with his dark streak.
Keep going.
And again, it reinforces that
light in him growing.
Yeah.
Alright.
So, he and Rey have to go find
this Wayfinder thing.
On destroyed Death Star planet.
Sure.
We'll keep that.
We're not going to keep the
horse people because that's
dumb.
Nobody cares about the group of
stormtroopers that didn't stormtrooper
properly.
Rebels, meanwhile, they're like,
hey, there's this planet out
there where we know there are
some, like, old Rebel allies.
Maybe they'll help us.
And this is where they travel
then to go meet Lando and maybe
a few of the other people from
the original series.
And they're like, look, we sent
out a subspace message.
We don't know how many people.
We just know that Rey and Kylo,
you know, have found out about
this super evil place that's
been pulling all the strings
and providing all the resources
for the First Order.
We need to take this place out.
And we're very, like, scrapped.
And initially, like, Lando's
like, well, I'll see what I can
do.
You know, just so that he could
show up later, of course.
Alright.
So, that's all that happens
with them.
You know, maybe Finn and Poe go
on some kind of reconnaissance
mission together.
They have to do something
together because, again, there's
a point to this.
We'll get there.
But they have to be together
the whole time.
Oh, boy.
They can't be separated.
Okay.
We cut to Kylo and Rey.
Rey gets into, like, the old
throne room.
And she's like, I have a
feeling that you have to stay
behind.
And he's like, I sense that,
too.
And she goes in and she faces
her darker self.
And while that's happening, Ben
gets to see his father.
What?
Well, that happened originally.
No, it didn't.
Finn never got to see his
father.
No, Ben.
Oh, Ben.
Yeah, while that's happening,
like, Han Solo still shows up
to Ben.
And that's all well and good.
Wait.
I've got it.
Alright, I figured out how to
deal with our subplot issues.
So, here's what we do.
Oh, no.
Poe and Finn decide to stay
with Lando.
And they're sitting there.
And they're in Lando's cabin at
one point or whatever.
And they're like, hey, what's
this picture here?
And it shows Lando with, like,
a son.
And he's like, oh, yeah, that.
I always regretted the day.
I just turned my eye for one
minute.
And my son ran out into the
square.
And he was taken from me.
You know, I always remember him
because of this birthmark that,
you know, he had.
And Finn looks at himself.
He's like, well, wait a minute.
And Poe looks at him and is
like, are you thinking?
And it's like, daddy?
Alright, maybe not quite like
that.
But, but, and then, like, as he's
reflecting upon this sudden
life change, you know, later
that evening.
Like, Poe sits down next to him.
Like, they're sharing a room or
whatever.
And, and, like, they, they
share a meaningful moment.
And it doesn't have to be, like,
you know, maybe, like, they
hold hands or something.
So, these guys clearly are
interested in each other in a
romantic way.
We don't go to, like, full-on
embrace and kiss until at the
end when they win.
Yeah.
But I'm saying we now have two
key romances.
Alright?
Leia needs to die at some point.
We'll figure out.
That's a minor detail.
I mean, that's when she just
died of old age.
Yeah, she just dies of old age.
Whatever.
That's what happened.
I don't know what we have Maz
do at this point because maybe
she, maybe Maz acts as, like,
the conduit or communicator
between Kylo and Rey.
And, like, she is kind of the
go-between because they still
can't transmit, like, openly
what they're planning on doing
for fear of the endpunt.
Yeah.
So, she meets up with them in,
like, another cantina.
They pass along the coordinates
and say, okay, we're going to
go there first and see what we
can pull off.
Yeah.
Alright.
What about Evil Ray?
What happens with Evil Ray?
Evil Ray got defeated on the...
Ray defeated Evil Ray to get
the Wayfinder.
Okay.
Alright.
So, we've got all this done.
Now, it's time for everybody to
converge on Sith Planet, but,
of course, Rey and Kylo get
there first.
Now, the question is, do we go
serious?
Look.
Or do we go silly?
There was no Palpatine Returns
moment in this franchise we're
making.
So, obviously, we have to do
the only right thing.
Darth Jar Jar.
Yeah, okay.
That's where I was going to go
with it as well.
So, they get down into the bowels
of this planet, and they go and
they face down Darth Jar Jar.
And Darth Jar Jar is just every
bit as goofy as he seemed like
Jar Jar was in the prequels,
except much more serious and
deeper voice.
And, like...
He still has the accent.
Yeah, he still has the accent,
but, like, he's been playing
everybody for a fool the entire
time.
And, like, then he explains,
like, back, you know, even back
during, like, the time of
Anakin, like, I did this.
Even during the Clone Wars.
Yeah, even during the Clone
Wars, I did this.
I allowed Obi-Wan Kenobi to
escape and kept his presence
hidden.
I've been pulling the strings
this entire time.
And then they're like, well,
what does that have to do with
us?
And he's like, you two were to
be the faded ones that would
bring together true balance to
the universe.
I can't allow this to happen.
And Jar Jar isn't, like, hooked
up to any, like, machines or
anything.
He's still in that dark throne
room.
But he's not, like, all burnt
and stuff.
He's just, like, older and,
like, dark.
And in dark robes.
And he pulls out...
I say he pulls out...
What's his name?
The double-bladed lightsaber.
Yeah, Darth Maul's lightsaber
type thing.
He pulls out Darth Maul, like,
a replica of Darth Maul's
lightsaber.
I mean, there are just other
double-bladed lightsabers.
And they begin their fight.
Meanwhile, the Rebels now...
You know what he should say
right before...
What?
Me, I can't allow you to
succeed with that.
Yes, that's fine.
Rebel Fleet, without Lando, has
shown up.
And they see all the Star
Destroyers.
And the Star Destroyers, unlike
the situation that we're in
that was stupid in the current
version,
Star Destroyers are, like,
starting to get above the
planet and getting ready to
jump to light speed.
Okay?
Like, they're going to go and
take their little mini Death
Star cannons and start wreaking
havoc.
Nobody's going to stop them.
So the Rebels, like, have more
of a timetable here.
They're fighting, you know,
they're getting, like...
No space forces either.
Right.
And so, like, they're getting
their ships taken out one by
one.
They try to move closer.
And as they move closer, of
course, there's, like, millions
of TIE fighters.
The Fly Swarm.
The TIE Swarm.
Poe and Finn are back, you know,
with Lando.
And we don't know what's
happening with them.
Like, they stayed to try to
convince him.
All right?
So we don't know what's going
on with them.
We cut back to...
Kylo Ren.
Kylo Ren and Rey.
Darth Jar Jar.
Fighting Darth Jar Jar.
Like, they manage to, like, cut
his lightsaber in half.
But he ends up, like...
It's a special lightsaber.
It's made to be cut in half.
He ends up injuring...
He ends up injuring Kylo Ren.
So he's kind of down.
We're going to keep that for
now.
Ben.
And that'll be, like, how...
I think that remains how Leia
dies.
Like, she gives up the last of
her power to heal him or
something.
Yeah.
Like, she's like...
You know, she comes out of her
coma.
You know, son, take what
strength I have left.
And she dies.
Okay?
Like, she fades to nothingness.
He's magically healed.
And then C3 Field goes, oh my
goodness.
Yeah.
But he's healed.
But, like, he's not getting up
yet.
And it gets to the point,
though, like, where the broken
part of the red lightsaber is
next to him.
And so Jar Jar is fighting with
Rey.
They're fighting back and forth.
Meanwhile, we cut back to the
Rebels.
The Rebels are getting picked
off one by one.
And all of a sudden, over the
radio, you hear Poe coming over.
Hey, everyone.
Did you miss me?
And it's him.
It's him and Finn in one ship.
Lando and another ship and a
whole, like, cadre of ships
coming in.
Is it going to be the wall of
ships like it was in the movie?
Enough to show that they've got
enough manpower to take this
thing out.
So, meanwhile, we get to the
final moments of the battle.
Like, so Jar Jar, Darth Jar Jar's
got, like, Rey knocked down.
He's, like, destroyed her
lightsaber or thrown it off the
side.
He has lightsaber up against
her.
And he's, like, you know, he
has some catchy line.
I don't know what it'd be.
Misa said this cannot be or
whatever it is.
And then Kylo sneaks up behind
him and says, you know,
something catchy like, learn to
speak, you dumbass.
Or something.
Maybe not that.
But, like, he has something
catchy to say.
And stabs Jar Jar, like, right
through the chest.
And Jar Jar, like, falls back.
The lightsaber continues to cut
down through him because it's a
lightsaber.
Like, has anybody stopped to
think about, like, the lightsaber
would keep cutting?
Yeah.
Because of gravity.
And that, so Jar Jar falls over.
The lightsaber cuts down into
the center of, like, the
electrical system in the planet.
Which is, like, helping to
control all the ships.
So, um, of course, Rey and Kylo,
like...
Does Jar Jar still live?
No.
Does he come back?
No, no, no.
Jar Jar's gone forever.
Uh-huh.
All right.
Um, Rey and Kylo, like, have a
moment where they look at each
other, but they realize the
entire facility is falling
apart.
They've got a book.
So they book.
They get out.
Meanwhile, all the ships start
crashing down onto the planet,
too.
So not only do they have to get
out of the facility, they've
got to get to their ship and
avoid all the other stuff.
The Rebels continue to do their
bit, um, you know, up top.
You know, they continue to
fight the good fight, and they
notice all the ships are, like,
crashing.
So they begin to celebrate.
They're all celebrating having
a good time.
Um, Kylo and Rey get off the
planet successfully and join up
with them and meet them.
So that's going well.
And at that point, they all
meet up together, like, on a
nearby planet, you know, to
celebrate their victory.
And that's where, you know, Kylo
and Rey, like, show up together
kind of much in the same way as,
like, Leia and Han Solo would.
You have Poe and Finn, and they
have the first good gay kiss in
Star Wars history on film.
And then finally at the end, um,
Rey and Kylo do go to Tatooine
to honor the memory of Luke and
Leia.
And they take up residence.
And Han.
And they take up residence in
Luke's childhood home, much in
the same way that the current
ending works.
Even though Kylo Ren dies in
the current ending.
Even what?
Even though Kylo Ren dies in
the current ending.
Let's, let's have a happy
ending.
Like, he shouldn't just be redeemed.
He should be redeemed and have
the ability to live a good life.
And I think that that, that is
a much better Star Wars sequel
trilogy than what Disney came
up with.
Yippee.
It still has enough subplots to
where people can build
character.
It has enough, you know, it has
enough battles to keep things
interesting.
But it doesn't split into 15
different directions with a
bunch of subplots that go
nowhere.
Hmm.
And I think, I don't know, I
think that would have been a
much better overall story.
I mean, obviously this isn't
ironed out.
I mean, Kit and I are just, I
mean, you and I are just two...
Random people?
Random people.
Like, we're not screenwriters.
We're not, you know, we're not
experts.
We have no ties to Hollywood.
Sadly.
This is just our fan theory.
And that's what we bring to you
here on Non-Topical.
A nonsense fan theory for you
to enjoy.
Well, fan idea.
Or fan idea.
Sorry, fan edit?
It's not really an edit.
Recreation.
Yeah.
Um, that's what we bring you
here.
This is the high quality
entertainment that you get.
Me.
Much high quality.
And Kit talking for hours about
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Do all the good internet things.
Spam your relatives and friends.
Make us go viral for all the
wrong reasons.
Yeah.
Do you have anything to add?
What do you think of our story?
It's pretty good.
All right.
So, I think that's good.
All that matters is Darth Jar
Jar.
Yep.
Darth Jar Jar becomes a thing
in canon.
Yes.
Finally.
Canonically.
All right.
Well, I think that does us for
today.
So, thank you everybody.
And we'll catch you next time.
Bye.